A musical comedyStory by Alex BobbsSong Lyrics by Alex Bobbs and Andrew SeginaInspired by Weird Al Yankovic's "Harvey the Wonder Hamster" and Andrew Lloyd Weber's "Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat".

Copyright Alexander S. Bobbs, 2002

Any similarity to actual persons, living or dead, is completely intentional and meant to mock them in the cruelest ways possible.

Characters:

HARVEY, the wonder hamster

ALAN, the hamster's militaristic followerANDY, the hamster's spiritual thrall

ETHAN, the hamster's creator

LISA, Ethan's faithless daughter

JUSTIN, an eccentric blind billionaire

CASEY, Justin's 11th son, and an aspiring world leader

ERIN/’AARON’, MARTY, and CHAS, other "sons" of Justin, and cohorts in Casey’s megalomaniac schemes

GENE, a former opera house owner, now a circus con-man

JANE, his trusty wife

DESANDRAS, Gene's Elephant

Listener #2: I'm not sure, but I suppose we're waiting for something.

Cynic: All I have to say is: it'd better be good.

Listener #2: We haven't been disappointed yet.

Listener #1: Even so, a sequel? Quite an unusual endeavor if I do say so. But, we shall see.Cynic: We shall see.Listener #2: We shall... Is it a sequel?

Listener #1: Well, the idea is to be a self-standing sequel. In fact if I hadn't told you that it was a sequel you would just think that it was an independent plot with an under-explained backstory.

Listener #2: I see! Much like "A New Hope", the first Star Wars movie?

Listener #1: Yes. The story is complete in itself, but there were events that happened earlier.

Cynic: Won't we be completely in the dark, not knowing what happened before?

Listener #2 (To Listener #1): Well, perhaps you could enlighten us about the earlier work.

Narrator: Welcome, Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome one and all! Come closer, for I have a fantastic story to tell! (picks up the large book) This is the timeless tale of romance, adventure, a weed-whacker and- wait... oops, wrong page. (flips several pages, squints, and then turns the book upside down) This is the obscure story about the passion and dreams of one who had a power unlike any other. This chosen one was to recruit his followers and unite them behind the cause of truth, justice, and all that good stuff. This chosen one was called "Harvey the Wonder Hamster".

Cynic: A hamster?! This story's about a hamster?

Narrator: Actually, you might even say he's a "wonder" hamster.

Cynic: Well, I suppose that helps a bit, but even still, I feel mighty let down! I mean, here we are sitting around hearing about some great "chosen one" and the bloke's not even a person! Why'd you have to build up the tension like that? A hamster can't be great!

Narrator: Well, if you'd just listen to the story-

Cynic: I've heard enough already! What could possibly be so great about a hamster?

Narrator (reading from the book): Oh ye who have faith like a mustard seed-

Cynic: A whatstard seed?

Narrator: May many more be pelted at thee! (Suddenly, stage hands rush on and chase off the cynic by throwing "mustard seeds" at him. The rest of the listeners look horrified.) OK, now that that problem's been taken care of, I trust there will be no more interruptions? (The frightened listeners nod in agreement) Good. (Cue sickeningly cute "story time" music) Anyway... (As he/she narrates, the scenes described are acted out by other players in the background) our story begins many ages ago, several months to be exact, when a cute little hamster with the power to enslave us all and bring about the end of the world as we know it was created by an eccentric scientist named Ethan. (We see Ethan in a lab coat, holding Harvey out)

Ethan: This hamster is named Harvey, and he has phenomenal powers!

Narrator: Right. However, not everyone understood Ethan's fascination with this rodent. His daughter Lisa, for instance-

Ethan: Lisa, I have found the legendary Wonder Hamster. Oh, Harvey, Harvey, Harvey the Wonder Hamster... (continues to sing)

Lisa: (picks up phone) Hello, is this the men in the white coats?

Narrator: The lab that sponsored Ethan's experiment began to doubt Ethan's sanity and thus they took Harvey away from him. (Lab Official takes Harvey away from Ethan) This proved to be a deadly mistake, for Ethan was so desperate to get his wonder hamster back, that he hired two low-life mercenaries to steal Harvey from the lab. (Alan and Andy walk past the Lab Official, bump him, causing him to fall down, and continue on to reveal to Ethan that they grabbed the hamster in the process) Wait, I think we missed what happened. Can we play that back in slow motion? (The scene rewinds, and this time, in exaggerated slow motion, we see that as Alan and Andy pass the official, they beat him up in a ridiculously drawn-out fashion, hold him upside down to shake out his pockets, and then put him down and walk on). There names would go down in history as Alan and Andy. The hamster instantly possessed them with his powers and made them his devout thralls. (Alan and Andy begin bowing down before Harvey) This transformation turned them into crazed megalomaniacs, bent on taking over the world in the name of Harvey, the Wonder hamster. Or at least, that was their excuse.

Alan and Andy: Hey!

Narrator: While Ethan went about his own merry psychotic ways, Alan and Andy took the hamster down into their secret "Harvey Lair" where they plotted their attack against the hamster-hating nations of the world. (Alan holds a globe in his hand menacingly) But forgive me, for this story is best presented in song!

Narrator: Fascinating, ain't it?

Listener #2: So, what happened? Did Ethan convince his daughter that Harvey was really a wonder hamster? Did Alan and Andy turn everyone into mindless slaves of the hamster?

Narrator: Before long, a clone of Harvey, named Hamster Harry, betrayed his brethren and led anti-hamsterite people to the Secret Harvey Lair. (Gene, Jane, and others follow "Harry" and storm in on Alan and Andy. A fight ensues) These close-minded people stormed the Harvey Lair and- Now, you see, up until now, Harvey the Hamster had been running forever on his hamster wheel.

Listener #1: Forever?!

Narrator: Well, he was sort of a special hamster, you know. You see, only as long as Harvey ran on his wheel would his power would be supreme: his psionic grip could not be broken, and his followers would be empowered by his mystical energy. But when the Harvey Lair was invaded, Harvey's thralls were overwhelmed and... (Jane knocks Harvey’s wheel over) the wheel was stopped! (everyone gasps) As the hamster's powers flew out of control, a cataclysmic earthquake destroyed the Harvey Lair completely! (Lights black out over the players, and only the Narrator and his audience are left on stage)

Listener #1: Did anyone survive?

Narrator: The forces that destroyed Harvey managed to escape, successful in their mission.

Listener #2: So Ethan was left continue Harvey's legacy?

Narrator: No. With Harvey no longer on his wheel, the hamster’s grip over Ethan's mind was lost. Ethan couldn't remember a thing!

Listener #2: And the same happened to Alan and Andy?

Narrator: We never found out what happened to them.

Listener #1: Umm... this is just a story right?

Narrator: Did they perish in the quake, or did they somehow escape? The world may never know... may never... may never... know.. know.. may never (and so on)

Alan: Damn it! I told you it needed more WD-40!

Andy: Hang on, maybe it's just a short. (they both examine the back of the robo-narrator)

Narrator (still droning on) : may never... never more... hey... stop that... (slaps one of the Harvey Guys)

Andy: Wait, this is it! Cross the red wire with the green wire, flip the breaker and- (the narrator completely shuts down)

Alan: OK, well, I guess we don't need this device. We can tell our story ourselves!

Andy: Yeah, so, before we go on... can I take any questions from the audience?

Listener #1: I have my suspicions, but just to clarify: who are you guys?

Listener #1: I'm sort of at a loss for words.

Listener #2: I have a question: What happened to Harvey the Hamster?

Andy: Well, after the quake, as we escaped, Harvey- wait a second, what did happen to Harvey?

Alan: You're asking me? I thought you had him! (a look of sudden realization crosses their faces)

Andy: So, does this mean Harvey's gone?

Alan: Presumably.

Andy: No! Oh Harvey, I've failed you! I've failed the one hamster I ever truly cared about!

Alan: Are you sure you don't have Harvey?

Andy: It's hopeless now! It's a lost cause! And yet... I sense something... Harvey lives, I know it.

Listener #1: Well, taking the assumption that the story is true in all its parts (perhaps not an overly bold assumption, given recent occurrences), how could Harvey maintain control over you guys if he died? He must be alive!

Listener #2: Logically.

Andy: Harvey is alive and about, and about to return alive, I say!

Alan: You don't say...

Andy: I do!

Alan: You did.

Both: Exactly.

Alan: Or maybe, Harvey never went very far to begin with. (He turns the narrator back on)

Andy: How'd you do that?

Alan: Reset Button. Come on, boot up...

Narrator: Improper shutdown detected. Running unnecessary and useless scanning protocol.

Alan: Skip it. Computer, show us what happened after the Harvey Lair was destroyed. (In the background, the scene plays. Gene and Jane have just escaped the Harvey Lair)

Gene: Well, I think we've seen the last of those "Harvey Guys".

Jane: Look, I found a hamster. It must be Harvey's clone, Hamster Harry, the one who helped us! (She picks up Harry The Hamster) There is no way that this could actually be the evil hamster we were trying to destroy. (Gene nods)

Gene: Let's check the rubble, maybe we can find something worth salvaging.

