Not Entirely Politically Correct...
You are what you read (2005)
1. The Wall Street Journal is read by the people who run the country.
2. The Washington Post is read by people who think they run the country.
3. The New York Times is read by people who think they should run the country and who are very good at crossword puzzles.
4. USA Today is read by people who think they ought to run the country but don't really understand The New York Times. They do, however, like their statistics shown in pie charts.
5. The Los Angeles Times is read by people who wouldn't mind running the country -- if they could find the time -- and if they didn't have to leave Southern California to do it.
6. The Boston Globe is read by people whose parents used to run the country and did a far superior job of it, thank you very much.
7. The New York Daily News is read by people who aren't too sure who's running the country and don't really care as long as they can get a seat on the train.
8. The New York Post is read by people who don't care who's running the country as long as they do something really scandalous, preferably while intoxicated.
9. The Miami Herald is read by people who are running another country but need the baseball scores.
10. The San Francisco Chronicle is read by people who aren't sure there is a country ... or that anyone is running it; but if so, they oppose all that they stand for. There are occasional exceptions if the leaders are handicapped minority feminist atheists who also happen to be illegal aliens from any other country or galaxy provided, of course, that they are not Republicans.
11. The National Enquirer is read by people trapped in line at the grocery store.
12. None of these are read by the guy who is running the country into the ground.
***
Know Your State Motto...
Alabama
Hell Yes, We Have Electricity.
Alaska
11,623 Eskimos Can't Be Wrong!
Arizona
But It's A Dry Heat.
Arkansas
Lituracy Ain't Everythang.
California
By 30, Our Women Have More Plastic Than Your Honda
Colorado
If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother.
Connecticut
Like Massachusetts, only smaller
Delaware
We Really Do Like The Chemicals In Our Water.
Florida
Ask Us About Our Grandkids
And Our Voting Skills.
Georgia
We Put The Fun In Fundamentalist Extremism.
Hawaii
Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru
(Death To Mainland Scum, Leave Your Money)
Idaho
More Than Just Potatoes...
Well, Okay, We're Not, But The Potatoes Sure Are Real Good
Illinois
Please, Don't Pronounce the "S"
Indiana
2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free
Iowa
We Do Amazing Things With Corn
Kansas
First Of The Rectangle States
Kentucky
Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names
Louisiana
We're Not ALL Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That's Our Tourism Campaign.
Maine
We're Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster
Maryland
If You Can Dream It, We Can Tax It
Massachusetts
Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's
And Our Senators Are More Corrupt!
Michigan
First Line Of Defense From The Canadians
Minnesota
10,000 Lakes...And 10,000,000,000,000 Mosquitoes
Mississippi
Come And Feel Better About Your Own State
Missouri
Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars At Work
Montana
Land Of The Big Sky, The Unabomber, Right-wing Crazies, and Honest
Elections!
Nebraska
Ask About Our State Motto Contest
Nevada
Hookers and Poker!
New Hampshire
Go Away And Leave Us Alone
New Jersey
You Want A ##$%##! Motto?
I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right here!
New Mexico
Lizards Make Excellent Pets
New York
You Have The Right To Remain Silent,
You Have The Right To An Attorney...
And No Right To Self Defense!
North Carolina
Tobacco Is A Vegetable
North Dakota
We Really Are One Of The 50 States!
Ohio
At Least We're Not Michigan
Oklahoma
Like The Play, But No Singing
Oregon
Spotted Owl...It's What's For Dinner
Pennsylvania
Cook With Coal
Rhode Island
We're Not REALLY An Island
South Carolina
Remember The Civil War?
Well, We Didn't Actually Surrender Yet
South Dakota
Closer Than North Dakota
Tennessee
Home of the Al Gore Invention Museum.
Texas
Se Hable Ingles
Utah
Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus
Vermont
Too liberal for the Kennedys
Virginia
Who Says Government Stiffs And Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix?
Washington
Our Governor can out-fraud your Governor!
West Virginia
One Big Happy Family...Really!
Wisconsin
Come Cut Cheese!
Wyoming
Where Men Are Men... And The Sheep Are Scared
The District of Columbia
The Work-Free Drug Place!
***
Not quite ethnically ‘correct’...
