A comedy by Alex Bobbs

Edward:

Son of kings, they say I am. Such titles weigh against the conscience.

To be a prince is an unstable stance,

Cursed with expectations of grandeur,

For a son of kings can not remain a son forever.

My father, the great Edward Senior, is mourned today.

Though the ceremony was tasteful and the reception filled with rather tasty treats,

Including a dish of baklava prepared by my beloved Addy, I can not help but feel that... (he ponders for a moment)

Where was I going with this? Ah, yes...

My father’s death, though mourned in ritual, seems to have no lasting effect.

His wife, being my mother, or so she claims,

Has already made plans to move on without him.

Nary a soul in England seems to care how he died,

Merely that he is, presumably, departed.

Look how they turn, as if my father were to be nothing more than a fleeting memory!

Why, had I the heart of a hamster, it would weep,

Of course, hearts don’t actually weep, lacking the necessary tear glands, but I digress…

Have they forgotten the mysterious circumstances by which he was taken?

That he should die in the forest, away from the watchful eye of the court,

No body found and no word aside from that of unreliable messengers,

This inspires a desire to learn more than common knowledge should afford.

My mind is fixed on such a cause, and one cause alone.

I, an Edward like my father, seek not the crown and glory of rule.

I mourn for England’s fate, to be deprived of a king,

Yet I hesitate to take up my calling, for I strongly lack both experience and desire.

Rather, I only wish to set my soul at peace, by finding the true nature of my father’s death.

There is villainy afoot here, and by St. George, I will find the conspirators,

Or may the royal garland never grace my head!

Maggie:

Edward, who are you talking to?

Edward:

Um... No one, dear mother. I was simply pondering matters of various sorts.

Maggie:

Let your attention not wander, Edward. It is the eve of a new era and you seem to dwell only on things past. Your father is dead and there is nothing you can do to change that. We must fix our gaze on the future. Peace cannot persist long in such times as these. You know of my dreaded rivals, the Yorkcasters, do you not? A growing threat is upon us, and you must act quickly. Take the crown, claim the throne, and crush our enemies.

Edward:

Our enemies? What enemies do we have save for those we make?

Maggie:

Do we need more?

Edward:

Fair point. Come to think of it, I’m not sure we could have more. Let’s see, we’ve got the Yorkcasters, the Scots, the French, the Papacy... I suppose Iceland doesn’t hate us yet, but given time-

Maggie:

Edward, you are going off on a pointless tangent again, and what had I said before about tangents?

Edward (timidly):

That they are equal to the opposite side of a triangle divided by the adjacent? (Maggie sighs) Oh, was that wrong? I suppose you didn’t specify-

Maggie:

Edward! What you need to understand is that power is an unstable beast, one that requires persistent attention if you are to keep it within your grasp. The heir of the Yorkcaster line will have the crown if you hesitate. Everyone here knows that he is a quick and ruthless man. Don’t you all?

Addy:

Dost her highness refer to John-Richard-Henry XXXVII?

Maggie:

Quite so. John-Richard-Henry is the most vile war-mongering villain this country has ever seen, isn’t he?

Addy:

I dare not contradict her highness.

Edward:

There is one thing about this John-Richard-Henry XXXVII I can not understand, no matter how I try. Why in God’s name did the Yorkcaster family name 37 boys "John-Richard-Henry"? That’s just about the most unbecoming name I’ve ever heard.

Addy:

Well, at least it’s original, in an odd sort of way.

Maggie (fuming again):

The name is not important! What is important is that they will seize the throne in your father’s absence.

Edward:

Well, if he wants it recorded in the history books such that everyone will know what a dumb name he had, I say we let him. It would be a most fitting punishment.

Maggie:

How can I call you my son?

Edward:

Mother...

Maggie:

I have withstood the threats of our challengers so far and I will not watch the throne be taken by a Yorkcaster because my son was too much of a fool to realize what a fool he was being. Have you learned nothing?

Edward:

I try to please you, mother.

Maggie:

Do or do not, there is no try! Seize the day, and crown yourself tomorrow.

Edward:

Tomorrow?! Tomorrow in my judgment is too sudden. I reason that I must assemble a cabinet first, or perhaps go on a leadership training retreat.