Alan: OK, pause right there. (He walks into the scene as everyone freezes) Just as I suspected, Harvey did survive, but everyone mistook him for his traitorous clone Harry!

Andy: How do you know that hamster's really Harvey?

Alan: OK, first of all, it has Harvey's eyes. Second, it has the exact same color pattern.

Listener #1: But Harvey and Harry are clones so they look exactly alike.

Alan and Andy: Quiet you.

Listener #1: Sorry.

Andy: If Harvey is out and about, then we must find out about the recent whereabouts of Harvey. Out.

Alan: Who knows what happened to the surviving hamster after our latest defeat?

Andy: And who would be willing to tell us?

Listener #2: Wouldn't Ethan, the hamster’s creator, know where Harvey is?

Andy: Of course!

Alan: Exemplary intuition, citizen!

Andy: Perhaps it is time to pay our old friend Ethan a visit. Alas, he has forgotten the glory of the hamster-

Alan: -but I think we can be "persuasive" in getting him to cooperate. Yes. (Alan straps on his trenchcoat and sunglasses and grabs his gun. Andy straps on his bathrobe and puts on fuzzy slippers) Let's go drop in on him... (sinister laughter as they lurk away)

Listener #1: Are you sure we should be helping those guys?

Listener #2: No, but we're only in this scene, so what do we care? (long pause)

Listener #1: So, why were we here, anyway?

Ethan: Hello. Did you-

Lisa: Yes, actually, I got three.

Ethan: Three? That's great!

Lisa: Yep, and they look great on me. (She signals a stage hand who comes in carrying a large stack of garment boxes; he puts down the boxes and leaves)

Ethan: Oh. That wasn't what I was going to ask about.

Lisa: No luck with the job search yet.

Ethan: Really? But with your singing talent, you must be able to find something.

Lisa: Yeah, you think someone would've called me by now.

Ethan: I see.

Lisa: I swear, some people couldn't smell greatness if it were within 10 miles of them.

Ethan: I don't associate "greatness" with scents, generally speaking, but have you tried actually going and auditioning for-

Lisa: Oh, I'll find something, don't you worry. I just need something with hours that work for me. Is it that unreasonable to want to be home by 10?

Ethan: In the morning? Possibly.

Lisa: It just doesn't work, but some day- (There is a knock at the door)

Ethan (ominously, with a wink to the audience): Now who could that be??

Pizza Man (in disguised accent) : Pizza! (Ethan opens the door)

Ethan: We didn't order any pizza.

Pizza Man: Well, then, why'd you open the door? I could've been some psycho axe-murderer for all you knew.

Ethan: The thought didn't occur to me.

Pizza Man: Well, next time, be careful who you open the door for. You never know who could be lurking about. (he leaves)

Ethan: Such a strange visit. So anyway, I've been working on a new project involving hamsters-

Lisa: Oh please, not another project with hamsters! Don't you remember what happened last time?

Ethan: Honestly, no. My memory's a bit fuzzy.

Lisa: You don't remember "Harvey" at all? Your creation? You know, that hamster who possessed you and made you worship it? Not to mention those strange thugs, the so-called "Harvey Guys". What were their names again?

Ethan (reflecting, as Lisa goes on): Harvey... what an odd name. Yet, it is so oddly familiar. Odd. (There is a knock at the door) Hmmm... I'm not expecting anyone at this time. (Lisa, being closer to the door, opens it. Men in white coats are waiting)

Men in White Coats: Excuse us! (The Men in White Coats dash past Lisa, then past the astonished Ethan, and grab Luigi (the asylum keeper from Hamster of the Opera), who has been hiding behind some furniture the entire time)

Luigi: It's true! The hamsters got me! The hamsters! They're coming! Get away Ethan, they’ve come back for you! (The men in white coats drag him out the door)

Lisa: Well, I wasn't expecting that at all. (One of the Harvey Guys appears in the window, but ducks away when Lisa looks)

Ethan: Did you see that?!

Lisa: What?

Ethan: That article in Science Today. They've made some very impressive advances in the field of- (suddenly, there is a loud knocking on the door, then the door flys open and the Cynic from Scene 1 runs in, still being chased by stage hands pelting him with mustard seeds)

Cynic: I take it back! The Hamster rules! Ow! Stop it!

Lisa: Is it just me or is there some obnoxious foreshadowing about hamsters going on today?

Ethan: I hope they aren't trashing the kitchen. I just had it redecorated! (He chases after them; meanwhile, Lisa picks up the daily paper)

Lisa: Hmmm... (Ethan comes back, sending the stage hands and cynic out the front door) Listen to this. Justin Fredd, the kingpin of the snow-cone industry, announces that he has placed a large reward for return of his twelfth son, who disappeared without a trace 5 years ago. Mr. Fredd entered the business scene as the first self-made blind billionaire in... blah blah blah... I think I see a window of opportunity!

Ethan: You're going to find his lost son and claim the reward?

Lisa: No, I'll tell him that I am his lost son.

Ethan: What?!

Lisa: It's perfect! I'll pass myself off as his twelfth son, and he'll take me in! I'll be living in the lap of luxury and never have to work again!

Ethan: I must say that I am mildly offended. I won't stop you, but I really don't like the idea of you pulling such a ridiculous and implausible scheme. I mean, it's just silly.

Lisa: Silly? What about you and your hamsters?

Ethan: I don’t know what you’re talking about. There is nothing silly about hamsters. (A door bell rings) This has been a most peculiar evening.Lisa: You mean all these random people coming to visit us?Ethan: I was thinking more along the lines that… we don't have a doorbell. (There is a knock) That's better. (He opens the door to reveal some random guy!)

Random Guy: Hi. I'm not the Harvey Guys. (He walks off, Ethan shrugs and closes the door and the lights go down, as if the scene is over. Then the lights come back on with someone pounding hard on the door)

Ethan: Well, now, who-

Lisa: They sure want to come in badly. (Lisa opens the door, to reveal a Girl Scout standing there)

Girl Scout: Hi, I'm from Brownie Unit 11911, and I'm selling cookies. Would you like to try one?

Lisa: I don't have to buy a box if I try one, do I?

Girl: No, but you’ll feel like a jerk if you don’t buy any.

Lisa: Well, in that case- (she takes a bite out of the cookie, and then collapses on the floor) Oh, I feel so sleepy all of a sudden. Maybe if just lie down for a bit… (Alan enters)

Alan (to girl scout): Good Job. Here's your dollar. (The girl scout leaves, and Andy enters, carrying a box of Girl Scout Cookies and eating them).

Andy: Is she OK?

Alan: She’ll be fine by the next scene.

Ethan: You!- seem vaguely familiar...

Butler: Mr. Fredd, a young person is here to see you.

Justin: Well, show'm in! (Lisa enters)

Lisa (in the best macho male voice she can manage): Hi Dad.

Justin: Huh? Who is that?

Lisa: It's me, your son! (She checks to make sure her fingers are crossed)

Justin(not sure he heard right): Who? What's your name, son?

Lisa: Lyon. Lisa Lyon. Pleased to- (She realizes her mistake) Damn!

Justin: Lisa? Hmm... I don't remember knowing anyone named Lisa Lyon.

Lisa: Umm... I changed my name.

Justin: What did you change it to, Lisa?

Lisa: I changed it to Lisa.

Justin: So you changed your name from Lisa to Lisa? That doesn't make any sense, eh?

Lisa: No, that's not what I meant. Let me set this straight. See I am actually-

Justin: Are you trying to play crooked with me? Who are you? Stop changing your mind!

Lisa: OK, my name now is Lisa. I had it legally changed some time ago to Lisa. Before, my name was... um... (She starts sounding out things to see his reaction) Rosalyn?

Together: No.

Justin: Well, I think I've heard enough. You head on your way, whoever you are, Lisa, and-

Lisa: JUST LISTEN! I... am your long-lost twelfth son.

Justin: My- My twelfth son? My long-lost twelfth son? Sakes Alive! You don't say… And you changed your name to Lisa? My, that's an odd name for a twelfth son.

Lisa: Business purposes. See, I'm an entertainer.

Justin: I shoulda guessed you'd enter politics eventually. Welcome back, son! (opens his arms to give Lisa a hug... Lisa panics for a moment and then starts coughing violently) My goodness, would you like some water?

Lisa: Yeah. My throat's kinda dry.

Justin: Well, come in, come this way. You know, I've searched the world over for you. There was a long time when I thought I’d be stuck with only 11 sons. I almost gave up, but I knew you were out there somewhere, maybe anywhere. You boys could survive out on your own if ya had to. Your brothers-

Lisa: My brothers? I have-

Justin: Of course. Your 11 brothers!

Lisa: Oh. Right. 11 sons, so I have-

Erin: Who is this?

Justin: Aaron, meet you long-lost brother, Lisa!

Erin: Umm... hello Lisa.