Three Arguments That Jesus Was Irish:
1. He never got married.
2. He never held a steady job.
3. His last request was a drink.
Three Arguments That Jesus Was Puerto Rican:
1. His first name was Jesus.
2. He was always in trouble with the law.
3. His mother didn't know who his father was.
Three Arguments That Jesus Was Italian:
1. He talked with his hands.
2. He had wine with every meal.
3. He worked in the building trades.
Three Arguments That Jesus Was Black:
1. He called everybody brother.
2. He had no permanent address.
3. Nobody would hire him.
Three Arguments That Jesus Was Californian:
1. He never cut his hair.
2. He walked around barefoot.
3. He invented a new religion.
And Finally, the Proof That Jesus Was Jewish:
1. He went into his father's business.
2. He lived at home until the age of 33.
3. He was sure his mother was a virgin, and his mother was sure He was God.
***
Chicken Crossings
Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A:
Jerry Falwell:
Because the chicken was gay! Isn't it obvious? Can't you people see the plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to the "other side." That's what "they" call it: the "other side." Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And, if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like "the other side." That chicken should not be free to cross the road It's as plain and simple as that.
Ken Starr:
I intend to prove that the chicken crossed the road at the behest of the president of the United States of America in an effort to distract law enforcement officials and the American public from the criminal wrongdoing our highest elected official has been trying to cover up. As a result, the chicken is just another pawn in the president's ongoing and elaborate scheme to obstruct justice and undermine the rule of law. For that reason, my staff intends to offer the chicken unconditional immunity provided he co-operates fully with our investigation. Furthermore, the chicken will not be permitted to reach the other side of the road until our investigation and any Congressional follow-up investigations have been completed. (We also are investigating whether Sid Blumenthal has leaked information to the Rev. Jerry Falwell, alleging the chicken to be homosexual in an effort to discredit any useful testimony the bird may have to offer, or at least to ruffle his (feathers.)
Pat Buchanan:
To steal a job from a decent, hardworking American.
Dr. Seuss:
Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes! The chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed, I've not been told!
Ernest Hemingway:
To die. In the rain.
Martin Luther King, Jr.:
I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.
Grandpa:
In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.
Aristotle:
It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
Karl Marx:
It was a historical inevitability.
Saddam Hussein:
This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.
Ronald Reagan:
What chicken?
Captain James T. Kirk:
To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.
Fox Mulder:
You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross before you believe it?
Machiavelli:
The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why? The end of crossing the road justifies whatever motive there was.
Freud:
The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.
Bill Gates:
I have just released eChicken 98, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook. Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of eChicken.
Einstein:
Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the chicken?
Bill Clinton:
I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you mean by chicken? Could you define chicken please?
Immanuel Kant:
The chicken was acting out of a sense of duty to cross the road, as chickens have traditionally crossed roads throughout history.
Louis Farrakhan:
The road, you will see, represents the black man. The chicken crossed the "black man" in order to trample him and keep him down.
The Bible:
And God came down from the heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.
Colonel Sanders:
I missed one?
L. A. Police Department:
Give us five minutes with the chicken and we'll find out.
Richard M. Nixon:
The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did not cross the road. I don't know any chickens. I have never known any chickens.
***
In Defense of Biblical Marriage
The Presidential Prayer Team is currently urging us to "Pray for the President as he seeks wisdom on how to legally codify the definition of marriage. Pray that it will be according to Biblical principles. With any forces insisting on variant definitions of marriage, pray that God's Word and His standards will be honored by our government."
Any good religious person believes prayer should be balanced by action. So here, in support of the Prayer Team's admirable goals, is a proposed Constitutional Amendment codifying marriage entirely on biblical principles:
A. Marriage in the United States shall consist of a union between one man and one or more women (Genesis 29:17-28; II Samuel 3:2-5).
B. Marriage shall not impede a man's right to take concubines in addition to his wife or wives (II Samuel 5:13; I Kings 11:3; II Chronicles 11:21).
C. A marriage shall be considered valid only if the wife is a virgin. If the wife is not a virgin, she shall be executed (Deuteronomy 22:13-21).
D. Marriage of a believer and a non-believer shall be forbidden (Genesis 24:3; Numbers 25:1-9; Ezra 9:12; Nehemiah 10:30).
