Laughing Due to Language
For all you Lexophiles (Lovers of Words)...
1. A bicycle can't stand alone because it is two-tired.
2. What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway).
3. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
4. A backward poet writes inverse.
5. In democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count that votes.
6. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
7. Seven days without a pun makes one weak.
8. If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.
9. With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
10. Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat minor.
11. When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
12. The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
13. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
14. You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
15. Local Area Network in Australia: The LAN down under.
16. He often broke in to song because he couldn't find the key.
17. Every calendar's days are numbered.
18. A lot of money is tainted: 'Taint yours and 'taint mine.
19. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
20. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
21. A plateau is a high form of flattery.
22. The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
23. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
24. When you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.
25. Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
26. When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.
27. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
28. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
29. Acupuncture is a jab well done.
30. Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
***
And a different angle on words...
We'll begin with a box, and the plural is boxes; but the plural of ox became oxen not oxes.
One fowl is a goose, but two are called geese, yet the plural of moose should never be meese.
You may find a lone mouse or a nest full of mice; yet the plural of house is houses, not hice.
If the plural of man is always called men, why shouldn't the plural of pan be called pen?
If I spoke of my foot and show you my feet, and I give you a boot, would a pair be called beet?
If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth, why shouldn't the plural of booth be called beeth?
Then one may be that, and three would be those, yet hat in the plural would never be hose, and the plural of cat is cats, not cose.
We speak of a brother and also of brethren, but though we say mother, we never say methren.
Then the masculine pronouns are he, his and him, but imagine the feminine, she, shis and shim.
Let's face it, English is a crazy language.
There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England.
We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea, nor is it a pig.
And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham?
Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends, but not one amend?
If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?
If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught?
If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?
Sometimes, I think all the folks who grew up speaking English should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane.
In what other language do people recite at a play and play at a recital?
Ship by truck and send cargo by ship?
Have noses that run and feet that smell?
How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?
You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down; in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which an alarm goes off by going on.
***
Reasons why the English language is so hard to learn:
1) The bandage was wound around the wound.
2) The farm was used to produce produce.
3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
4) We must polish the Polish furniture.
5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.
8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum
9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10) I did not object to the object.
11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
13) They were too close to the door to close it.
14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.
15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail
18) After a number of injections my jaw got number.
19) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
20) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests
21) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
***
High School Essay Marvels
Every year, English teachers from across the country can submit their collections of similes and metaphors found in high school essays. These excerpts are published each year to the amusement of teachers across the country. Here are this year's winners.
1) Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.
2) His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.
3) He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.
4) She grew on him like she was a colony of E.Coli, and he was room- temperature Canadian beef.
5) She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.
6) Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
7) He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree.
8) The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM machine.
9) The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.
10) McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.
11) From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.
12) Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.
13) The hail stones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.
14) Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.
15) They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.
16) John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.
17) He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant and she was the East River.
18) Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out
so long, it had rusted shut.
19) Shots rang out as shots are wont to do.
20) The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.
21) The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.
22) He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.
23) The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.
24) It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.
25) He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage
truck backing up.
***
Humor from ‘New word’ emails... (2002)
The Washington Post published a contest for readers in which they were asked to supply alternate meanings for various words. The following were some of the winning entries:
Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon.
Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.
Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent
Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightie.
Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
Gargoyle (n.), an olive-flavoured mouthwash.
Flatulence (n.) the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.
Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.
Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanour assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you.
Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions.
Circumvent (n.), the opening in the front of boxer shorts.
***
2003 Winners from the Washington Post's Style Invitational (readers are asked to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.
1. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
2. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
3. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
4. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
5. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.
6. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
7. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
8. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
9. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.
10. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
11. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like a serious bummer.
12. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
13. Glibido: All talk and no action.
14. Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
15. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
17. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating.
And the pick of the literature:
18. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.
***
Word Twists
1. Two vultures board an airplane, each carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at them and says, "I'm sorry, gentlemen, only one carrion allowed per passenger."
2. Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.
3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit afirein the craft, it sank, proving once again that you can't have yourkayak and heat it, too.
4. A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking fot the man who shot my paw."
5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? He wanted to
transcend dental medication.
6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse."But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
7. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goesto a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The othergoes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."
8. These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they openeupa small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, ! thereby proving that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.
9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time,which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him ....what? A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
10. And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
***
The Best First Line of a Bad Novel Contest
For those of you who do not know, Bulwer-Lytton wrote The Last Days of Pompeii, which opens with the famous line "It was a dark and stormy night." Hence the contest. These are the 10 winners of this year's Bulwer-Lytton contest (run by the English Dept of San Jose State University), wherein one writes only the first line of a bad novel.
10) "As a scientist, Throckmorton knew that if he were ever to break wind in the echo chamber he would never hear the end of it."
9) "Just beyond the Narrows the river widens."
8) "With a curvaceous figure that Venus would have envied, a tanned, unblemished oval face framed with lustrous thick brown hair, deep azure-blue eyes fringed with long black lashes, perfect teeth that vied for competition, and a small straight nose, Marilee had a beauty that defied description."
7) "Andre, a simple peasant, had only one thing on his mind as he crept along the East wall: 'Andre creep... Andre creep... Andre creep.'"
6) "Stanislaus Smedley, a man always on the cutting edge of narcissism, was about to give his body and soul to a back alley sex-change surgeon to become the woman he loved."
5) "Although Sarah had an abnormal fear of mice, it did not keep her from eeking out a living at a local pet store."
4) "Stanley looked quite bored and somewhat detached, but then penguins often do."