Maggie:

No! Crown yourself tomorrow, marry a queen, and crush our enemies.

Edward:

Oh please, mother, no more talk of marriage.

When I was but a child of six, my fearsome uncle, the Duke of Warwick,

Sought to form a pact between the long-time enemies of England and France.

A satisfactory agreement among the company of nobles was reached,

Under such terms that the French would share their culinary secrets,

(For long had we desired such knowledge),

To this end, we pledged an open trading of tennis balls.

As commemoration for this trading alliance, a marriage was promised,

A union between myself and the child princess Souflé.

However, the agreement has since become moot:

England hasn’t manufactured tennis balls in seven years,

The French gave up on teaching us how to cook,

Relations have eroded, and the two nations hate each other... again.

Yet, somehow the betrothal remains as has been said,

Such that Souflé and I are committed to wed.

Yes, I got it to rhyme!

Maggie:

Edward, I know this. I’ve known all that for years. Why are you repeating it?

Edward:

I felt inspired by the moment. Mother, why must I marry a French twit whom I barely know? Suppose she is harsh and cruel!

Maggie:

She is your promised bride! In addition, your marriage, a marriage to a royal princess (however French she may be), will deal a further blow to the Yorkcasters.

Edward (suddenly thoughtful):

Ah, so her presence will protect us? Indeed! I can envision it now: "Oh no, we can’t bombard the palace today, there’s a French princess inside. We’ll just have to come back tomorrow and hope she’s not still there."

Maggie:

No, Edward, just no. That doesn’t make any sense at all.

Edward:

If not, then why must I be married?

Maggie:

It is time you were married, and who else but her? (Addy exits, passing in front of Edward, who watches her. Maggie grabs Edward forcefully) You will marry that princess, you will become king, and you will like it!

Edward:

Oh, what great misfortunes has fate bestowed upon me!

Cruel circumstance works against my every plan!

That I must immediately take arms against a foe so ludicrous,

Falling into the arms of a girl so ridiculous, when neither in this world I want-

Soft you now, it is the noble and honest Mario, the most trusted man of our court.

Good day to you, sire Mario.

Mario:

It’s-a-me, Mario! How fairs our gracious lord?

Edward:

Mario, I must be Frank. Or Edward, as the case may be. I bear great troubles on this day.

Mario:

Tell me, what terrible misfortune has taken you?

Edward:

It is such, Mario, that I must be king, and wed a beautiful French princess.

Mario:

I would bear your misfortunes for you if I could.

Edward:

Oh, your service is strong, good Mario.

Mario:

I am no stranger to ill fortune. When I had fought against Troy alongside the heroes of our noble country-

Edward:

Troy? When was this?

Mario:

Before you were born. But-

Edward:

How old are you, anyway?

Mario:

As old as I am, great prince. The point, which I have been much belabored in, is that I have seen many great troubles, and thus can understand your own. I am the one you may trust with all secrets that you would not trust anyone else with.

Edward:

Wow! It’s good that I talked to you about this.

Mario:

Yes. I shall meet you again to sooth your worries, but for now, let us depart this place.

Edward:

Marry and shall. I shall speak to you again, honest Mario.

Mario:

That one may smile and smile and still be a villain.

And now, there is none here but I. And I...

Understand that I, while a trusted member of the queen’s court,

Have no pleasure to entertain these fair well-spoken-of days,

Being neither included in romantic plots, nor meant to provide comedy,

nor intended as any leader, I find myself purposeless.

Thus, since I can not prove a hero, I shall play the part of a villain.

My deceits are endless, as even my past is shrouded in improbable lies.

The fools with their petty concerns have not the intellect to suspect me.

Now, plots have I laid, and the path is known only by I.

Malice and slaughter shall be the result, and only I, overseer of all,

Shall rule the day when mighty England falls!

Mwahahahaha!

Drat, now he’s got me doing it.

(exit)

Edward:

Jack Springrod, how fairs thee with this common London crowd?

Springrod:

As well as fortune may allow, fortune being a fickle friend. I can not claim to have the pleasures of the palace, but then again, I can not claim to bear its worries either. And so, my dear royal friend, I have been quite happy. The air is fine, the wine is plentiful, I recently won a good sum off some poor sap traveling out from Italy.