Justin (whispering to Erin): He changed his name. (to both) Well, I'm sure you two boys have a lot to catch up on. I'll be along in a while. (exit)

Lisa: Dare I ask?

Erin: I can't make that choice for you.

Lisa: Are the other 10 "sons" girls too?

Casey: Hey, we got- (squinting) We got more ladies in the household!

Erin: Yep, babe, and this one calls herself "Lisa".

Casey: "Lisa", eh? I like it. OK, I’ve got a lot of people scheduled to meet with me about Operation Breakneck, so you two broads need to entertain them, and make sure no one leaves. Same drill as usual.

Erin: Will do.

Lisa: Wait a minute, you just do whatever this guy tells you to do?

Casey: Yes, and so will you as long as you're here.

Lisa: Who are you?

Casey: I'm Casey, and I run things around here.

Erin: Casey's a very important man. You should treat him with respect.

Lisa: Looks like he's just some loser still living with his parents. (Suddenly a horrible realization comes over her)

Marty: Upon introspection, it may become palpable to you that, contrary to your inaugural tenets, you are no phenomenal champion of prosperity by general societal standards. Ergo, be conscientious in your judgements.

Lisa: Huh? Who?

Marty: My formal designation is Mortifer Terinopolous Fredd, though I shall license you to accost my person by the short-hand monogram, "Marty". I am recurrently alluded to as the resident academician in this domicile.

Lisa: Are you a walking thesaurus?!

Erin: Just call him Marty.

Marty: My, your sagacity does affect me, as I would not have conjectured that you could have contrived such an antiphon.

Lisa: Right, antiphon... (trying to break conversation with him) I think it's in the bathroom. This is the beginning of an interesting crew...

Casey: Marty manages our research.

Lisa: I see.

Marty: So, if you will condone my curiosity, for what impetus have you come?

Erin (beating Lisa to the punch): Why are you here?

Lisa: Umm.. for the same reason you're here, I guess.

Marty (slightly skeptical but interested) : Really?

Erin: I never would have guessed. So you've come to join our new world order?

Lisa: What?

Casey: Toots, you're looking at the future emperor of the world.

Lisa: Oh cripes, please don't tell me that you guys are planning to take over the world too!

Marty: The illusion that is the commonality would have you presume this can't be consummated, and that, en totalle, is the enigma of conquest.

Chas: Yeah, we're gonna kick some butt.

Casey: And all the world will bow to me, Casey! (he unveils a model of his future palace)

Lisa: And what do you guys get out of it?

Chas: I get to kick everyone's butts.

Marty: I shall acquire Litchenstein! Surely you would like to accompany me?

Lisa: Litchzershirewhat?

Justin: Have you boys seen my dentures? (They all quickly put the model of Casey's palace away and shake their heads innocently) Well, anyway, I hope you've gotten a chance to get reacquainted with your youngest brother.

Casey: Youngest brother?

Justin: That's right. Your youngest brother.

Casey: But I'm the youngest brother.

Justin: Silly boy, you can't be your own brother.

Marty: Vacuously true.

Casey: Erin, I'm confused!

Erin: My fault, I should have mentioned this before. Lisa is Justin's, I mean, Dad's long-lost twelfth son. (She realizes the implications of this) Oh…

Justin: Not lost anymore!

Casey: No, no! There is some mistake here.

Justin: Surely you recognize your own brother?

Casey: Dad! This isn't your son! She's- Wait, is she? (he needs a closer look)

Erin: You should really put on your glasses.

Justin (swinging his cane and accidentally whacking Casey on the head): Now, you listen here Casey! How can you be angry at a time like this? This is a time for happiness!

Erin: Here, Daddy, maybe you should rest.

Justin: Maybe so, but still, I want you all to be nice to my youngest son, you here me? (he walks off muttering)

Lisa: What was that all about?

Erin: With you as the youngest son in residence, Casey becomes-

Marty: -disinherited. And thus, the fortune we hoped to inherit and use to take over the world now belongs to you. (pause) I don't imagine you might be interested in applying Father's lucrative fortune toward a conquest of at least Litchenstein. It'd make a lovely summer home for us.

Casey: Hey! Hey! I'm the boss here! I'm the boss! Poor me! (he starts weeping for himself; Erin comforts him, while Marty looks thoughtful and the other brothers begin talking)

Chas (to Lisa) : You shouldn't have come here.

Alan: You'll understand soon enough. First, you gotta get us past the guard.

Ethan: I'm not allowed to bring visitors into the labs

Alan: Well, we're going to have to sneak in somehow.

Andy (incomprehensibly, with his mouth full): You know, I don't think the guard will notice-

Alan (Snatching the cookies away) : Swallow! I told you to stop snacking on these.

Andy: Aw... but they're pure minty goodness!

Ethan: I agree, they're really quite scrumptious (snatching the box from Alan and taking several cookies out).

Andy: Hey, don't hog them all! (He trys to grab the box from Ethan, who resists)

Ethan: Mine! Or I will help you not! (They wrestle, then fall on the floor and roll around; A scientist approaches the entrance of the labs, so Alan quickly backs up and whistles innocently. The scientist walks past, stepping over Ethan and Andy, and shows his card to the guard)

Guard: Working hard, Dr.?

Scientist: Hardly working! (The guard and the scientist laugh hysterically as if they've heard the funniest joke in the world; the guard falls off his chair and the scientist drops his books and papers downstage. As the scientist bends down to gather his stuff, Alan quickly sees his chance(with the guard unseen behind his desk and the scientist turned around) and runs in stealthily. The guard gets up just as Alan screeches to a halt and drops out of view (of the guard) in front of the desk)

Guard: Need some help there? (He starts coming around the left side of the desk, so Alan slips around the right side. The guard starts helping the scientist pick up his papers, while Alan signals Andy's attention)

Andy: What?

Alan (Very faint, with exaggerated lip movements and hand motions): Hide in Ethan's coat.

Andy: You want me to swim the moat? (Alan puts his hand to his ear, signaling a game of charades) Oh good, I love charades! Sounds like- (Alan motions "wide" by moving his hands out from his body) Fat.

Ethan: Obese.

Andy: Portly.

Ethan: Stout.

Andy: You're a little tea-pot? (Alan slaps his face) Hit.

Ethan: Slap. Frustration? (Alan shakes his head and redoes the "wide" motion.)

Andy: You're frustrated about being overweight. You're-

Ethan: Wide! (Alan nods in approval) Sounds like wide!

Andy: Side!

Ethan: Guide!

Andy: Tried!

Guard: Ride.

Andy: Jeckel and Hyde!

Ethan: Hide! (Alan nods enthusiastically) He wants you to hide!

Andy: You're good at this. Do another one, Alan. (The guard and the scientist have finished sorting out the papers)

Guard : Jeez you've got a lot of papers, Dr.

Scientist: Yes, but I'm onto something big big big!

Guard: Well, hope it goes well (he heads to his desk on the side Alan is hiding behind(the right side), who frantically crawls behind the desk and pops out the left side) Hey! (turning suddenly to where Alan is hiding; Alan moves completely to the back side of the desk (where the guard's chair is) to be unseen by the audience) Is this your pen? (Alan begins slipping out on the right side of the desk)

Scientist: Why, thank you! Yes it is. Well, I'm off to work. (He walks by, so Alan ducks back behind the desk, but the guard is moving to sit down)

Ethan: Hide... hide! Of course, hide under my coat! (Andy hides under Ethan's coat and walks behind him)

Guard: Good morning Dr. Lyon.

Ethan: Good morning Steve.

Guard: Didn't know you were working today.

Ethan: Well, I've got- (Andy sneezes) to set up some ... things (Andy sneezes again) for an experiment (the guard starts rising out of his chair) well, must get going! See you! (he starts heading away, leaving Andy confused and crouched in front of the guard desk)

Guard: Wait! (he follows Ethan, not seeing Andy in front of the desk. Alan pops up behind the desk, looks around, and shrugs. How did he not get caught?)

Ethan: Hee hee, what's the problem?

Guard: I'll tell you what the problem is. The coffee machine in the employee lounge has been broken (Alan and Andy communicate quietly and decide to conk out the guard with the hilt of Alan's pistol) for some time and I hear you're pretty mechanically inclined (Alan and Andy sneak up on the guard) so, you know, if you have the time I was wondering if you might be able to do us all a favor and take a look at it some time. I mean, if you have the time- (he whirls around and catches Alan and Andy about to hit him over the head; they freeze) What the-? (Ethan does a "sleeper hold" the guard falls unconscious)

Ethan: I still want to know what this is all about!

Alan: I think we can trust him. (Alan drags the guard over to the desk, props him up on the chair, and puts the newspaper over him)

Andy: Well, where to begin? You see, we kidnapped you because we're looking for a hamster.

Ethan: Yes, yes, you mentioned that you wanted a hamster. Is that all?

Andy: It's kinda special to us. You might even call him a "wonder" hamster. He was created by you, actually, and since then he's become a very important part of us.

Ethan: But, what could be so great about one hamster?