3) "Like an over-ripe beefsteak tomato rimmed with cottage cheese, the corpulent remains of Santa Claus lay dead on the hotel floor."
2) "Mike Hardware was the kind of private eye who didn't know the meaning of the word 'fear'; a man who could laugh in the face of danger and spit in the eye of death -- in short, a moron with suicidal tendencies."
And the Winner Is...
1) "The sun oozed over the horizon, shoved aside darkness, crept along the greensward, and, with sickly fingers, pushed through the castle window, revealing the pillaged princess, hand at throat, crown asunder, gaping in frenzied horror at the sated, sodden amphibian lying beside her, disbelieving the magnitude of the frog's deception, screaming madly, 'You lied!'"
***
Merge-matic books from the Washington Post Invitational
Readers were asked to combine the works of two authors and provide a suitable blurb.
Second Runner-up:
"Machiavelli's The Little Prince"-Antoine de Saint-Exupery's classic children's tale as presented by Machiavelli. The whimsy of human nature is embodied in many delightful and intriguing characters, all of whom are executed. (Erik Anderson, Tempe, Ariz.)
First Runner-Up:
"Green Eggs and Hamlet"-Would you kill him in his bed? / Thrust a dagger through his head? I would not, could not, kill the King. / I could not do that evil thing. /would not wed this girl, you see. / Now get her to a nunnery. (Robin Parry, Arlington)
And the Winner:
"Fahrenheit 451 of the Vanities"-An '80s yuppie is denied books. He does not object, or even notice. (Mike Long, Burke)
Honorable Mentions:
"Where's Walden?"-Alas, the challenge of locating Henry David Thoreau in each richly detailed drawing loses its appeal when it quickly becomes clear that he is always in the woods. (Sandra Hull, Arlington)
"Looking for Mr. Godot"-A young woman waits for Mr. Right to enter her life. She has a looong wait. (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park)
"Catch-22 in the Rye"-Holden learns that if you're insane, you'll probably flunk out of prep school, but if you're flunking out of prep school, you're probably not insane. (Brendan Beary, Great Mills)
"As I Lay Winesburg, Ohio"-William Faulkner and Sherwood Anderson tell the unforgettable story of one man's ambitious quest to nail every woman in his home town. (Grady Norris, New Bern, N.C.)
"2001: A Space Iliad"-The Hal 9000 computer wages an insane 100-year war against the Greeks after falling victim to the Y2K bug. (Joseph Romm, Washington)
"Curious Georgefather"-The monkey finally sticks his nose where it don't belong. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)
"The Hunchback Also Rises"-Hideously deformed fellow is cloistered in bell tower by despicable clergymen. And that's the good news ... (John Verba, Washington)
"The Maltese Faulkner"-Is the black bird a tortured symbol of Sam's struggles with race and family? Does it signify his decay of soul along with the soul of the Old South? Is it merely a crow, mocking his attempts to understand? Or is it worth a cool mil? (Thad Humphries, Warrenton)
"The Silence of the Hams"-In this endearing update of the Seuss classic, young Sam-I-Am presses unconventional foodstuffs on his friend, Hannibal, who turns the tables. (Mark Eckenwiler, Washington)
"Portnoy's Choice": A man is forced to choose between his right and left hand. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg)
"Jane Eyre Jordan": Plucky English orphan girl survives hardships to lead the Chicago Bulls to the NBA championship. (Dave Pickering, Bowie)
"Nicholas and Alexandra Nickleby"-Having narrowly escaped a Bolshevik firing squad, the former czar and czarina join a troupe of actors only to find that playing the Palace isn't as grand as living in it. (Sandra Hull, Arlington)
"Tarzan of the Grapes"-The beleaguered Okies of the dust bowl are saved by a strong and brave savage who swings from grapevine to grapevine. (Joseph Romm, Washington)
"Rikki-Kon-Tiki-Tavi"-Thor Heyerdahl recounts his attempt to prove Rudyard Kipling's theory that the mongoose first came to India on a raft from Polynesia. (David Laughton, Washington)
***
Quirky Thoughts
1. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?
2. Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?
3. Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?
4. If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...does that mean that one enjoys it?
5. There are three religious truths:
a. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
b. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian faith.
c. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store.
6. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?
7. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
8. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
9. Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread to begin with?
10. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?
11. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
12. Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards: NAIVE
13. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?
14. What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
15. I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me ....they're cramming for their final exam.
16. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks , so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? toothpicks?
17. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?
18. If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?
19. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
20. Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?
21. If a cow laughed, would milk come out of her nose?
***
The Year's Best [Actual] Headlines of 2003
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
Miners Refuse to Work after Death
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
War Dims Hope for Peace
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Enfi eld (London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
***
Wily Will Rogers
From whom we receive the following words of wit and wisdom:
1. Never slap a man who's chewing tobacco.
2. Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.
3. There are 2 theories to arguing with a woman...neither works.
4. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
5. Always drink upstream from the herd.
6. If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging.
7. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it and put
it back in your pocket.
8. There are three kinds of men: The ones that learn by reading. The few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence and find out for themselves.
9. Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
10. If you're riding' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.
11. Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier'n puttin' it back.
12. After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him. The moral: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.
About Growing Older...
First ~ Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.
Second ~ The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.
Third ~ Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know "why" I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.
Fourth ~ When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.
Fifth ~ You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.
Sixth ~ I don't know how I got over the hill without getting tothe top.
Seventh ~ One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young.
Eighth ~ One must wait until evening to see how splendid the day has been.
Ninth ~ Being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.
Tenth ~ Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft. Today it's called golf.
