Apparently Misstated?

To the school nurse:

 "My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him."

 "Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick, and I had her shot."

 "Dear School: Please ekscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33."

 "Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating."

 "Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip."

 "John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face."

 "Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part."

 "Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins."

 "Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side."

 "Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels."

 "Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea, and his boots leak."

 "Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust."

 "Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault."

 "Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday."

 "Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral."

 "My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the Marines."

 "Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well."

 "Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps."

 "Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover."

 "Please excuse Burma, she has been sick and under the doctor."

 "Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache, and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever, and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night."

***

Employment Application Resumes:

* "I am very detail-oreinted."

* "I have a bachelorette degree in computers."

* "Graduated in the top 66% of my class."

* "I worked as a Corporate Lesion."

* "Served as assistant sore manager."

* "Married, eight children. Prefer frequent travel."

* "Objective: To have my skills and ethics challenged on a daily basis."

* "Special skills: Thyping."

* "Special skills: Experienced with numerous office machines and can make great lattes."

* "I can play well with others."

* "I have exhaustive experience in manufacturing."

* "Special skills: I've got a Ph.D. in human feelings."

* "My contributions on product launches were based on dreams that I had."

* "I eat computers for lunch."

* "I have used lots of software appilcations."

* "Objection: To utilize my skills in sales."

* "Experience: Watered, groomed, and fed the family dog for years."

* "Reason for leaving last job: Pushed aside so the vice president's girlfriend could steal my job."

* "Previous experience: Self-employed -- a fiasco."

* "I am a pit bull when it comes to analysis."

* "I am the king of accounts payable reconciliation."

* "Work history: Bum. Abandoned belongings and led nomadic lifestyle."

* "I like slipping and sliding around behind the counter and controlling the temperature of the food."

* "Reason for leaving last job: The owner gave new meaning to the word 'paranoia.' I prefer to elaborate privately."

* "Reason for leaving last job: Bounty hunting was outlaw in my state."

* "My ruthlessness terrorized the competition and can sometimes offend."

* "I love dancing and throwing parties."

* "I am quick at typing, about 25 words per minute."

* "I am a rabid typist."

* "Skills: Operated Pitney Bones machine."

* "Special Skills: Speak English."

* "Strengths: Ability to meet deadlines while maintaining composer."

* "Education: B.A. in Loberal Arts."

* "Work Experience: Dealing with customers' conflicts that arouse."

* "Education: College, August 1880 - May 1984."

* "Experience with: LBM-compatible computers."

* "Fortunately because of stress, worked in the cardiac intensive-care ward."

* "Typing Speed: 756 wpm."

* "Objectives: 10-year goal: Total obliteration of sales and federal income taxes and tax laws."

* "Once focused on an objective, I believe myself to have an undying lust for success with accuracy and effeciency."

* "At one point in time during [john doe's] 28 years on this planet, he was in an automobile accident; which put a few years therapy, some 'rollercoaster' emotional soul journeys, and a wicked job resume, which most employers would frown upon, around his present identity... ten years 'in the running'. However, given the present cash flow, via. The american government, consistency, both physically and emotionally, have been realized and touched upon over the past few years. All in all, my relationship with social security benefits is growing near end in response to my accumulated work history. Hence, I see urgency, closure, some fear, strong desire, and maturity all woven into this expression of me, the employee to you, the employer."

* "Seek challenges that test my mind and body, since the two are usually inseparable."

* "Personal Qualities: Outstanding worker; flexible 24 hours a day, seven days a week, 365 days a year."

* "My experience in horticulture is well-rooted."

* "Work History: Performed brain wave tests, 1879-1981."

* "Extensive background in public accounting. I can also stand on my head!"

* "I perform my job with effortless efficiency, effectiveness, efficacy, and expertise."

* "Personal: Married 20 years; own a home, along with a friendly mortgage company."

* "My intensity and focus are at inordinately high levels, and my ability to complete projects on time is unspeakable."

* "Exposure to German for two years, but many words are inappropriate for business."

* "Frequent Lecturer: Largest Audience: 1,351. Standing Ovations: 5. Number of Audience Questions: 30."

* "Interests: I like to workout in my free time. I enjoy listening to music. I love to shopping in new places."

* "Accomplishments: Completed 11 years of high school."

* "Excellent memory; strong math aptitude; excellent memory; effective management skills; and very good at math."

* "Personal Goal: To hand-build a classic cottage from the ground up using my father-in-law."

Cover Letters:

* "Thank you for your consideration. Hope to hear from you shorty!"

* "Enclosed is a ruff draft of my resume."

* "I saw your ad on the information highway, and I came to a screeching halt."

* "Please disregard the attached resume -- it is terribly out of date."

* "It's best for employers that I not work with people."

* "Insufficient writing skills, thought processes have slowed down some. If I am not one of the best, I will look for another opportunity."

* "If this resume doesn't blow your hat off, then please return it in the enclosed envelope."

* "My fortune cookie said, 'Your next interview will result in a job' -- and I like your company in particular."

* "You hold in your hands the resume of a truly outstanding candidate!"

* "I am sicking and entry-level position."

* "Here are my qualifications for you to overlook."

* "I am a quick leaner, dependable, and motivated."

* "I am relatively intelligent, obedient, and as loyal as a puppy."