Andy: Well, for starters, he never bites, and never squeals, and just-

Ethan: runs on his hamster wheel?

Andy: That would be him.

Ethan: I'm starting to remember. A hamster. A hamster so beautiful. It ran upon its wheel... forever! His name was Mordekein-

Andy: (correcting him quickly) Harvey.

Ethan: Harvey, right. And when I sang his song of praise I felt so happy.

Alan: Of course, the song!

Andy: The sacred song!

Alan: The song that takes over unsuspecting minds and binds them to the order of the hamster! (he winks to the audience)

Ethan: The song... I believe it went: Harvey (Alan and Andy join in) Harvey, Harvey the Wonder Hamster, He never bites he never squeals, he just runs on his hamster wheel. (there is a long silence, then suddenly, Ethan jumps up) Whee hee! Yes! I remember now! Thank you, thank you! I had lost my faith in the hamster, but you have led me back to the path of righteousness! Harvey, Harvey, Harvey the Wonder Hamster, he never bites, he never squeals, he just runs on his hamster wheel. He's great.

Andy: But, where is Harvey?

Ethan: I don't remember that.

Alan: Better question: where is Harry?

Ethan: Harry, Harvey, ah, now I see! A clever switch! (He dashes into his lab and comes back with a hamster cage) Here is your beloved hamster. Look, he runs even faster upon his wheel!

Andy: Actually, he's just sniffing it. OK, now he's running on it. No, wait, he stopped again. Why won't you run on your wheel! Are you too good for your wheel?!

Ethan: Silence. He has evolved. He know longer relies on a physical wheel, but is developing "the wheel within".

Alan and Andy: Ah... (Suddenly, the cynic from scene one runs by again, still pursued by stage hands)

Alan: (breaking from the play for a moment) What the hell? It's not even that funny!

Ethan: So, what do we do now?

Alan: I believe we go back to taking over the world.

Andy: To bring all to the spiritual wonderness of Harvey!

Ethan: And achieve inner peace! But- it wouldn't be the same without my daughter Lisa here to jeer at us and tell us how stupid we are. (The Harvey Guys agree)

Alan: What happened to Lisa?

Ethan: Bah! She moved in with some better, richer father. Mr. Fredd was his name, I believe. (Harvey chirps)

Alan: Yikes. Was that a squeal?

Ethan: No, it was distinctly a "chirp".

Alan: Like a bird? That's a relief.

Andy: What's that, boy? Lisa's stuck in a well? Oh, that's the next scene.

Ethan: What's he saying?

Alan: Probably that hamsters can't talk.

Andy: He says that Lisa's in trouble. She's just disinherited an up-and-coming megalomaniac.

Alan: How dare she!

Andy: Umm... it's not one of us. Harvey says that someone in the estate that she just moved into is planning to take over the world for his own selfish means. Completely unlike our noble quest for domination.

Alan: Uh oh. Competition. Not good.

Ethan: I'm amazed at what this little rodent knows. You wouldn't think he'd get out much sitting in a lab all day.

Andy: Well, he is a wonder hamster, you know.

Alan: Wait. Lisa knows the secrets of Harvey and the extent of his powers.

Ethan: Vaguely.

Alan: And she knows the sacred song?

Ethan: Of course. I taught it to her. She thought it was very annoying.

Alan: Do you realize what this means?

Andy: Oh no, you're right!

Alan: If she talks, we're toast! This dirty rival of ours will know our secrets, unless he kills her first.

Ethan: Please, get Lisa back!

Alan: Oh don't worry, we will! But how?

Andy (to Alan): You and I need to sneak into that estate and pull her out. And we should bring Harvey with us for support.

Alan: One complication: I don’t think Lisa likes us very much, or Harvey for that matter, and she may scare if she sees us before we can explain. We’ll need convincing disguises for the two of us so that no one, not even Lisa, suspects a thing.

Ethan: Aye, and I’ll sneak in Harvey incognito.

Alan: A disguise for a hamster?

Andy: Would it be Harvey's style to go in disguise? Is that the way?

Alan: Well, what I'm wondering is, how are we going to pull this disguise off? What are we going to do, put a fake mustache and glasses on it? And then Lisa will see it and say, "Oh, that can't be the hamster Dad created. That hamster didn't have a fake mustache and glasses!"

Ethan: No, no, no! You will see what I have in mind. Quick! To the Hamster Lab!

Andy: We're already there.

Ethan: Right.

Lisa (entering with Casey and the other brothers following) : Really? How nice! What is it?

Justin: Why don't you open it, eh?

Casey: Did you get something for me too?

Justin: No.

Casey: Ahh...

Alan (off stage) : No present?! What did this mean?

Andy: Was this the end of Casey's time? Had he been abandoned for a younger, newer model?

Casey: What the-? (squinting) Who is that?

Erin (holding out his glasses) : If you'd-

Casey: I don't need those!

Alan: Hello. Pay no attention to us. Go about your regularly scheduled lives.

Andy: Yeah, we're just the Geek Chorus.

Alan: Greek Chorus. A very proud and ancient tradition dating back to the days of yore.

Andy: We're here to narrate your lives. Alan: And explain the overarching context that you live them in, with deep social commentary.

Everyone but Lisa: Oh. OK. That's cool.

Alan (aside, to Andy): Are you sure this will work?

Andy: Absolutely! And in case we run out of narration, I brought some extra material. (he indicates a pouch he's been carrying) And so... (Andy cues the pianist)

Justin: Well, I'm glad you like him. You boys have fun, eh?

Alan: Lisa! Psst! Lisa! You need to get out of here. (he is pulled away from her by Marty)

Marty: I do say, a Greek chorus! Who'd have surmised? What a fine homage to true theatrical traditions.

Alan: That's great. Look, I don't have time for this.

Lisa: Ha ha Casey, Daddy loves me best!

Casey: Does not!

Lisa: Does too!

Casey: Does not a million more times than you can say "does not".

Lisa: I'm not saying "does not", you are.

Casey: Am not!

Lisa: Am too!

Casey: Am not!

Lisa: OK, I guess you are.

Casey: See! Wait a second...

Lisa: Umm... what dreams? I just got here. I haven't been telling any dreams.

Andy: I will potray Lisa in this next scene.

Alan (in Austrian accent): And I will be her doctor.

Marty: Ah ha! A re-enactment of events now past. This shall elucidate the crucial capacity of the dreams in our human drama.

Brothers: Ah…

Lisa: But this never happened! They’re narrating things that never-

Casey: That's it! The Hamster has to go! The song said so!

Erin: Go where?

Casey: I don't care!

Marty: The portent of a clueful master.

Erin (spoken): There's no well over there. (The stage hands come in, and set up a "well" setpiece)

Lisa (spoken): All right. (pushing the Harvey Guys aside) I'm taking control here. (Harvey chirps happily)

Andy: Look, Harvey is lending Lisa his awesome power!

Erin: Wait a minute. We're not allowed to fight like that. (They switch to cat-fighting mode and claw at each other for a few seconds before Lisa decks her. She then faces Marty)

Marty: I fail to see the point. Let's just suppose you prevail. Here, I'll even retreat. (He leaves nonchalantly)

Casey: Hey guys, where ya going? Where are you?

Casey: You know what? You guys are no help at all!

Lisa: Ha! Girl Power! (Lisa turns around and stumbles into a well)

Casey: Wait, she fell into a well? Hey guys, I just kicked Lisa's butt! (Casey's gang gather around to hear Casey's tale)

Gene: Make way! Make way! The Barney and Baliff Circus is coming through! (Casey's audience deserts him as Gene and Jane enter in circus outfits, while circus preformers dance around. This can be dragged out to accommodate the rushed make-up job in progress.)

Casey: Hey guys, where ya going? And what are those people doing in our yard?

Gene: Come one, come all, to see the cheapest show on earth! For just a quarter, you can see the hilarious antics of Jane the Clown, DeSandres the Elephant, and ....er... many more! In town today and possibly tommorow!

Gene: Come, kids, and, oh my word! What is that thing coming out of the well?

Casey: It's your newest side show attraction, Mr. Circus Dude.

(spoken) As this is the last living Sasquatch, I think five hundred dollars would be a very reasonable price.

Jane: We only have one!

Casey: Sold! You lucky people!

Andy: Wow, that was fun.

Alan: Yeah, I love leading all those musical numbers.

Andy (singing): I dreamed I saw...

Alan: Wait a minute. Wasn't there something we were supposed to be doing here besides singing songs about Lisa?

Andy: Good point. What other songs do we know? How bout that song about restaurants in Santa Fe? We should sing that song, even if it has absolutely nothing to do with the plot. Or that song about how many minutes there are in a year.

Alan: Oh nuts. We were supposed to retrieve Lisa!

Andy: Oh. I guess we kinda screwed that part up. But all those songs were so much fun! (singing) Oh, we're gonna start a restaurant in-

Alan: Can we stay on topic? We weren't talking about a restaurant in Santa Fe. We never were! We've got to get Lisa back! That was the whole point of this entire act!