And finally ~ If you don't learn to laugh at trouble, you won't have anything to laugh at when you are old.
***
Assuming Anglocentrism...
Random misstatements:
* "Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose." -- A sign in a Swiss hotel.
* "Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time." -- A sign in a laundry in Rome.
* "Members and non-members only." -- A sign outside Mexico City's Mandinga Disco in the Hotel Emporio.
* "Shower of Happiness. Total Safety Guaranteed." -- A label on an electric shower (to heat cold water) in Thailand.
* "Do not spit here and there." -- A sign in Calcutta, India.
* "Commit No Nuisance." -- A sign in Calcutta, India.
* "Dresses for streetwalkers." -- A junk mail ad in Germany.
* "Don't get into this." -- A sign in Japan with the universal "do not enter" symbol.
* "We are thinking that 'How to management' is more important than 'What for sell'. we want to realize that is 'It's well that!' that is our opinion." -- On the cover of a photo shop's envelopes for newly developed film.
* "Deposit: The owner asks for a deposit of 25.000 ptas as a guarantee for the flat. This amount will be returned at the end of your stay if any damage has been done." -- A sign in a Spanish hotel.
* "Warning: Do not leave it in this place which may have a high temperature such as the car closed." -- Instructions for a CD adapter for a car's tape player.
* "Warning! Difficult to swim out if wearing wader filled with water by falling down! Therefor, please avoid deep water where danger of drowning possibility exists." -- On the label of a pair of chest waders manufactured in Taiwan.
* "Please leave your values at the front desk." -- A sign in a Paris hotel.
* "Let's skiing." -- A sign in a ski chalet in Nagano, Japan.
* "Child be a public servant. The best balance of music and technology within a vaguely." -- Written on a T-shirt for sale in a market in Hong Kong.
* "Dah Wong Path." -- A sign for a park path in Hong Kong.
* "Caution Water On Road During Rain" -- A sign in Malaysia.
* "Refund!" -- "Caution," as translated into Italian on a "wet floor" sign in an Italian McDonald's.
* "Please to bathe inside the tub." -- A sign in a Japanese hotel room.
* "Our staffs are always here waiting for you to patronize them." -- From an advertisement for a hotel in Tokyo.
* "This shop has been moved to the present place for 35 years." -- From an advertisement for an antique shop in Tokyo.
* "Colorful dining space surrounded by stained glasses." -- From an advertisement for a restaurant in Tokyo.
* To everyone of the use, Laundromat.
Many people use a Laundromat. Let's comply with the next item to use it for the cleanness safety.
1. Let's read the explanation of the way of using it well, and use the washing machine, the dryness machine properly.
2. Let's wash a hand well before and after a wash.
3. Don't wash the person who get's an epidemic, and clothes which contacted with the person.
4. Don't wash a diaper which urine stuck to, sports shoes, an animal's rug because an unpleasantness is given to the person handled later and it is un-sanitation.
5. Let's bring it back after you spread the wash from the dryness machine and a state is done.
6. Please ask a satellite control person in charge for the inquiry about the establishment, the contact of in case of emergency.
-- Instructions on the wall of the laundry room in a hotel in Tokyo.
* "You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday." -- A sign in a Moscow hotel across the street from a Russian Orthodox monastery.
* "Please waste." -- Signs on trash cans in an amusement park in Osaka, Japan.
* "You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid." -- A sign in a Japanese hotel.
* "The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid." -- A sign in a Yugoslavian hotel.
* "Specialist in women and other diseases." -- A sign outside of Roman doctor's office.
* "If this is your first visit to the USSR, you are welcome to it." -- A sign on the door of a Moscow hotel room.
* "Is forbidden to steal towels please. If you are not a person to do such thing is please not to read notis." -- A sign in a Tokyo hotel.
* "To more the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If the cabin should enter more persons, each one should press a number of wishing floor. Driving is then going alphabetically by national order." -- A sign in a Belgrade elevator.
* "Please take one step forward and crap twice." -- A sign in a temple in China.
* "Figure Out Fare Office" -- A sign on a small wooden house at a bus station in Laos.
* "Dresses for street walking." -- A sign outside a Paris dress shop.
* "Our nylons cost more than common, but you'll find they are the best in the long run." -- A sign in an Acapulco hotel.
* "Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar." -- A sign in a Norwegian cocktail lounge.
* "Order your summers suit. Because is big rush we will execute customers in strict rotation." -- A sign in a Rhodes tailor shop.
* "The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable." -- A sign in a Bucharest hotel lobby.
* "Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists." -- From an advertisement by a dentist in Hong Kong.
* "It is strictly forbidden on our Black Forest camping site that people of different sex, for instance, men and women, live together in one tent unless they are married with each other for that purpose." -- A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest.
* "Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11am daily." -- A sign in a hotel in Athens.
* "Dirty Water Punishment Place" -- How a sewage treatment plant was marked on a Tokyo map.
* "The manager has personally passed all the water served here." -- A sign in an Acapulco hotel.
* "Do not enter lift backwards, and only when lit up." -- A sign in a Leipzig elevator.
* "Not to perambulate the corridors in the hours of repose in the boots of ascension." -- A sign in an Austrian hotel catering to skiers.
* "Take one of our horse driven city tours -- we guarantee no miscarriages." -- A sign in a Czechoslovakian tourist agency.
* "We take your bags and send them in all directions." -- A sign in a Copenhagen airline ticket office.
* "Ladies may have a fit upstairs." -- A sign outside a Hong Kong tailor shop.
* "Here speeching American." -- A sign in a Majorcan shop entrance.
* "Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty." -- A sign in a Budapest zoo.