E. Since marriage is for life, neither this Constitution nor the constitution of any State, nor any state or federal law, shall be construed to permit divorce (Deuteronomy 22:19; Mark 10:9).
F. If a married man dies without children, his brother shall marry the widow. If he refuses to marry his brother's widow or deliberately does not give her children, he shall pay a fine of one shoe and be otherwise punished in a manner to be determined by law (Genesis 38:6-10;
Deuteronomy 25:5-10).
G. In lieu of marriage, if there are no acceptable men in your town, it is required that you get your father drunk and have sex with him (even if he previously offered you up as a sex toy to men young and old), tag-teaminwith any sisters you may have. Of course, this rule applies only if you are female (Genesis 19:31-36).
***
Here's the final word on nutrition and health.
1. Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
2. Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
3. Africans drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
4. Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer Heart attacks than Americans.
5. Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks
than the Americans.
Conclusion: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently
what kills you.
***
Fitness
1) My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 now & we have no idea where she is.
2) The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.
3) I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to show up.
4) I have to exercise in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing.
5) I don't exercise at all. If we were supposed to touch our toes, they'd be further up our body.
6) I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
7) I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.
8) The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.
9) If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a country.
10) I don't jog. It makes the ice jump right out of my glass
***
Governmental Wisdom
The tribal wisdom of the Dakota Indians, passed on from generation to generation, says that, "When you discover that you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount."
However, in government, education and corporate America, more advanced strategies are often employed, such as:
1. Buying a stronger whip.
2. Changing riders.
3. Appointing a committee to study the horse.
4. Arranging to visit other countries to see how other cultures ride dead horses.
5. Lowering the standards so that dead horses can be included.
6. Reclassifying the dead horse as living impaired.
7. Hiring outside contractors to ride the dead horse.
8. Harnessing several dead horses together to increase speed.
9. Providing additional funding and/or training to increase dead horse's performance.
10. Doing a productivity study to see if lighter riders would improve the dead horse's performance.
11. Declaring that as the dead horse does not have to be fed, it is less costly, carries lower overhead and therefore contributes substantially more to the bottom line of the economy than do some other horses.
12. Rewriting the expected performance requirements for all horses. And of course...
13. Promoting the dead horse to a supervisory position.
***
Odd numbers
1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.
2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.
4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."
6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"
7. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'" "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is it common?" Well, "It's Not Unusual."
8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," says Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.
9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.
10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.
11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
12. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.
13. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
14. Two termites walk into a bar. One asks, "Is the bar tender here?"
***
Peace Rally Signs
1) These colors don't run the world.
2) One nation under surveillance.
3) How did our oil get under their sand?
4) Go Solar, not Ballistic.
5) Who would Jesus bomb?
6) Start Drafting SUV Drivers Now.
7) Don't blame me, I voted with the majority.
8) Buck Fush!
9) It's NUCLEAR, not NUCULAR, you idiot!
10) Patriots are idiots - Matriarchy Now!
11) Resistance is Fertile.
12) (Pictures of sheep carrying flags) Stop Mad Sheep Disease Now.
13) (UFW sign) Pick Fruit, not Fights.
14) (On a five year old) More Candy Less War.
15) Say can you see my democracy?
16) (With pictures of Bush, Cheney and Rumsfeld) Asses of Evil.
17) It's the oil, stupid.
18) War is expensive, Peace is priceless.
19) Read between the Pipelines
20) No More Bu.Sh.
21) Smart weapons, Dumb president.
22) The only thing we have to fear is Bush himself.
23) How many Lives per Gallon?
24) Peace Takes Brains
25) Anything War can do, Peace can do better.
26) Negotiation Not Annihilation.
27) Make touchdowns, not war - Go Raiders!
28) Another patriot for peace.
29) Oh Say can You Cease?
30) Star Spangled Bummer
31) Don't Arm a Son of a Bush
32) Don't do it, George, Dad will still love you.
33) Power to the Peaceful
34) The last time we listened to a Bush, we wandered in the desert for 40
years.
***
Zen Judaism
If there is no self,
whose arthritis is this?
The Torah says, "Love thy neighbor as thyself."
The Buddha says there is no "self."
So, maybe you are off the hook.
Be here now.
Be someplace else later.
Is that so complicated?
Drink tea and nourish life.
With the first sip... joy.
