By Brant R. Burleson
Special to the Tribune
"Men and women differ in all areas of their lives. Not only do men and women communicate differently but they think, feel, perceive, react, respond, love, need. and appreciate differently."
John Gray
"Men Are from Mars,
Women Are from Venus"
"Boys and girls grow up in what are essentially different cultures, so talk between women and men is cross-cultural communication."
Deborah Tannen
"You Just Don't Understand"
Is the member of the opposite sex with whom you are sharing your life really an alien? Many of us would say that it feels that way, at least on occasion. But is that because men and women grow up in what are essentially different cultures? Are men and women so different that they might as well be from different planets? Or is there a better and more helpful explanation?
The popularity of the "alien cultures view of gender"-- the idea that men and women are so different that they should be viewed as coming from distinct cultures-- is one of the most interesting cultural phenomena of this decade. The astonishing sales figures for books authored by Gray and Tannen say a lot about how much Americans value and want to improve their close relationships with members of the opposite sex, even though they frequently find these relationships more than a little frustrating.
However, a growing body of scientific research indicates that this metaphor of alien cultures is misleading. In fact, this metaphor may bear responsibility for worsening relations between the sexes rather than improving them. It suggests simple-- even simplistic-- explanations of what are often complex relationship difficulties and holds out false hope for a quick fix to enduring problems.
Recent research suggests at least three problems with the alien cultures view.
First. this view inaccurately depicts men and women as being more different than similar. In fact, research on sex differences shows that when it comes to patterns of communication, aspirations for intimate relationships, and interpersonal values, most men and women tend to be much more alike than different.
Researchers at Ohio University using meta-analysis, a set of statistical techniques for combining the results of many different studies, concluded that there were few sex-based differences in communication patterns, and where such differences did exist, they tended to be quite small Other researchers have found that men and women value the same things in their close personal relationships. Moreover. most men and women have largely overlapping meanings for concepts like "intimacy" and "closeness."
Overall then, the alien cultures view grossly overstates the differences between men and women while ignoring substantial similarities. So take another look at the "alien" across the table. Psychologically and behaviorally, what you see more closely resembles your reflection in a mirror than it does a different life form.
A second problem with the alien cultures view is its promotion of harmful stereotyping. It encourages people to relate to each other not as individuals, but as members of the highly homogeneous categories. "men" and "women."
Writers such as Gray and Tannen repeatedly make categorical assertions that men behave one way while women behave in some different way. Unfortunately, the stereotypes conveyed in such categorical claims are often inaccurate. For example, one popular stereotype holds that men rarely express emotions (other than anger) while another common stereotype maintains that women lack assertiveness and tend to be overly accommodating. Although some men and women may fit these stereotypes, a great many do not. Recent research shows that most men express a broad array of emotions while other research indicates that most women are no less assertive than men in many situations. Hence, the stereotypes provide an unreliable basis for interacting with members of the opposite sex -- or even the same sex.
In addition, stereotypes perpetuate simplistic, categorical thinking. Stereotypes hold that all members of a category think, feel, and behave the same way, and so can be represented and acted toward as members of the category. Stereotypes thus lead us to miss the rich complexity that is the heritage of every human being, and frequently cause us to underestimate (or overestimate) the capacities of the specific people with whom we interact. Our relationships are surely the poorer for this.
Most men and women do share important characteristics with other members of their sex. But there is also tremendous variation within each sex, and this diversity is largely ignored by the alien cultures view.
A third problem with the alien cultures view is that it misrepresents differences that really do exist in the communication of men and women. For example, my colleagues and I have found that men and women differ in how they typically provide emotional support to people experiencing distress. Women are more likely to focus explicitly on the distressed feelings of others. encouraging them to talk about their feelings and the circumstances generating those feelings. In contrast, men are more likely to provide emotional support either by trying to distract the other's attention from the situation or by proposing solutions to problems,
Advocates of the alien cultures view see these differences as matters of mere style, with each way of providing support equally valid and equally effective for members of the appropriate gender. But that's not what our research has found.
Over the last 12 years, my colleagues and I have repeatedly found that both men arid women express a strong preference for the "feminine'' way of providing emotional support. These results, along with those of other studies, indicate that sex-based patterns in emotional support reflect not different styles, but different skills: The emotional support offered by most women is not just different, it is better than the support provided by most men.
Our research strongly suggests that men and women are members of the same culture-- they have very similar opinions about what counts as effective and ineffective forms of emotional support. Women, on average, are better than men at providing emotional support probably because they have had more practice at it. And men may be more skilled at other forms of communication (such as persuasion) because they get comparatively more practice at them.
In sum, despite the popularity of books like "Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus," a increasing body of scientific evidence suggests that men and women aren't aliens. They're neighbors living right down the block from each other. Careful research shows that men and women are much more alike than different in their perceptions, values, aspirations and communication.
Moreover. the differences that do exist indicate a difference in men's and women's experiences and skills rather than a difference in cultures.
If men and women really are from the same culture, why do they have so much trouble understanding and getting along with each other? Perhaps because developing and maintaining a close, intimate relationship with another person is one of the most challenging and demanding tasks human beings can undertake. Most problems that crop up in our relationships aren't easy to explain and won't admit to a quick fix. We won't be successful trying to solve these problems by viewing our partner as belonging to some abstract category-- or as an alien life form.
Meeting the challenge of maintaining close relationships requires dealing with others as individuals in all their amazing complexity. And that demands all the insight and skill we can muster.