* "For your convenience, we recommend courteous, efficient self-service." -- A sign in a Hong Kong supermarket.
* "In case of fire, do your utmost to alarm the hotel porter." -- A sign in a Vienna hotel.
* "Warning: Please do not leave children unattended. We are not responsible for lost children or injuries." -- A sign by an apparently dangerous koi pond in a Chinese Restaurant.
* "WARNING: Tips for waitress not privilege off customer, and not optonal to do! Is custimarry and IS THE LAW for leave tips, otherwise is possibul to face prostection by law! Please be responsivele, leave tip and no go jail! Have a nice day!" -- A sign on tables in a Chinese Restaurant in the United States.
* "Coffee and Snakes" -- A sign in a coffee shop in Ingolstadt, Germany.
* "Billiards and Snocker" -- A sign in a pool hall in Ingolstadt, Germany.
* "Cramp Heads" -- On a box of clamp heads from Japan.
* "Stop. Drive sideways." -- A detour sign in Japan.
* "Special Today - no ice cream" -- A sign at a Swiss inn.
* "You did not report yourself by the Alien police. You have to do this in a short time, otherwise you get troubles! When you don't come to our office, we demand you to come! And when you don't come again, you maybe have to pay a fine, and it is possible that you will be expanded." -- A letter sent by the Rotterdam (Netherlands) foreign police to someone who did not show up for a registration appointment.
Instructions:
* "Adults: 1 tablet 3 times a day until passing away." -- From instructions on a Japanese medicine bottle.
* "Let's decompose and enjoy assembling!" -- Instructions for a puzzle toy made in Taiwan.
* "three types of ball are offered. They are one. two. three." -- Instructions for Chinese Baoding Exercise balls.
* "Can't food or drink." -- On a bottle of cleaning fluid for a 3 1/2" head cleaning disk.
* "Not to be used for the other use." -- On a Japanese food processor.
* "Cease Fire." -- On a fire extinguisher in Calcutta, India.
* "1. Lift up receiver. 2. Insert phone card. 3. Dial 0999 + number. 4. Say Hello." -- On a phone card in Japan.
* "You will know radio on by enchanting green light." -- From the instructions for a Hitachi radio.
* "This is natural deliciousness given from warm solar light and a rich field. Attach it to time of your wonderful tea. Please ear it on the tea time of afternoon." -- On the wrapper of a brand of tea cookies.
* "Warning! Click the model you need! Be sure to downlode the correct software; otherwise, the device will be out of work!!" -- From the drivers section of a model manufacturer's web site.
* "Cooles and Heates: If you want just condition of warm in your room, please control yourself." -- From the instructions on a Japanese hotel air conditioner.
* "Plug the phone jack into the wall. If the phone rings, pick it up and greet the person on the other end by saying 'Hello!' or another such greeting. Once completing your conversation, hang up the phone." -- Instructions for a telephone manufactured in Japan.
* "Please find scales on the adjusting plates, there are 3 concavities for 3 different heights (26", 700C & 28"), fit carrier on your bike after chooseing 1 suitable scales, make sure this is right size and screw it up." -- From the instructions for a bike rack. The instructions also had a "Parta List."
* "Assembly. 1. Attach upper pipe to pillar pipe and pull out pillar pipe until the top of upper pipe is reached to the ceiling. 2. Tighten the short bolt of pipe support connector all the way. 3. Turn pole to counter clockwise with holding rubber foot to have secured strong set up or you can turn rubber foot to clockwise. 4. Measuring appreciate height to hang clothes and fasten bracket tightly to poles. 5. Pull out cross bar to appreciate length." -- Instructions for a closet insert manufactured in Japan.
* "Please be sure to keep the vents on top open. Do not bring spillables near these, like chicken soup and dust." -- Instructions, translated from Mandarin, for a computer monitor.
* "Fingering the nothingness that underlies everything." -- How a Japanese technical manual referred to a "pointer to void."
* "Almighty type." -- On a box for a universal (guitar/bass) guitar holder from Japan.
* "Known to cure itching, colds, stomachs, brains, and other diseases." -- On a bottle of Chinese medicine.
* "I can singing and dancing." -- On a toy gorilla.
* "With Fresh Vegetables dayly... Just a little bit, different Tastes of a regular cook." -- Instructions on the box of a cooking device for making potato curls.
* "Helps you in cooking fast, joyful beautiful sharp edged!" -- More instructions from the potato curl device box.
* "Made of Safety Type, Hi-Quality Nylon Brinforced Glass" -- More instructions from the potato curl device box.
* "Helps your cooking fast, joyfully with wonderfully edged strings!" -- Instructions from the potato curl device manual.
* "Slices, Tine cuts, Strips, etc., made speedily and with no wastes." -- More instructions from the potato curl device manual.
* "Polygon Form: It is a solid image by the line and plane. Anyone is assembled on the screen." -- On the label of a T-shirt purchased in Japan.
* "Strong disk plug." -- "Hard drive," as translated into Italian on the instruction sheet for a Taiwanese hard drive.
* Rules for climbing Mt. Fuji:
o A teffific Gust often overtakes three times consecutively. Keep yourself lying flat on the siope until it's completely blown over. Danger comes soonest when it's despised.
o In case of Bad weather such as, storm, fain, snow and a dense fog, avoid climbing futher than the fifth staition. when the weather breaks Suddely. just give up half-way and Return.
o The nearest-to-the-sky location in Japan is far colder than the feets of the mountain.
o Bring garbage back to your home.