* "Note: Keep this resume on top of the stack. Use all the others to heat your house."

* "I don't usually blow my own horn, but in this case, I will go right ahead and do so."

* "I need just enough money to have pizza every night."

* "My compensation should be at least equal to my age."

* "I'm submitting my resume to spite my lack of C++ and HTML experience."

* "My primary goal is to be recognized."

* "Below are the top 10 reasons to hire me."

* "My salary requirement is $34 per year."

* "I'll need $30K to start, full medical, three weeks vacation, stock options and ideally a European sedan."

* "I am superior to anyone else you could hire."

* "I vow to fulfill the goals of the company as long as I live."

* "Although I am seeking an accounting job, the fact that I have no actual experience in accounting may seem discouraging. However..."

* "I realize that my total lack of appropriate experience may concern those considering me for employment."

* "I worked here full-time there."

* "I'll starve without a job but don't feel you have to give me one."

* "You are privileged to receive my resume."

***

Employee performance evaluations.

   1. "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock-bottom and has started to dig."

  2. "I would not allow this employee to breed."

  3. "This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won't be."

  4. "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."

  5. "When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet."

  7. "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."

  8. "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."

  9. "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."

  10. "This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better."

  11. "Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together."

  12. "A gross ignoramus -- 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus."

  13. "He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier."

  14. "I would like to go hunting with him sometime."

  15. "He's been working with glue too much."

  16. "He would argue with a signpost."

  17. "He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room."

  18. "When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell."

  19. "If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's the other one."

  20. "A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on."

  21. "A prime candidate for natural de-selection."

  22. "Donated his brain to science before he was done using it."

  23. "Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming."

  24. "He's got two brains cells, one is lost and the other is out looking for it."

  25. "If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week."

  26. "If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change."

  27. "If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean."

  28. "It's hard to believe he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm."

  29. "One neuron short of a synapse."

  30. "Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled."

  31. "Takes him 2 hours to watch '60-minutes'."

  32. "The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead"

***

Car Accidents:

* "A pedestrian hit me and went under my car."

* "The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention."

* "I had been learning to drive with power steering. I turned the wheel to what I thought was enough and found myself in a different direction going the opposite way."

* "Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have."

* "I thought my window was down; but found it was up when I put my hand through it."

* "No one was to blame for the accident, but it never would have happened if the other driver had been alert."

* "The pedestrian had no idea which direction to go, so I ran over him."

* "I saw the slow-moving, sad-faced old gentleman as he bounced off the hood of my car."

* "I had been driving for 40 years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident."

* "I was taking my canary to the hospital. It got loose in the car and flew out the window. The next thing I saw was his rear end, and there was a crash."

* "I was backing my car out of the driveway in the usual manner when it was struck by the other car in the same place where it had been struck several times before."

* "The indirect cause of this accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth."

* "The accident happened when the right door of a car came around the corner without giving a signal."

* "I was thrown from my car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows."

* "I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection, a hedge sprung up, obscuring my vision."

* "I was on the way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident."

* "I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him."

* "I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat, I found that I had a fractured skull."

* "My wench slipped, losing my balance, and I hurt my back."

* "I was unable to stop in time, and my car crashed into the other vehicle. The driver and passengers then left immediately for a vacation with injuries."

* "To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian."

* "The accident occurred when I was attempting to bring my car out of a skid by steering it into the other vehicle."

* "When I could not avoid a collision, I stepped on the gas and crashed into the other car."

* "I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way."

* "In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole."

* "My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle."

* "As I approached the intersection, a stop sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident."

* "The telephone pole was approaching fast. I was attempting to swerve out of its path when it struck my front end."

* "A truck backed though my windshield and into my wife's face."

* "I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law, and headed over the embankment."

* "The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him."

* "An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my vehicle, and vanished."

Other Accidents:

* "My finger hit the band saw, damaging it."

Insurance Form Anecdotes:

* In France, not very long ago, the forms used for notifying insurers of accident, illness, or pregnancy were based on the same mold. Consequently, expectant mothers were asked, "Was the accident caused by some third party?" Invariably, the answer was, "No, only by my husband."

***

Doctors' Comments On Patient Charts:

* "Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year."

* "On the 2nd day the knee was better and on the 3rd day it disappeared completely."

* "The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1993."

* "Discharge status: Alive but without permission."

* "Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful."

* "The patient refused an autopsy."

* "The patient has no past history of suicides."

* "Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital."

* "Patient's past medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days."

* "Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch."

* "She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night."

* "She is numb from her toes down."

* "While in the ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home."

* "The skin was moist and dry."

* "Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches."

* "Patient was alert and unresponsive."

* "She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce."

* "I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy."

* "The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stockbroker instead."

* "Patient has two teenage children but no other abnormalities."

* "Skin: Somewhat pale but present."

* "Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should sit on the abdomen, and I agree."

* "By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart stopped, and he was feeling better."

* "The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed."

* "When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room."

* "Patient was released to outpatient department without dressing."

* "The patient will need disposition, and therefore we will get Dr. Blank to dispose of him."

* "The patient expired on the floor uneventfully."

Patients' Sign-In Complaints:

* "Diarear."

* "Sore trout."