Casey: Umm... Aren't you guys supposed to be narrating my story?

Alan: Yeah whatever, "story boy". Why don't you go tell your stories someplace else?

Casey: Erin! The Greek chorus is being mean to me!

Alan: We better follow those circus guys. Let's go! (They grab Harvey and run off stage)

Marty: I'm beginning to oppugn the validity of their claim to being an authentic Greek chorus, despite their exceptional musical talents. My suspicions may be off-track, however…

Erin: Don't bank it. One of them dropped his wallet.

Casey: Let me see that! Wait a minute, they're not the Greek chorus! They're members of- of- (Erin holds out his glasses) Oh. All right. (he looks around to make sure no one besides his closest cohorts are around, then puts them on) Woah! They're trying to trick me. They're trying to take over the world before I do! (he immediately takes off his glasses and shoves them in Erin's hands)

Marty: You deduce all that from credit cards, a drivers license, and perhaps some likenesses of domestic animals or significant others?

Erin: And an official "Harvey Club" membership card, complete with manifesto. (peruses the card) If I didn't know better I'd say they worship a hamster named Harvey.

Casey: A hamster?

Marty: The pieces are falling into place. A Greek chorus arrives, a hamster materializes, and abruptly Lisa has the capacity to overwhelm you all.

Chas (climbing back on stage): That hamster is their source of power! Let's kick its butt!

Casey: Well, we know their secret now! We shall capture the hamster, and bring about his demise, and thus, the demise of all who would oppose us! (They all laugh evilly, when the lights go out) Hey, who turned out the lights!

Erin: Eek! (slaps someone)

Chas: Ow. It wasn't me!

Ethan: Excellent. By broadcasting Harvey's sacred song, I have begun to capture the minds of prominent world leaders. Listen!

Prime Minister of England(on radio): Harvey, Harvey, Harvey the wonder Hamster...

Ethan: That's the prime minister of England! He's now under Harvey's control! (Alan and Andy seem unimpressed)

Alan: OK, great. Did you capture any other countries?

Ethan: Oh yes! I did I mention we also have control over Litchenstein?

Andy: Litchenstein?! All right! (He high-fives Alan)

Ethan: Now, if my memory serves me correctly, you two were supposed to retrieve Lisa from that dreaded rival of yours. Casey was his name?

Alan: Um... yeah.

Andy: I guess you could say that.

Ethan: You failed, didn't you?

Andy: I guess you could say that too.

Alan: We were a bit distracted.

Andy (singing): Oh we're gonna build a restaurant in Santa-

Alan and Ethan: STOP THAT!!!

Andy: OK, I get the point.

Ethan: What happened to Lisa? Is she still with that dreadful Casey?

Alan: Well, the good news is: no.

Ethan: And the bad news?

Alan: No.

Ethan: Let me guess, she was sold to a circus con-man.

Andy: He's good.

Ethan: Did you follow these circus folk?

Alan: Funny you should ask. They were actually some old "friends" of ours: Gene and Jane, former opera managers.

Ethan: OK, so what went wrong?

Alan: We’re getting there. See, we didn’t get her because there was this incident-

Andy: -involving an elephant! It was crazy, man!

Ethan: Andy, let Alan tell me what actually happened.

Alan: No, he’s right. Let me explain about the elephant.

Lisa: Hey, you stupid elephant, that's my shoe!

Gene: Here, officers! This wretched girl tried to poison our elephant with an ice cream cone.

Lisa: I'm innocent! It was a shoe!

Lisa: I want my shoe back!

Ethan: That doesn't sound good at all.

Andy: Hey, you don't need to rub it in.

Lisa: And so, having informed Ethan of the plight of his daughter, the beautiful and charming Lisa (that's me) the Harvey Guys begin to ponder their current situation. Suddenly, Alan had an epiphany.

Alan: Hey, I just had an epiphany! Why is Lisa narrating for us?

Lisa: I'm sorry, Ladies and Gentlemen. That was not the correct epiphany.

Alan: Lisa, you're supposed to be in jail, you can't narrate us!

Andy: It's like she's trying to control us or something.

Lisa: Oh, I see how it is. You men can narrate the stories of women, but suddenly the tables are turned and we're "controlling" you.

Ethan: No one said they weren't controlling you.

Alan (walking over to Lisa's side of the stage): It's just that it doesn't make sense. I mean, we're narrating your life because we're telling a story to Ethan, but you-

Lisa: Hey, get back on your side.

Alan: Oops.

Lisa: Well, maybe I'm telling the story to my friends, that is, if I had any friends-in jail. But if I did have friends who just happened to be in jail, they might just so happen to want to know all about you guys, and ... I might just happen to know all about you guys.

Alan: Well, on this side of the stage we believe in consistent storylines, foo.

Lisa: Consistent storylines?! You with him and him and your hamster and all your nonsense and you want consistent storylines?! (mockingly) Oh look, I'm the Plot Fairy, here to make everything consistent and... oh well, I'll think up something witty later.

Alan: I think you're just bitter.

Lisa: I think I'm just better.

Ethan: She always did have the tendency to mistake herself for God.

Lisa: I am! I mean... that came out wrong.

Alan: And so, the police dragged Lisa to jail on charges of animal abuse. (Police enter, again)

Lisa: (mumbled) And they wonder why I'm bitter. (shouted out) And so, the Harvey Guys' scheme was suddenly foiled by... by.... Casey! (She is dragged off-stage) Ow! Let go!

Ethan: I think we've been a bit hard on Lisa this time. She really does try.

Casey: Surprise! (Casey's men bust in)

Alan: Oh, crud.

Casey: You left your wallet at my house. (He holds out the wallet, while Alan quickly hides Harvey under the table)

Andy: Oh. Thanks (He reaches out to grab it, but Casey retracts his arm).

Ethan(to Andy): You do have to give her credit for consistent storylines, though.

Casey: So, this is the secret lair of the Harvey Guys.

Alan: How did you know- I mean, what Harvey Guys? I've never seen these two before in my life.

Ethan: Me neither. I've never been so insulted!

Andy: I don't suppose you are one of the Harvey Guys.

Casey: Umm... Erin! They're confusing me!

Erin: We're in the right place.

Casey: Oh. Good. Well, now, I can't have you guys interfering with my plans to take over the world.

Alan: You have plans to take over the world? I don't believe you.

Casey: I do!

Alan: But it's impossible to take over the world.

Marty: That is why you failed.

Alan: Really? Then how? How can it be done? Tell me how you plan to take over the world.

Casey: Chas, tell them the plan.

Chas: Tell them our plan? Is that a good idea? They're the enemy, we're supposed to kick their butts!

Erin: You know what they say about giving a mouse a cookie.

Andy: Wait, you guys have cookies? I want a cookie.

Marty: Ahem. I presume the time is opportune for me to remind you of the proverbs encountered in our eminent tome.

Everyone: Huh?

Marty (Holding out a book): The Big Book of Evil Overlording and Terrorist Protocol, by Richard Scarry. Surely you remember the rules.

Casey: Of course I do. I was just getting to that. (He takes the book from Marty) Let's see now. Nectarine with Sausages?

Chas: That's "negotiating with hostages".

Casey: Of course.

Erin: Babe, you should really wear your glasses!

Casey: I don't need glasses! I don't!

Erin: I'm sorry.

Chas: Let's see here... "Negotiating with hostages. Rule 1: Don't let the hostage go."

Casey: What if they have to use the little boys room?

Chas: We kick their butts.

Erin: I'm sure that's a reasonable exception.

Marty: Letting them use the lavatory need not entail their release.

Casey: So we can let them go?

Chas: No. You can't let them go.

Casey: Can we go?

Chas: Just listen to what it says: "Don't let the hostage go. Tie them to a bomb or something."

Casey: Or something?

Chas: Better than nothing.

Casey: What if we have many hostages?

Chas: Well, maybe you get a lot of bombs. A whole metric butt-load of bombs, and you just tie everyone together in this big chain of hostages with bombs tied to their-

Marty: The confusion is well served, however, due to improper singular/plural agreement.

Chas: Right. Can I just read the next rule?

Marty: "Don't let the hostage go." Singular. "Tie them to a bomb." Plural.

Chas: Yeah, whatever, smarty-pants.

Erin: Here, I'll read the book! Where were we?

Chas: We finished the first rule.

Erin: "Tie them to a bomb or-"

Casey: No, no. You read that part already.

Erin: I just started..

Marty: There are two parts to the initial precept. Ergo, skip to "Rule 2"

Erin: Arg!" Rule 2. If they ask you to explain your plot, tell them it, making sure to emphasize the shaky parts that could easily be disrupted."

Chas: Umm... That's retarded.

Marty: Read on. We must comprehend our admonition in proper context.

Erin: Rule 3. "Only riffraff shoot their hostages. Evil Overlords have the class to trap them in a burning building, a plane with a broken altimeter, of an Oldsmobile with no air conditioning. See Figure 5." Ugh!

Casey: Hee hee! This sounds like fun!