* "If a tour group contains more than the number stiputed above, it is different in application. The particulars will be asked the clerk at the window. A man below 18 years old should be accompanied by the adults." -- Rules for touring the Kyoto Imperial Palace in Kyoto, Japan.
* "For long distance Dial 0 and Aria Cord." -- Instructions on a phone in a hotel in Japan.
* "Qimiao" top is an intellectual toy made auording to physical fundamentals, it has simple stmcture, advanced technological procese, delicate model and various ways to play. It inspires children's thacghts and touches off the latent energy of scientific knowledge. Deep individually the friends welcome.
Manipulation Instnutions:
1. To start with the rack: Make the rack tallywith the wheel, Then pull it out with ease, make the top rotate at a high speed.
2. To start with the thread: wind the thread around the axis, hold the outside circle of the top with left hand, peass thelong end of the thread with the left palm, draw out the short amd of the thread with force, make the top rotate at the high speed.
A life seems to bave been poured into the rotafing toy as soom as it gets started. LED will rmit light and form a colorful circle, NO inatter where it is or what angle it is at, the toy may always atand wpright, lay down, It is veny enyoyable, Many diggicult and exciting plays can be xomplets during the process.
-- Instructions on a top made in China.
* "Synopsis of the Healthy Ball
The Introduction Remarks of Gymnastic Batt Bail Modelled on Cloisnne And Gymnaastic Ball Modelled on Jade Design.
Cloisonne Gymnastic Ball and Jade Gymnastic Ball modelled after the traditional techological process of doisonne and painting of China. It not only carries on the ancient traditional technology, but also creates some more patterns. So it becomes even more sounder. wear-resisting and it is not so cold as iron ones in winter. It is a king of handicrafte treasure senior gift and the best thing for middle or old men to built up their bodies.
Function: The ball is based on the theory of traditional chinese medical science that every finger links with the heart. when you move the balls on your palm, all the muscles and joints would be put in motion, and thus the body of the ball will stimulate each acupuncture point on the hand. This can makc the circulation of vital energy and blood go through. Wbile you play with the ball, it can provide a sounding of high and low. The sounding will regulate your nervous system and relax your muscles. After a period of time of exercises, it can prevent high blood pressure from appearing, stop nerves from being weak of insomnia, neurasthenia and moreover to prolong your life. The only way you can reach the aim is never stop exercising the ball on your palm
Usage: When playing with balls, hold two of them with the palm of your hand.enable the two balls to go around each other. It is suitable for beginners to choose the ball in sm ll size to play with. when you got the skill to play, you can choose the ball in bigger size, and then you can play with three or four within one hand at a time.
Maintenance: The ball is made of metal, which should be kept dry and clean and prevent from violent collision.If it to be put unused for a long time coat it with wax or grease for sealing and preservation"
-- Instructions on a Cloisonne Hand Exercising Balls, which are two hand-painted metallic balls with chimes inside them. The intention is to roll the balls around in your palm as a means of stress relief and relaxation.
* "Setting Pre Ceiling Way and Means:
(1) with appertain rotor of screw setting pre ceiling on the under standing that serew no wield.May wield two-faced,pressboard securing. wied pre to begin with wiping ceiling of bilge dasto.
(2) Thread of length need half as many again as tad.
(3) Open toy of batteries shuck. Verification batteries,+,-whereafter stow down.to a certainty need locknat lest take place accident.
(4) Hook through toys apside of hole.
(5) Needs swithes shoving NO.for pre arrows specifying of orention shoving. Pack it up time, withbold toy pate,need switches shoving OFF.
* Prythee no sport with stingy or play asperity game. Winding finger have got bloodstream not wallk. Throagh of peril.
* Tad disport of time grown man tatelage.
* Till the cowcomes home.Wield toys damage,burn-in prythee wind to a close wield.
* Give attention to open/close toys,therefore take place peril.for instance slipup batteries wield result in the emission of heat rupture liquid.vent itself prythee pay attention.
* Play at sith to a certainty bolt up power supply fetch out batteries.
* Batteries no electification dissolution,plunge ioto aquaor fire.
* Not trust for tad batteries lest in advertent eat off. In the event of accident without loss of time plythee pillroller tuke order with.
May pre house the seamy side volitation!!!"
-- Instructions and warnings on a Dragonball-Z toy. See a scanned image.
* "1. Check the screws, wheels for loosen and abnormality, height of handle and handle before usage.
2. This product is for sliding only, please don't modify this product.
3. For you safety, please put on safety helmet, knee, elbows and wrist guards and put on leisure clothing. Never wear high heel shoes or shoes with slipper sole, avoid headphone and sun glass.
4. Avoid riding together with two persons or on busy street, pedestrian path, gravel road or any place which tend to slippery. We're commend using this product on a parking lot or road without traffic or vacant asphalt game areas.
5. Please don't use by children or person who doesn't read this instruction.
6. Please don't use this product in case of drinking or physically unfit.
7. Please don't use this product in case of raining, snowing, at night.
8. Brake is unable to provide reliable protection on slopes, thus, aware of the speed and make sure you can stop when necessary. But don't reduce the speed too fast, you may fall.
9. Please grip the handles properly while using; besides, don't use this product as a transportation vehicle. Pay attention to pedestrian, handicapped, bike rider, roller skater, skateboard player or pet to avoid traffic accident.
10. You may lose your balance while tuming, you are batter to get off or decrease your speed before tuming.
11. Pay attention to the furrows on the road, for the wheel may get stuck or blocked at tramlines or manhole covers.
12. The weight limit of this product on application is 150LBS or less.
13. This product is suitable for sliding only, do not overestimate your skills. You should adapt the speed to your abiliyt always, it is a good idea to get off if you in doubt of traffic conditions.