With the second... satisfaction.
With the third, peace.
With the fourth, a danish.
Wherever you go, there you are.
Your luggage is another story.
Accept misfortune as a blessing.
Do not wish for perfect health
or a life without problems.
What would you talk about?
The journey of a thousand miles
begins with a single "oy."
There is no escaping karma.
In a previous life, you never called,
you never wrote, you never visited.
And whose fault was that?
Zen is not easy.
It takes effort to attain nothingness.
And then what do you have?
Bupkes.
The Tao does not speak.
The Tao does not blame.
The Tao does not take sides.
The Tao has no expectations.
The Tao demands nothing of others.
The Tao is not Jewish.
Breathe in. Breathe out.
Forget this and attaining Enlightenment
will be the least of your problems.
Let your mind be as a floating cloud.
Let your stillness be as the wooded glen.
And sit up straight. You'll never meet the Buddha
with such rounded shoulders.
Be patient and achieve all things.
Be impatient and achieve all things faster.
To Find the Buddha, look within.
Deep inside you are ten thousand flowers.
Each flower blossoms ten thousand times.
Each blossom has ten thousand petals.
You might want to see a specialist.
Motorcycle maintenance, do the following:
get rid of the motorcycle.
What were you thinking?
Be aware of your body.
Be aware of your perceptions.
Keep in mind that not every physical
sensation is a symptom of a terminal illness.
The Buddha taught that one should practice
loving kindness to all sentient beings.
Still, would it kill you to find a nice
sentient being who happens to be Jewish?
Though only your skin, sinews, and bones remain, though your blood and
flesh dry up and wither away, yet shall you meditate and not stir until
you have attained full Enlightenment.
But, first, a little nosh.
***
Jewish Haiku
Are you familiar with Haiku? If not, the first line of the poem has 5
syllables, the second line, seven syllables, the third line, five
syllables.(fyi)
Lacking fins or tail
The gefilte fish swims with
Great difficulty.
Beyond Valium,
peace is knowing one's child
Is an internist.
On Passover
we opened door for Elijah.
Now our cat is gone.
After the warm rain
The sweet smell of camellias.
Did you wipe your feet?
Her lips near my ear,
Aunt Sadie whispers the name
Of her friend's disease.
Today I am a man.
Tomorrow I will return
To the seventh grade.
Testing the warm milk
On her wrist, she sighs softly.
But her son is forty.
The sparkling blue sea
Reminds me to wait an hour
After my sandwich.
Like a bonsai tree,
Is your terrible posture
At my dinner table.
Jews on safari --
Map, compass, elephant gun,
Hard sucking candies.
The same kimono
The top geishas are wearing:
I got it at Loehmann's.
The shivah visit:
So sorry about your loss.
Now back to my problems.
Mom, please! There is no
Need to put that dinner roll
In yourpocketbook.
Seven-foot Jews in
The NBA slam-dunking!
My alarm clock rings.
Sorry I'm not home
To take your call. At the tone
Please state your bad news.
Is one Nobel Prize
So much to ask from a child
After all I've done?
Today, mild shvitzing.
Tomorrow, so hot you'll plotz.
Five-day forecast: feh
Yenta. Shmeer. Gevalt.
Shlemiel. Shlimazl. Meshuganah Oy!
To be fluent!
Quietly murmured
At Saturday Synagogue services,
Yanks 5, Red Sox 3.
A lovely nose ring,
Excuse me while I put my
Head in the oven.
Hard to tell under the lights.
White Yarmulke or
Male-pattern baldness
***
Women in a Sauna
Three women; two younger, and one senior citizen, were sitting naked in a sauna.
Suddenly there was a beeping sound. The young woman pressed her forearm and the beep stopped.
The others looked at her questioningly.
"That was my pager," she said. I have a microchip under the skin of my arm.
A few minutes later, a phone rang. The second young woman lifted
her palm to her ear.
When she finished, she explained, "that was my mobile phone. I have
A microchip in my hand."
The older woman felt very low tech. Not to be out done, she decided she had to do something just as impressive.
She stepped out of the sauna and went to the bathroom.
She returned with a piece of toilet paper hanging from her rear
End. The others raised their eyebrows and stared at her...
The older woman finally said.........
Well, will you look at that..... I'm getting a fax!
***