|Anthony Gimino, sports columnist...
"The theme of the [college football] game will be desperation. It's not like a loss would mean the season is over for either team, but that team would be two steps on the path to nowhere with darkness all around."
|Charles Shulz, cartoonist...
"The only real way to look younger is not to be born so soon."
|Tiger Woods to Charles Barkley...
During a recent round of golf in Las Vegas, Tiger Woods asked Charles Barkley if he had heard about the new Super Kmart store being built in that city. "Where they gonna build it?" Barkley asked. Said Woods, "In the space between your ball and mine."
|Judith Sheindlin "Judge Judy"...
"They don't keep me around here because I'm gorgeous, they keep me around here because I'm smart."
|Judith Sheindlin "Judge Judy" (talking to a defendant)...
"I'm smarter than you are, understand? I'm smarter on my WORST day than you are on your BEST day."
"I really hope life is not just a big joke, because if it is, I don't get it."
|Shaquille O'Neal, on his lack of championships...
"I've won at every level except college and pro."
|Charles Barkley yelling to 300-plus-pound Houston Rockets teammate Stanley Roberts...
"Hey Stanley, you could be a great player if you learned just two words: I'm full."
|Unknown basketball coach about his team...
"We have a team that shoots very well outside. Unfortunately, all of our games are played inside."
|Charlie Just, men's basketball coach at Bellarmine College in Louisville, Kentucky...
"[Our team is] so young, we've decided to
dress only seven players on the road. We're pretty confident the other five can dress themselves."
|From the TV show Law & Order...
"Women want everything in one man. But men want just one thing from every woman."
|Avery Johnson on female NBA referee Violet Palmer...
"Nobody in their right mind
is going to say anything to her because you know the NBA will fine you."
When someone noted that Charles Barkley had already made disparaging
remarks about the female refs, Johnson responded...
"I said nobody in their right mind."
|Charles Barkley on Kevin Garnett's $125 million deal...
"That's a lot of damn money. And a black man is making it. What a great country. Imagine if he could play."
|Rick Majerus on whether or not Keith Van Horn is prepared to play in the NBA...
"Prepared? What does that mean? Hell, I'm prepared to date Cindy Crawford, I just don't have the body or the looks."
Rick Majerus on the lifestyle change Van Horn will face back East...
"New Jersey is completely different from Utah. 'Brother' in Utah and 'brother' in New Jersey are entirely different concepts."
"If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there are men on base."
|Dick Solomon (3rd Rock from the Sun)...
"What's the point of having a democracy if everyone goes around voting wrong?"
|Pete Incaviglia, arguing that baseball players aren't overpaid...
"People think we make $3 million and $4 million a year. They don't realize that most of us only make $500,000."
"If a man standing in a forest says something and there is no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong?"
"Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time."
"My school colors were clear. We used to say, 'I'm not naked, I'm in the band.'"
I have to live with myself, and so
I want to be fit for myself to know;
I want to be able as days go by
Always to look myself straight in the eye;
I don't want to stand with the setting sun
And hate myself for the things I've done.
I don't want to keep on a closet shelf
A lot of secrets about myself,
And fool myself as I come and go
Into thinking that nobody else will know
The kind of a man I really am;
I don't want to dress myself up in sham.
I never can hide myself from me,
I see what others may never see,
I know what others may never know,
I never can fool myself -- and so,
Whatever happens, I want to be
Self-respecting and conscience free.
|Barbara Holland, on being single...
"We keep checking ourselves for signs of disintegration: it's important to stay, at the very least, sane."
|Barbara Holland, on being childless...
"The...thing to remember is that children are temporary. As soon as they develop a sense of humor and get to be good company, maybe even remember to take the trash out and close the refrigerator door, they pack up their electronic equipment and their clothes, and some of your clothes, and leave in a U-Haul, to return only at Thanksgiving. They were just passing through; they were always just passing through, on their way to their own lives. If you get a healthy kitten and take good care of it, it will last you as long as the average child and cost less."
A woman sitting by the pool in Miami saw an attractive man nearby.
She went over and asked, "Why are you so pale? Did you just arrive?"
"I've been in jail," the man replied.
"For what?" she asked.
"Killing my wife," he said.
"That means you're single?"
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