14. When self-locking nuts and other self-locking fixings may loose their effectiveness."
-- The safety sheet for a scooter manufactured in Asia.
* "The new-designed costume facilitates the figure which in fine proportion with moveable joints acts lively. Transformation comes possible."
"Beware of being swallowed by child, due to small parts."
"Avoid disturbing the other while enjoying this item."
"During cutting, do not put your head too close."
"There is difference between up and down."
"Insert G-51 until you hear 'Kar'."
-- Excerpts from the instructions on a Dragonball-Z action figure.
* "Welcome to Chinese Restaurant. Please try your Nice Chinese Food with Chopsticks the traditional and typical of Chinese glorious history. and cultual." -- Instructions on a chopsticks wrapper.
"Welcome to Chinese Restaurant. Please try Your Nice Chinese Food With Chopsticks. the traditional and typical If Chinaes glorious history and culture." -- Instructions on the wrapper for the same brand of chopsticks, as rewritten months later.
"Welcome to Chinese Restaurant. Please try your Nice Chinese Food with chopsticks. the traditional and typical of Chinese glonous history and cultual." -- The same instructions, rewritten still more months later.
"Welcome to Chinese Restaurant. Please try your Nice Chinese Food With Chopsticke the traditional and trpical of Chinese glorious history and cultual." -- Another rewrite.
* "Learn how to use your chopsticks Tuk under thurnb and hcld firmly Add second chcostick hold it as you hold a pencil Hold tirst chopstick in originai position move the second one up and down Now you can pick up anything:" -- Instructions for using chopsticks, on the back of the same chopsticks wrapper mentioned above.
"Add second chopstick hold it you hold a pencil. Hold first chopstick in onginial position move the second one up and down Now you can pick up anything:" -- A rewrite.
"Hold first chopstick on orginal position move its second up and down now you can pick - up anything" -- Another rewrite.
* "Two little sticks
They're made out of wood
And they help you
To pick up your lunch
Your lunch
And if you practice
Then you'd get good
And you'll tind you can pick up
A bunch to munch
Eat noodles with chopsticks
Eat dumplings with chopsticks
Eat sushi with chopsticks
That's fish!
Don't eat soup with your chopsticks
That's no good with chopsticks
And jello with slide off
Your dish
I eat with chopsticks
Can you eat with chopsticks
Doctor told us
Be intell eat by using chopsticks
Lots of people use chopsticks
So try eat your chopsticks
Right Now"
-- The same brand of chopsticks, apparently giving up on prose and going for poetry instead.
Spoken:
* "Hey, you there! Open those windows. Let the air force come in!" -- Spoken by a teacher for whom English was a second language.
* "With you I feel myself in kindergarten!" -- Spoken by a Russian teacher of mathematics to a noisy class.
Brochures and Newspapers:
* "When a passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage tootle him with vigor." -- From a brochure at a Tokyo car rental firm.
* "In this real environment replicated entertainment park, you can enjoy the very things of Hongkong by just stepping your foot one step in. Here lies the amazing experience never elsewhere." -- On a brochure for an amusement park in Odaiba, Japan.
* "Some people just think that Odaiba is just like a double sided magic mirror. Yes, exactly. Whatever dream you have, you may find its trace and realize it in Odaiba. Just tour through Odaiba by Free Shuttle Bus. To your surprise, you may make new friends." -- On a brochure for Odaiba, Japan.
* "There are a newspaper publishing company and a special exibition by own company plan. Be planned a wide genre from a picture to a photograph by richness." -- On a brochure for Odayku Museum in Japan.
* "Toyota E-com will be come a main type of car suitable for commutation in metropolis and the suburbs nearly in the future." -- On a brochure in Japan.
* "The story of each riding is different. Many people cannot help riding again and again." -- On a brochure for a theme park in Japan.
* "Have formality of the first kabuki play ground. There is the earphone guide who can hear explanation which enjoying the play." -- On a brochure for Idemitsu Museum in Japan.
* "Mt. Kilimanjaro, the breathtaking backdrop for the Serena Lodge. Swim in the lovely pool while you drink it all in." -- From a brochure.
* "Let's fun." -- From a advertising paper for a local disco in Luxembourg.
* "A Great Stage Where Wings of the World Gather, Flap, and Fly skyward." -- From a guide to the Narita airport.
* "Val d'Isere, a resort village, expects you in Winter as well as in Summer for spending relaxing and well-being moments in its comfortable environment." -- From a brochure for the Val d'Isere ski resort.
* "In case of fire, please read this." -- On a Saudi hotel's fire safety brochure.
* "In the close village you can buy jolly memorials for when you pass away." -- From a tourist brochure.
* "Come to Juan's Jewelry Shop. We won't screw you too much." -- On cards handed out by a man in front of a jewelry shop in Mexico.
* "A new swimming pool is rapidly taking shape since the contractors have thrown in the bulk of their workers." -- From a story in an East African newspaper.
* "Having freshly taken over the propriety of this notorious house, I am wishful that you remove to me your esteemed costume. Standing among savage scenery, the hotel offers stupendous revelations. There is a french widow in every bedroom, affording delightful prospects. I give personal look to the interior wants of each guest. Here, you shall be well fed-up and agreeably drunk. Our charges for weekly visitors are scarcely creditable. Peculiar arrangements for gross parties, our motto is ever serve you right!" -- From a European holiday brochure.