Erin (realizing that the Harvey Guys have slipped away while they were reading the book): Now, if only we had hostages to do that to.

Casey: What? They got away?

Chas: You know, if we'd spent more time kicking butt and less time reading from that stupid book...

Casey: It's not my fault.

Erin: Of course not.

Marty: I only solicit that behaviors be preformed correctly! We can't slide into the usual carelessness that megalomaniacs are so prone to.

Casey: Well, anyway, the point is that they got away. What do we do now?

Chas: If I know the Harvey Guys... and I don't, really... they'll make themselves very hard to find now that they know they've been found.

Erin: That doesn't make any sense at all.

Marty: Perhaps Lisa should be our target of acquisition instead.

Erin: Didn't we want to get rid of her?

Marty: Well, Casey did, but I presume our perception of these Harvey Guys has altered the circumstances.

Chas: If I know Lisa-

Marty: -and you don't,

Chas: She'll tell us everything we want to know about the Harvey Guys and that hamster-

Marty: If we treat her properly.

Casey: And?

Erin: We would know how to stop the Harvey Guys from taking over the world before we do.

Casey: Oh. That sounds good. Let's go find Lisa (Everyone stands still) Now! (They dash out, revealing the Harvey Guys standing nervously behind them)

Alan: Whew! That was close!

Ethan: These guys are dangerous! Did you hear the things they read from that book?

Alan: I think we all did. So what now?

Andy: Harvey is our only hope now. We must always turn to him.

Alan: You're right. On our own we're outnumber and outgunned against those guys, but Harvey... well, maybe Harvey will get lucky.

Ethan: You're right. Send Harvey out alone to rescue Lisa this time! I’m sure he won’t get distracted by songs.

Andy: But... won't Harvey's powers begin to decay if he leaves his wheel?

Ethan: Bah! Don't you remember? Harvey has developed "the wheel within"

Andy: Even still, how long can the little guy hold out? He might need our help.

Alan: We haven't much time. A decision, Ethan?

Ethan: I am sure he'll be fine. (He takes Harvey out of his cage) Run, my wonder hamster! Run Harvey Run!

Andy: See Harvey Run!

(spoken)

That's it, everyone cooperate and- hey you, the little furry guy! Get back in your seat! (He opens fire, and the lights go out) Hey, don't touch that! Augh!!! (The lights come back on and the terrorist is lying on the ground, bound with ropes)

Andy (as written in the letter): Dear Lisa. I, Adricles Penelope III, Esquire, of Harveynia send you my word. Alan says hi. Although you and us have not always agreed in the past, you should know that we are friends of your father, that we lament your misfortune, and wish to help you escape. Look out the window. (Lisa goes to the window) Nice day, isn't it?

Lisa: Ha ha.

Andy: Continue reading the letter (Lisa looks back at the letter). Although an agent of ours has been deployed to rescue you, I sent you this letter as a back-up. In the envelope you will find two paper clips and a pamphlet on how to pick locks- with paperclips. You will also find a coupon for a free bumper sticker when getting the full-detail car wash at Sam's Wash, located at the corner of 1st and Market. We don't want it so you can keep it. That is all.

Guard: Hey, you have a visitor. Your boyfriend is here to see you.

Lisa: My boyfriend? (Marty walks in)

Marty: Lisa! (he opens his arms out)

Guard: You have ten minutes. (leaves)

Marty: Don't I get a hug?

Lisa: No.

Marty: All right. You're probably wondering why I'm here.

Lisa: I see you've chosen to speak normal today.

Marty: Only for you.

Lisa: You know, you're not my boyfriend.

Marty: Please don't blame me for what Casey did to you. I was completely against it.

Lisa: You sang along with him in those songs.

Marty: Oh, but that was musical theater! Surely you understand? (Lisa gives him a blank look) Forget it then, but let me explain. I must admit that Casey has sent me here to interrogate you, but I hope you will trust me. What Casey continually hides from us is that with your presence, he becomes powerless. It's the illusion of control.

Lisa: You're boring me.

Marty: Summary is forthcoming! It's just that, you and me, together... (He trys to make his move, but retreats) We could end Casey's grasp and pursue our own desires, wherever the winds may take us! But, it will take time, and we have to play his game for a while.

Lisa: So are you breaking me out or what?

Marty: I haven't the resources to do so at this time, but-

Lisa: Guard, remove this guy!

Marty: Fair Lisa, please don't... I need you to tell me the secrets of that hamster. I'll come back for you!

Lisa: What secrets? What hamster?

Marty: The hamster entitled, er.. named "Harvey". (guard enters)

Frantic Voice offstage: Harvey? Did someone say "Harvey"?! Where is he? I'm afraid he's become lost again! He is a pooka, you know! (The guard shakes his head and walks offstage to deal with the problem)

Guard (offstage): All right, Mr. Dowd, SHUT UP!

Elwood: But, Harvey.. Ow! Stop beating me! Harvey! Ow! You're hitting me repeatedly with a blunt toothpick! The other inmates are just standing around laughing at me! Help! Harvey!

Marty: I must go now. Please tell me if you change your mind. Oh wait, is that a pamphlet on how to pick locks with paperclips? Oh, if only we had two paperclips! (Lisa picks up the envelope)

Lisa: Can't you pick the lock with this envelope?

Marty: What do you have here? Hmm... Sam's Wash? Exceptional! And a letter...

Lisa: Hey, that's mine!

Marty: Indeed, but information herein contained may prove vital to your exit. Ah ha! Your beneficiaries have kept you in mind. If you take notice... Ahem. If you look at the bottom, there is a postscript saying "There is No Fourth Wall." (Lisa, who has been leaning against the fourth wall, suddenly falls) Ah ha! Our escape is at hand! Come, fair Lisa! (he leads her off into the audience as the lights fade) Ack (trips)! Can we get the house lights on for a second?

Tech Crew: No!

Marty: Drat!

Ethan: Nope.

Alan: And he hasn’t been sighted by any of those UFO-watch groups.

Ethan: No.

Alan: Have we checked the police reports?

Ethan: I requested them. They'll get here in 6-8 weeks.

Alan: 6-8 weeks! Empires could rise and fall in that time!

Ethan: Bah! The wheels of bureaucracy have hindered us again!

Alan: Please don't mention wheels at this time.

Ethan: Oh, why did we let that hamster out of our sight? Perhaps our confidence in him was too great.

Andy (entering, singing): Will you light my candle?

Ethan and Alan: SHUT UP!

Andy: Sorry, did I walk in at a bad time?

Ethan: It's this whole hunt for Lisa, and now for Harvey. It's driving me mad. We've been searching and searching with no success..

Alan: No sign of either of them.

Andy: But, Harvey is still with us in spirit, isn't he? Our comforter, our guider..

Alan: We haven't even seen Harvey since he left to retrieve Lisa! For all we know he's been-

Andy: Don't say it!

Ethan: Well, it is possible.

Andy: What is happening here? Never have I seen such a loss in faith.

Alan: So, what's your point?

Andy: I don't know the answers, but the questions are very clear: what is happening to us? Why are we losing faith? What are the implications of this?

Ethan: Gadzooks! What if Harvey's powers are declining?

Alan: Our secret empire!

Andy: Others whom we have recently converted may also be losing faith.

Alan: Including-

All three: The ruler of Litchenstein!

Ethan: It's not too late. We must find out why Harvey's power is weakening. It begs the philosophical question, though.

Andy: Meaning-

Ethan: If our motivations stem from Harvey, and now we are less motivated, are we motivated enough to fix this problem, thus renewing our previous motivations that made us so motivated before?

Alan: I think we need to expand your vocabulary.

Ethan: You're not getting it! What if this is a sign? We were led to Harvey through fate-

Alan: And a bizarre genetic experiment, quite systematically controlled by you I may add.

Ethan: Whatever! That's not the point. The point is, we can go back.

Andy: And get more Girl Scout cookies from Scene Two?

Ethan: No! We can go back to being "normal" people, no longer under the control of the hamster, by simple inaction. Do we want to take this out? Is it our destiny?

Booming Voice from Nowhere: No!

Alan: Well, that settles it... Woah, woah hold on! Whoever that was, I just want you to know that we Harvey Guys do not listen to big booming voices that come from stage right.

Andy: Just the quiet, more subtle voices in our heads.

Booming Voice: Let me show you what the world would be like if you didn't believe in Harvey. (A tombstone appears)

Andy: No!!! Please, I'll be good.. I'll-

Alan: (reading the tombstone) "Here lies Ebeneezer Scrooge"?

Andy: Wait a second, they misspelled my name!

Booming Voice: Sorry. Wrong dramatic image. Wait a second. Here we go. Here is what will happened if you don't believe in Harvey. (A stage hand comes on holding a globe, then another comes with a toy rocket, flying toward the globe. The toy rocket reaches the globe)

Stage Hand: Boom boom boom!

Alan: OK...

Booming Voice: Your world will be destroyed!

Alan: Why?

Booming Voice: Aliens from the other side of the galaxy will accidentally blow it up.

