Laughing Religiously...
Church newsletters:
* "Say 'hell' to someone who doesn't like you."
* "Mr. Smith is also a close relative of his brother Wilbur in the church."
* "Thursday night - Potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow."
* "Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community."
* "O come all ye faithful, sin in exultation."
* "After today's service, coffee and donuts will be served in the basement. Please come down and say hell to the pastor."
* "Don't let worry kill you -- let the church help."
* "For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs."
* "The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer."
* "Children will be led in sinning and Bible study."
* "This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends."
* "This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar."
* "There will be a baked bean supper next Sunday at 6:00 p.m. Music to follow."
* "At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice."
* "Life groups meet on Wednesday evening at 7:00 PM for food, fun, and fellowwhipping."
* "Marriage: An Institution To Be Endured." -- The subject of a sermon that should have read, "An Institution To Endure."
* Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa, will be speaking tonight at Calvary Methodist. Come hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.
* The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
* The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water." The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus."
* Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands.
* The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.
* Miss Charlene Mason sang "I Will Not Pass This Way Again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
* The Rector will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing: "Break Forth Into Joy."
* Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
* Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
* The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment, and gracious hostility.
* The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
* The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
* Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a healthy lunch.
* Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
***
New Church Bloopers...
1. The Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be
recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
2. Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies are
invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.
3. The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would
lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.
4. Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the
back door.
5. The pastor will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will
sing, "Break Forth Into Joy."
6. A songfest was hell at the Methodist church Wednesday.
7. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
8. The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church
basement Friday at 7 PM. The Congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
9. Thursday night Potluck Supper. Prayer and medication to follow.
10. The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David,
the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Adams.
11. Tuesday at 4 PM there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk
will please come early.
12. A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music
will follow.
13. At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?"
Come early and listen to our choir practice.
14. Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church.
Please use large double door at the side entrance.
15. Mrs. Johnson will be entering the hospital this week for testes.
16. Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan who are preparing
for the girth of their first child.
17. The Lutheran Men's group will meet at 6 PM. Steak, mashed potatoes, green
beans, bread and dessert will be served for a nominal feel.
18. The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan
last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours."
19. Our next song is "Angels We Have Heard Get High."
20. Don't let worry kill you, let the church help.
21. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery
downstairs.
22. This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay
an egg on the altar.
23. The service will close with Little Drops of Water. One of the ladies will
start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in.
24. Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of
several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
25. The senior choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys
sinning to join the choir.
***
Telling stories:
A preacher was completing a temperance sermon: with great expression he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."
With even greater emphasis, he said, "And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."
And then, finally, he said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river." He sat down.
The song leader then stood very cautiously and announced with a pleasant smile, "For our closing song, let us sing Hymn 365: 'Shall We Gather At the River.'"
***
Bible Stories?
What happens in Bible stories when they are retold by young scholars around the world.
Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree.
Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark. Noah built an ark, which the animals
came on in pears.
Lot's wife was a pill of salt by day and, but a ball of fire by night.
The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with
the unsympathetic Genitals.
Samson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like
Delilah.
Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the apostles.
Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread,
which is a bread made without any ingredients.
The Egyptians were all drowned in the desert.
Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the Ten Amendments.
The first Commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.
The Fifth Commandment is to humor thy father and mother.
The Seventh Commandment is that thou shalt not admit adultery.
Moses died before he ever reached Canada.
Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the Battle of Geritol.
The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand
still and he obeyed him.
David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar.
He fought with the Finkelsteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical
times.
Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.
Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before
they do one to you.
He also explained that "Man doth not live by sweat alone."
The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 decibels.
The epistles were the wives of the apostles.
One of the opossums was St Matthew who was, by profession, a taximan.
St. Paul cavorted to Christianity.
He preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage.
A Christian should have only one wife; this is called monotony.
***