The ATT Tokyo Guide, an English magazine distributed free at hotels:
* "Kabukiza Theater. The theatre which excellent lines exist, and is famous. Be brilliant, and the stage equipped with is proud of Kabukiza." [New!]
* "Mitsuo AIDA Museam. Three minute by feet exit Ginza Yurakucho. A work of poet Mituo Aida stands in line. Change an exhibition ever 1~3 months and there is a shop too." [New!]
* "National Science Museum. Be only total science museums in Japan. Classified roughly to the natural group of secretaries gate, the department of science and engineering gate, and exhibit it." [New!]
* "Tokyo International Forum. Various events are done. As a foothold of active international interchange, a multiporpose can utilize it. The open space that imaged one garden between a hall building and glass buildings is space of spacious rest." [New!]
* "Karakuri Museum. Deceive you, and exhibit a picture and trick art. Oh own mechanism pictures of a Shah, and photograph photography in building is permission too." [New!]
* "Ueno Zoo. The zoo which was made for the first time in Japan. Show an animal equal to or more than 361 kinds including a giant panda of popularity." [New!]
* "Q-Front. This skeleton building opened in December 1999. A picture of the Shibuya bee public front is projected by a building and an eye of people pays attention to it. A what's new of Shibuya such as a movie, a music, a book, a gourmet gathers here." [New!]
* "Tokyo IMAX Theater. Can enjoy the picture which puts on exclusive glasses, and is full of a sense of reality. 9/2, 2000 - 3/2, 2001, It has 'Michale Joedan to the MAX' for foreign his fan it is perfect English version!" [New!]
* "Isetan Museum. Opening time, the closure day follows a department store. Plan an exhibition of wellknown West art mainly on a picture exibition. Befull-scale museums of existence, of a pioneer as a museum of a department store." [New!]
* "Toshogu Shrine. Enshrine a virtue river house with Toshogu Shrine style of the early days. A stone garden lantern in the left is called an another name 'Obake Toro (apparition garden lantern)' and be japanese three large garden lantern one." [New!]
* "Mecca of sumo, Ryogoku. If Akihabara is Mecca of an electricity product, the two countries is Mecca of sumo. Several times sumo tournaments are done in a year. A beer hall and a sumo wrestler are daily, and an appetite famous sumo wrestler's meal shop to grind scatters at the outskirts of Ryogoku station a lot." [New!]
Anglo-Centricism:
* "If you understand English, press 1. If you do not understand English, press 2." -- From a recording on an Australian information line, which was set up to answer questions about the new Goods and Services Tax plan.
English Text on Food Packaging:
* "Just like feeling a fruit in just season itself." -- From the packaging of a Japanese brand of orange juice.
* "Black coffee has great features which other coffees have never had: Non-sugar." -- From the packaging of a Japanese brand of coffee.
* "Pocari Sweat is highly recommended as a beverage for such activities as sports, physical labor, after a hot bath, and even as a eye-opener in the morning." -- From the packaging of a Japanese beverage called "Pocari Sweat."
* "What are your priorities? Favor? Refreshment? Price? Sparkle? Sapporo Drafty has them all." -- From the packaging of a Japanese beer.
* "This light and smooth taste drink is the best refreshment to you. Anytime, anywhere, just like your friend." -- From the packaging of a Japanese no-name brand of orange juice.
* "Expiration date: 2 years." -- From the packaging of a Chinese brand of medicine.
Fortune Cookies:
* "Your life should be recorded for prosperity."
Product Name Translations:
* "Schweppes Toilet Water." -- "Schweppes Tonic Water," as originally translated into Italian.
* "Manure stick." -- "Mist Stick," a brand of curling iron, in German slang.
* "Micro tender rat." -- "Microsoft Mouse," as translated into Italian on the instruction sheet for a Taiwanese Microsoft-compatible mouse.
Advertising Slogans:
* "Eat your fingers off." -- "Finger lickin' good," as originally translated into Chinese.
* "Are you lactating?" -- "Got milk?" as originally translated into Spanish for advertising in Mexico.
* "Suffer from diarrhea." -- "Turn it loose," as originally translated into Spanish for advertising of Coors.
* "Fly naked." -- "Fly in leather," as originally translated into Spanish for advertising of American Airlines' leather first class seats.
* "I saw the potato." -- "I saw the Pope," as translated into Spanish. The slogan was used on promotional T-Shirts for the Pope's visit to Miami.
* "Nothing sucks like an Electrolux." -- An English slogan used by Scandinavian vacuum manufacturer Electrolux for an American advertising campaign.
From Foreign Menus:
* "Our wines leave you nothing to hope for." -- From a menu in Switzerland.
* "Savour best match of the mysterious sauces." -- From a menu in Japan.
* "Modernly arranged miscellaneous European Flavors." -- From a menu in Japan.
* "Vietnam bird salad, mixed Chimaki and asian corses." -- From a menu in Japan.
* "Seasonal ingredients specially pre-pared and directly imported from their place of origination." -- From a menu in Japan.
* "Cold shredded children and sea blubber in spicy sauce." -- From a menu in China.
* "Jam and Cheese Sandwich." -- From a menu in Costa Rica.
* "Pastry Chef." -- From a menu in Costa Rica.
* "Waffies." -- From a menu in Thailand.
* "Children soup." -- From a menu in India.
* "Deep Fried Fingers of my Lady." -- From a menu in India.
* "Grilled lamp ribs." -- From a menu in Barcelona.
* "Vegitational beef soap." -- From a menu in Brazil.
* "'Boys style' little chickens." -- From a menu in Barcelona.
* "Pork with fresh garbage." -- From a menu in Vietnam.