Alan: Does that have anything to do with us?

Booming Voice: Umm... not really.

Andy: So, how is it our fault?

Booming Voice: Shut up and go raid Casey’s estate. You must overcome your fears and take action, rather than hiding behind your hamster.

Andy: Wait, you know about Harvey? Who are you?

Alan (looking offstage): Hey, is that the stage manag-

Booming Voice: Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain!

Alan: OK, well, I think we know what we have to do.

Booming Voice: Good.

Alan: All right guys, it’s time to take the offensive! Just the three of us. The fewer the men, the greater the glory. And the fewer graves that need to be dug afterward.

Andy: For Harvey!

All Three: For Harvey the Wonder Hamster!

Brothers: Mwa ha ha ha!

Casey: I shall rise triumphant against all those who resist me. Soon the world shall bow down to me, Casey! The ruler of all I see! Mwa ha ha!

Brothers: Mwa ha ha!

Casey: And then, everything will be mine! All the power! All the women! Mine! Mwa ha ha ha!

Brothers: Mwa ha ha ha!

Casey: Now, bring in the prisoner!

Justin (wandering in): Has anyone seen my plane tickets?

Casey (nervously): Umm... here they are.

Erin: That's a coupon book.

Casey: Right. I knew that.

Chas: Here they are, dad.

Justin: OK, well, you boys be good while I'm gone.

Brothers: We will! (Justin exits)

Erin: Well, that completely ruined the mood.

Marty: It would seem advantageous to invest in our own secret lair.

Chas: We could always build a clubhouse in the backyard, or a treehouse.

Casey: Nonsense! I demand only the finest of lairs! Besides, it'll be mine soon enough.

Chas: Except that you haven't yet told him that Lisa's dead, smart guy.

Casey: Lisa's dead? Why doesn't someone tell me these things!

Chas: You were supposed to tell him that Lisa was killed by a sheep so you could get back your inheritance.

Erin: Boys, Boys! I've got you covered. I told Justin that she ran away again. He's looking for her, but as long as he doesn't know that she’s around, we're fine, and Casey still gets the inheritance.

Chas: That's what I like about you Erin, always on top of things.

Casey: Told you so!

Chas: Should we bring in the prisoner?

Casey: Yes. Bring in Lisa. (Lisa is brought in) Ah. What have we here? It is the pitiful traitor, Lisa. Bow before me, traitor, and beg for mercy!

Lisa: I'm not a traitor, stupid! I'm Justin's youngest son, making me more valuable than you!

Marty: Ouch.

Casey: Um... Cooperate and I will be lying when I tell Daddy that you're dead.

Lisa: Which one?

Casey: Umm... your ploys to confuse me will not succeed! Now, what is the hamster's secret?

Lisa: What hamster?

Casey: This hamster! (he holds up a cage)

Lisa: Where'd you get that from?

Chas: Ha ha. The stupid thing came right to our lair, looking for you!

Lisa: It's just a hamster! Why do you care?

Erin: She does have a point. As long as we have the hamster, the Harvey Guys don't, so everything should be fine.

Casey: Silence! I want to know the hamster's secrets so it will help me take over the world.

Lisa: Just like the Harvey Guys, Alan and Andy?

Casey: Exactly. Except without the part about the Harvey Guys.

Lisa: Suddenly the Harvey Guys are seeming like a better option to go with.

Casey: You can't go with them! You have to go with me! Me me me!

Lisa: Why you? Why not me? Suppose I wanted to take over the world with the hamster?

Marty: Do you?

Chas: I think we've played her game long enough. Let's lay down the smack.

Lisa: OK, fine. The first thing you have to do is put the hamster on a wheel.

Casey: A wheel? Are you sure?

Lisa: Dad, my real dad, once told me that Harvey could only use his powers if he was running on his wheel.

Casey: Excellent. Send her back to her cell.

Erin: We don't have any cells. This is a budget production.

Casey: I don't care! Just tie her up, and we will find a wheel.

Lisa: Don't you want to know the rest?

Casey: Later. I can only handle one thing at a time.

(The Harvey Guys come on)

Alan: Look! Harvey! (they all pass Lisa and get Harvey out of his cage while Lisa trys to get their attention)

Ethan: Oh! Little Harvey! How did you wind up in a place like this?

Andy: Is it really Harvey? (He takes Harvey out of the cage and trys to sense Harvey's mystical powers) He is weakening.

Alan: He seems frisky to me.

Andy: True, his body is strong, but his spirit is dying. (He passes Harvey to Ethan)

Alan: Someone's coming! (They all hide in different places. Andy hides behind the desk where Harvey's cage is. Ethan takes Harvey with him into hiding)

Justin: Silly me, my flight isn't until next week! (Lisa is trying to call out to him) What's that sound?

Casey (coming in): It's my ... new pet termite. It's name is ...Lisa.

Justin: What?

Casey: I mean, Lisa named it. Yeah, that's right. You should stay out. I think it's getting startled. In fact, maybe you should leave the house for a while.

Justin: Well...

Casey: Oh, and dad, could you get me a hamster wheel as long as you're out? I want to give it to Lisa, as a present.

Justin: Lisa's gone, eh?

Casey: But if she comes back-

Justin: Oh, all right, I'll get you a hamster wheel.

Casey: Cool. Thanks dad! (Justin exits) Ah... just when I thought we had the house to ourselves. (He checks the empty cage) Hey! Where did Harvey go? What happened here, Lisa?

Andy (Popping up in a really lame makeshift hamster costume) : Hi Casey. It's me, Harvey the Hamster. (Lisa rolls her eyes and falls back in utter disbelief)

Casey: You're Harvey?

Andy: Why so doubtful Casey? I'm your faithful hamster. Now you go run along and do whatever Caseys do.

Casey: Are you sure you're a hamster?

Andy(singing the Hamster Dance melody): Dic a dee da di duh doo doo...

Casey: OK, I'm convinced, but... You seem a bit different, somehow.

Andy: Oh come on. Look, I never bite, I never squeal, and I'll run on my hamster wheel as soon as you get one!

Casey: OK, I guess that would fit the description of Harvey. Say, have you gotten bigger?

Andy: Are you saying I’m fat?!

Casey: Well, no-

Andy: Because you can just come out and say it if you want to criticize my physique, Shorty.

Casey: Fine, forget I brought it up.

Andy: OK, maybe I've put on a few pounds, but I've still got the same great girlish figure!

Casey: Aren't you supposed to be, you know, a guy?

Andy: Aren't you?

Casey: What are you- Wait a second, since when do you talk!

Andy: No lo contendere?

Casey: What was that?

Alan (hidden): Hamster-speak!

Casey: OK, now I'm confused. I need to find Erin. In the mean time, get back in your cage. And... lose some weight!

Andy: Sure thing. (Casey leaves)

Alan: That was close.

Ethan: Too close.

Andy: That's not our big problem. We need to help Harvey. Soon his power will disappear forever.

Alan: How can we stop that from happening?

Andy (gesturing toward Lisa, who has been ignored up until now) : Maybe Lisa can tell us.

Ethan: Lisa!

Lisa (after being ungagged) : Dad! You came for me!

Ethan: Lisa, I need your help.

Lisa: Likewise. Now, the keys-

Ethan: Exactly. You are the key to solving our problem.

Lisa: OK, but first can't you- oh cripes, is that music?

Andy: (spoken) Maybe we could suspend Harvey in the air with dental floss.

Alan: (spoken) Maybe we could place him in some sort of cylinder.

Ethan: I've got it! Let's stick him in a hamster wheel!

Lisa: Well, duh! Even I could figure that one out. I mean, come on! You guys are the "Harvey Guys" and you couldn't even figure out that Harvey needed to run on his wheel, like you say in the song?

Alan: Hey, granted we may have been a little slow, but keep in mind this whole wonder hamster jobbie is still a new technology.

Andy: The wheel within just wasn't enough. Something physical was needed. Let us return Harvey to his wheel and our empire will be revived!

Lisa: Wait a minute. Did I just help you guys?

Ethan: Welcome back Lisa! (They hug)

Justin(he comes in, hamster wheel in hand): Lisa! Is that you?

Lisa: Oh dear...

Justin: There you are!

Alan: Oh, no...

Andy: Um... What do you want with me?

Justin: Not you, him.

Alan: Him? You mean, Ethan?

Justin: No, him.

Andy: Alan?

Justin: No, him... Lisa.

Alan: I think you're confused.

Justin: Not at all, I'd recognize my son anywhere!

Alan: She's not your son!

Justin: Now, look here, I have good and legal proof to show that I am the legal guardian of this young lad.

Ethan: She's not a lad, she's a lass.

Justin: Alas! You fools are making this so difficult.

Alan: She’s a woman! Are you blind, man?

Justin: Who's a man?

Andy: She's not.

Justin: But who is?

Alan: Who cares! This is no man!

Justin: That insult I take from no man!

Alan: She is no man, she's a woman!

Justin: Who's a woman?