Edward:

My dear Jack! I nary know what keeps you alive. What shall you do when you must acquire some use, as all men must find a purpose besides drinking?

Springrod:

What can or needs to be said to defend old Jack? To acquire a trade would force me to abandon my current one.

Edward:

Which is what? To be lazy, drink too much, and occasionally provide comic relief and witty commentary?

Springrod:

More or less. Of course, I am aspiring to be nobility some day... which means I’ll have to start doing much less and not more.

Edward:

Ah, but what an empty hope that is! Such dreams, fleeting phantoms of fantasy as they may be, are rarely attained. For it must be that while the natural world will support many rabbits, there may only be a smattering of lions. Or was it penguins?

Springrod:

Then I shall have to learn to waddle.

It is fortunate that you have managed to escape the constraints of your palace life. Yet, you appear fraught with apprehension.

Edward:

Ah, how perceptive you are, for one born of the common race. To rise above one’s position, as you have often done, speaks highly of your merit, as you are truly a diamond in a mine. But of my apprehension: my mother has placed requests on me that I feel I may not fulfill.

Springrod:

Indeed, so the problem is not with the father who is unfortunately dead, but with the mother who is unfortunately still alive.

Edward:

She asks of me that which I can never be, as if to ask a massive elephant to swim.

Springrod:

Actually, elephants are excellent swimmers.

Edward:

What I mean to convey, beyond gratuitous analogies, is that she asks me to attend my own coronation tomorrow. How can I fulfill such a duty? I am no king and have neither the strength nor the will to assume such a post.

Springrod:

Bah! Skip it. Let us suppose that you were to be absent at your coronation: what would be the consequences?

Edward:

I imagine the fury of my mother would shake the skies!

Springrod:

You would be slightly reprimanded, but come... practice an answer!

Edward:

Ah, then, Jack, you must stand in for my mother.

Springrod:

That I shall gladly do. This stool shall be my throne, and this bottle of wine, my scepter. (the crowd notices the game and watches with glee)Ahem... (In a loud screeching high-pitched voice, and waving the bottle of wine) Edward! Why have you not done my bidding? How could you miss your own coronation? I had to crown the dog instead, and you have no idea how embarrassing that was!

Edward:

Well... um... mother, I am afraid I... I was kidnapped by a foul man in a pub. Springrod was his name.

Springrod:

Springrod? I have often seen a very virtuous man among your company, whose looks are quite fair and fine. Could that be your Springrod?

Edward:

Oh, no, mother, it could not have been him, for Springrod is as fat as a hog. A fat hog at that.

Springrod:

Edward! You still have not answered for yourself. What excuse can you make for your negligence? Were you out drinking again with this virtuous handsome man Springrod?

Edward:

No, mother, I was dead at the time. I mean, kidnapped. I mean... oh bugger!

Springrod:

Well, then, I guess we’ll just have you executed.

Edward:

Now, Jack, you’re doing it all wrong. Here, let me play my mother.

Springrod:

Depose me? I think not. Besides, that defeats the whole point of this exercise.

Edward:

Even so, I still have no answer for my mother.

Springrod:

I noticed. Ah! I have an idea.

Edward:

What pricks thy mind, Springrod?

Springrod:

Suppose that you actually had a valid reason for missing your coronation. Suppose that tonight you were to simply become "lost", by "accident", in the "forest".

Edward:

Oh, such a fate would indeed be dreadful!

Springrod:

Your father disappeared in the woods, and you could not help but to be driven to search for the body. You intended to be back in plenty of time, but on the way you become "lost".

Edward:

Such would be a valid excuse, but is it likely to happen?

Springrod:

Yes.

Edward:

How?

Springrod:

Just come with me to the Enchanted Woods and all will be fine.

Edward:

To the Enchanted Woods? Ah, I have an idea, Springrod! We could disappear into those woods, and when we are late to the coronation, as we intend to be, we shall simply tell a lie and say we were lost. Ah, what a plan I have conceived!

Springrod:

Brilliant.

Edward:

Come, Springrod, to the Enchanted Woods! Let us hope none of these extras tell my mother what they just heard.