* "Limpid red beet soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger." -- From a menu in Poland.
* "French fried ships." -- From a menu in Cairo.
* "Fried friendship." -- From a menu in Nepal.
* "Fried fishermen." -- From a menu in Japan.
* "Friend eggs." -- From a menu in Laos.
* "Gordon blue." -- From a menu in a Korean hotel.
* "Cram Chowder." -- From a Chinese buffet in Canada.
* "Rather burnt land slug." -- On a menu in Thailand.
* "Chessburger." -- On a menu in Poland.
* "Hod dok." -- On a menu in Poland.
* "Turkey meat, salad, and sos." -- A creative spelling of "sauce" on a menu in Poland.
* "Roat poik." -- From a menu in a Chinese Restaurant in the United States.
* "Ckicken Velvet and Ckicken Noddle." -- The soups of the day listing, from a menu in a Chinese Restaurant in the United States.
* "Ha Ha Fortune Cookies." -- From a menu in a Chinese Restaurant in the United States.
* "Sweat from the trolley." -- From a menu in Europe.
* "Salad a firm's own make." -- From a menu in Poland.
* "Dreaded veal cutlet with potatoes in cream." -- From a menu in China.
* "Strawberry crap." -- From a menu in Japan.
* "Beef rashers beaten up in the country people's fashion." -- From a menu in Poland.
* "Buttered saucepans and fried hormones." -- From a menu in Japan.
* "Indonesian Nazi Goreng." -- From a menu in Hong Kong.
* "Muscles Of Marines/Lobster Thermos." -- From a menu in Cairo.
* "Toes with butter and jam." -- From a menu in Bali.
* "Teppan Yaki - Before Your Cooked Right Eyes." -- From a menu in Japan.
* "Soon Go Fatt" -- The name of a Chinese Restaurant in Kuala Lumpur.
* "Hamanegs." -- From many menus in Slovakia.
* "Guinea-Pig Breast." -- From a menu in Slovakia.
Learning English
* "Are you finished? No, I'm Swedish." -- From a "Learn English" tape in Finland.
Quotations:
* "Equal goes it loose." -- German President, translating "It will soon begin" into English.
* "I am looking for an realy educated man who can be joke to himself." -- Excerpt from the personal ad of a Russian woman.
* "When a mountain forming granite, lava is what?" -- Question on an exam written by an eastern Indian instructor. [New!]
Movie Titles:
* "This Hit Man Is Not As Cold As He Thought" -- "The Professional" in Hong Kong.
* "Six Stripped Warriors" -- "The Full Monty" in Hong Kong (the title is a Cantonese colloquialism; in Mandrin, it translates to "Six Naked Pigs").
* "Mysterious Murder In Snowy Cream" -- "Fargo" in Hong Kong (in Cantonese, "snowy cream" is pronounced "fah go").
* "Bright Sun, Just Like Me" -- "Good Will Hunting" in Hong Kong.
* "Bright Sun In Heavy Rain" -- "Dead Poets Society" in Hong Kong.
* "The Big Liar" -- "Nixon" in Hong Kong.
* "Don't Ask Me Who I Am" -- "The English Patient" in Hong Kong.
* "Mr. Cat Poop" -- "As Good As It Gets" in Hong Kong.
Advertisement Quotes For Movies Opening In Taiwan:
* "After Air Force One, Harrison Ford is flying a airplane, again!" -- Six Days, Seven Nights
* "The style of characters is phat, special effects are cool, this film is phat and cool." -- Small Soldiers
* "The perfect style with a great taste to save the world." -- The Avengers
.
English Subtitles In Hong Kong Films:
* "I threat you! I challenge you meet me on the roof tonight for a duet!" -- The Iceman Cometh
* "I will kill you until you are dead from it!"
* "Just scold Chang as 'Shame-less a*****e' for three times. Then you will free from this kind of suffer forever." -- The Kung Fu Cult Master
* "You will not happy ending!" -- The Kung Fu Cult Master
* "Master, where are those people of Ming Sect? They seem to be disappeared." -- The Kung Fu Cult Master
* "He started it first!" -- Fong Sai-Yuk II
* "I've to cut partial of my freedom." -- Once Upon a Time In China and America
* "He is jealousing!" -- Dr. Wai and the Scripture Without Words
* "It is destinated to be you!" -- Dr. Wai and the Scripture Without Words
* "The bullets inside are very hot. Why do I feel so cold?" -- Lethal Panther
* "I got knife-scars more than the number of your leg's hair!" -- As Tears Go By
* "I am damn unsatisfied to be killed in this way." -- Holy Weapon
* "Fatty, you with your thick face have hurt my instep." -- Pedicab Driver
* "I'll fire aimlessly if you don't come out!" -- Pom Pom and Hot Hot
* "You are too useless. And now I must beat you."
* "Gun wounds again?" -- Rich and Famous
* "A normal person wouldn't steal pituitaries." -- Brain Theft
* "You always use violence. I should've ordered glutinous rice chicken." -- Pedicab Driver
* "Take my advice, or I'll spank you without pants." -- The Seventh Curse
* "Beware! Your bones are going to be disconnected." -- Saviour of the Soul
* "Who gave you the nerve to get killed here?" -- Armour of God
* "Quiet or I'll blow your throat up." -- On the Run
* "You daring lousy guy." -- Satyr Monks
* "Beat him out of recognizable shape!" -- Police Story 2
* "How can you use my intestines as a gift?" -- The Beheaded 100
* "Damn, I'll burn you into a BBQ chicken!" -- Pedicab Driver
eBay Auction:
The trousers preventing water for baby
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