Lisa: I... am a woman.

Justin: You're a girl!!!

Ethan: I always thought so.

Justin: I can't believe this! My own son...

Lisa: I'm also not your son.

Justin: My own child... deceiving me all these years!

Lisa: It's been less than a month.

Justin: Who's counting? Though, if you are a woman, then I suppose you can't be Joseph, eh?

Lisa: Can't be who?

Justin: My long-lost twelfth son.

Lisa: No. Not really.

Justin: Who are you, then?

Lisa: Umm... it's kind of a long story.

Alan: Well, then, I guess that settles everything! We'll be on our way now, if you don't mind.

Andy: Hey, a hamster wheel! Mind if we take this?

Justin: Wait a minute, who are you guys again?

Alan: We're from the... We're salesmen.

Andy: Bounty hunters.

Alan: Salesmen.

Andy: I want to be a bounty hunter!

Alan: But-

Justin: Bounty hunters? Ah, now it makes sense.

Ethan: Yes. They're here to retrieve my daughter.

Justin: Well, if that isn't the sweetest thing. But oh! I'd better place another classified ad for Joseph. (he leaves)

Ethan: What a strange old man. (Lisa is trying not to laugh) What? What did I say?

Alan: OK, we're clear now. (Casey and all his henchmen enter, and many draw guns)

Andy: Let's get back and put Harvey on his wheel!

Casey: Let's not. Sorry guys, I'm calling the shots from here on. Don't try any funny stuff... if I snap my fingers these boys'll drill you full of holes.

Andy: What if I snap my fingers?

Casey: He can snap your fingers!? Why didn't someone tell me this!

Erin: Relax...

Andy: I think if I snap my fingers your goons'll join our side and ship you 3rd class to Boston, Mississippi.

Casey: No... They wouldn't dare go against me!

Marty: It should be brought to your attention that we have not observed the effect of him snapping his fingers.

Chas: You know, punk, there's a reason you don't get a gun! (Marty cowers back into a corner, as Erin calms down Casey)

Erin: I think we're covered, Casey.

Alan: Why are you doing this?

Casey: The hamster must return to me. That hamster has charisma, and charisma is power.

Andy: And power is knowledge.

Alan: No, knowledge is power.

Ethan: That reminds me of a great physics joke. See if power is work over time, and knowledge is power and time is money...

Casey: Augh!! Stop, stop! No more... No more of this talk!

Marty: I kinda wanted to hear the joke.

Casey: Argh!

Erin: Don't push him. Casey, the hamster.

Casey: Right, the hamster. Where was I?

Alan: You were about to talk about the hamster.

Casey: Exactly. As I was saying, with that hamster in my hands, there is no one who can stop me from becoming the most powerful person in the world!

Alan: For loose definitions of person.

Casey: Did I give you permission to talk?

Alan: No.

Andy: Yes.

Alan: No.

Andy: Yes!

Casey: Then talk!

Andy: I just want you to know something. There are many things you can do right now. You can kidnap Harvey for your own demented purposes. You can take over the world... maybe. You kill us all right here and now. But, there's one thing you can't do.

Erin: Dance the Flamenco?

Andy: No.

Chas: Do a convincing impression of Sir Alec Guiness?

Ethan: Manufacture a magnetic monopole?

Casey: Very small rocks?

Andy: Hmm...

Marty: Debug Windows?

Andy: Alright, I guess there are actually many things that Casey can't do, but there was one thing in particular that I had in mind.

Casey: What is it?

Andy: I'm not going to tell you.

Casey: Now that's just not fair.

Alan: After all that build-up? Come on, man.

Andy: All right. The one thing you can't do is give this story a happy ending. If you prevail, the happy ending is impossible, which will force you into a never-ending pursuit of resolution. You will try and try, but you will soon realize that there is no resolution but the happy ending!

Marty: What if this were all a tragedy?

Andy: That would be tragic, wouldn't it?

Casey: Just a second! If I win, I will be happy, and everyone on my side will be happy.

Andy: Face, it Casey. NO ONE LIKES YOU!!!

Casey: I like me.

Andy: No you don't. You don't like who you are. In fact, you hate who you are. Do you know why? Because you're not really so tough. You're just an overblown hot-head, so you try to mask it with your pretended strength, but I see right through you. You just can’t stand the idea that people would have a hamster rule them over you. (Casey is fuming uncontrollably) And on top of it, you do a really bad job of covering up your weaknesses. Can you even see me in focus? (This is the final straw, and everyone can see it)

Casey: Enough! Enough! Shoot them! Shoot them all!

Andy: Go ahead, shoot me! Destroy the happy ending! Loose your resolution! Shoot me already! (Chas shoots him)

Chas (shrugging): He told me to shoot him.

Andy: You shot me!

Alan: Quick, everyone! Clap your hands to save Andy!

Andy: Don't embarrass me. You're making it worse...

Andy: Shot? Was this really the end of poor Andy? Was this to be the end of the Harvey reign? (He turns the page) No! Fate indeed is a strange creation, for as Andy moaned in pain... oh... (Suddenly, he falls over)

Alan: Oh my god, he's dead! He must have suffered from a fatal heart attack or something! (He picks up the book) What is the meaning of all of this? Hmm... Wait! "As he watched Andy fall back, Casey felt a twinge of fear in his heart for he knew that something terrible was about to happen to him" (Casey enters, with 1 or 2 followers).

Casey: Stop him!

Casey: And so, after Andy suffered from a fatal heart attack, and despite Alan's valiant efforts to complete the story with a happy ending, Casey and his men appeared--

Alan: There he is! You shall not end the story that way!

(?)

Alan: OK, so where are we now?

Andy: You got me. I'm totally lost at this point. Let's go back to the level that's narrating the main story.

Alan: The one where you had a fatal heart attack?

Andy: Oh, sure. Bring that one up again.

Alan (still holds the book and trying to read while Casey and his followers are chasing him around): Suddenly... um... suddenly... Damn it, Andy!

Andy's Voice: Do something quickly Alan subscript two! I've been shot!

Alan: Well if Alan and Andy subscript three could help me... That's it! (closes the book and shouts upwards) Suddenly, the Casey who is writing my story found his shoelaces had been tied together!

Alan: Well, that was completely unexpected. (Reading as he is writing) As fate would have it, everyone but the Harvey Guys mysteriously vanished.

Andy: And Andy did not suffer a fatal heart attack.

Alan: And...

Andy: And Andy did not suffer a fatal heart attack.

Alan: I know I'm forgetting something...

Andy: And Andy did not suffer a fatal heart attack!

Andy: (he grabs the book) Wow, I did not suffer a fatal heart attack. The gods sure are nice to me today! Anyway, we should finish the story I was reading so we can give it an inexplicable happy ending...

Alan (breaking down the 4th wall): For those of you who couldn't follow that, we messed with fate and now we're back where we started.

Andy: You shot... you missed! At point blank range, with an automatic weapon, you missed! That's just amazing!

Chas: Ha ha ha... Wait.

Andy: What I mean is... who else has such precision that they could fire on someone less than 5 feet away and not hit once? Of course... I'll bet she's even better.

Erin(not taking the bait yet): You flatter me.

Casey: Whatever you're trying to do it won't work.

Andy: Hey, don't get me wrong. You don't need to impress me. However, I'll bet you could impress world-renown circus con-man Gene Gurtzman.

Lisa: I used to work for him. The pay was just-

Alan: Superfluous! With talent like yours, you guys would be rolling in cash faster than Casey can snap his fingers.

Casey: Actually, I can’t snap.

Marty: A circus! It appears that a better option has been presented to our motley crew. I have always wanted to manage a circus. When I was a little boy I used to marvel at the clowns and the acrobats, and I knew, way back then I knew... Oh, don't you see brothers! We were not meant to ruthlessly take over the world behind Casey. We were meant to ruthlessly take people's money through the use of cheezy carny techniques. Come now, let's find this Mr. Gertzman.

Chas: Woah, woah. Don't we have to finish shooting these punks?

Erin: You already did, remember?

Chas: Oh.

Marty: Then let us go! These plans for world domination were a failure to begin with anyway! (There is an agreement, and Casey’s supporters begin leaving)

Brothers: Oh, we're off to meet the con-man...

Casey: Hey guys, where ya going? (There is a long pause)

Ethan: The plot-hole police going to have a field day with this one.

Alan: I guess you're vanquished, Casey. Without your crownies, you don't stand a chance against us.

Casey: Oh yeah? Well, you know what I think of your vanquished nonsense? I think... (Lisa prepares to fight him) I think I'm running away! (exits)

Lisa: I think we've heard the last of Casey.

Alan: Isn't that what you said about us?

Andy: Brothers! We are forgetting something!

Alan: Did we leave the water running in Ethan's house running again?

Andy: Aw damn, that too! But I was actually thinking about Harvey!

Ethan: Of course!

Ethan: This has certainly been an eventful month. I wonder where our hamster adventures will lead us now. (The music to "Summer Nights" from "Grease" begins)

Everyone: No!