Maggie:

With the matter of the state put to rest, my first act shall be to have- What are you people doing here?

Bar Patron:

We’re just getting a drink.

Maggie:

What do you think this is, a bar? This is the throne room. You’re not allowed in here! Don’t you see the- What the hell is going on here?

Stage hand:

Sorry, we were busy playing cards.

Maggie:

Who are these people?

Bishop:

I don’t know, but they brought your throne back.

Maggie:

Well then, where was I?

Bishop:

Something about "matter of the state".

Maggie:

Yes. Ahem! With the matter of the state put to rest, my first act shall be to have the heirs of the Yorkcaster faction arrested and sent to the tower.

Bishop:

Which tower is this you speak of, my lady?

Maggie:

THE tower! The tall, scary one where we send people for beheadings.

Bishop:

Oh dear, I was afraid you meant that one. We don’t behead people there anymore.

Maggie:

Indeed?

Bishop:

Your late husband had it converted into a museum. It now covers the history of the tower, including all of the famous beheadings. Free admission for children on weekends.

Maggie:

You’ve got to be kidding me. Well, I won’t have any of that nonsense. The Yorkcasters shall be sent there for beheadings! The children can watch for free if they want, but all opposition to my rule shall end this week! In more pressing news, is everything set for the coronation that is to take place tomorrow evening?

Bishop:

Preparations are being made with all haste. I have arranged to have the ceremony in the Great Hall. When the blessed hour comes, every nobleman in England will be assembled to witness the coronation of your son and his subsequent marriage.

Maggie:

Yes, every nobleman alive shall be here tomorrow. Aside from the Yorkcasters, of course.

Bishop:

Of course, we- Oh... Why would you say that?

Maggie:

Why? The Yorkcasters are not welcome here, obviously. They are my most hated rivals.

Bishop:

Well... then, I’m sure they won’t come. (Maggie glares) They haven’t RSVP’d yet. (Maggie fumes) OK, one did, but he might forget…

Maggie:

Archbishop...

Bishop:

Madam, forgive me. You directly requested that all nobility be invited to the coronation. I assumed there would be no exceptions, especially for a group that makes up forty percent of the current nobility, and it just seemed ostensibly rude to further provoke them.

Maggie:

Whose provocation do you fear more, Archbishop of Canterbury? These "citizens" you speak of are my sworn enemies. Inviting them would be almost as ridiculous as inviting that disgusting king of France.

Bishop (sheepishly):

The father of the bride?

Maggie:

You invited him, didn’t you?

Bishop:

It did seem proper at the time. We’re trying to reconcile our two nations!

Maggie:

Nonsense! I don’t like him one bit! That’s it, we can’t go on with such ill-laid plans.

Bishop:

What do you mean?

Maggie:

I won’t have my son crowned with Yorkcasters and Frenchies in attendance! Cancel the coronation, reschedule, and this time, don’t invite anyone I hate!

Bishop (aside):

I guess I don’t need to book the Great Hall, then.

Mario:

Ahem! It’s-a-me, Mario! Good lady of the state, Princess Souflé of France has just arrived.

Maggie:

Send her away; we’ve had a change in plans. Archbishop, inform that unworthy son of mine that his coronation has been postponed. And let him know that it’s all your fault!

Bishop:

I shall, my lady. (exit)

Mario:

Madam, I am so sorry for the embarrassment, but the princess is waiting just outside that door, and I, being dull of wit, would be hard pressed to remove her now. Perhaps, however, you can explain the situation better than I could.

Maggie:

Well, since you put it that way, I will speak with her. She does speak English, I assume.

Mario:

She is very fluent at a particular dialect of English. The kind spoken in France-

Souflé:

Hello! I come see to Edward. Marry?

Mario:

-by people who don’t really speak English. I think I shall attend to-

Maggie:

Stay here, Mario! Alright, let’s get this over with. Mario, translate.

Mario:

Translate?

Maggie:

Translate!

Maggie:

Princess Souflé, we intend to honor this betrothal, but I am afraid the date can not be today. Due to unforeseen complications and utter incompetence, the wedding must be postponed until a later time.

Mario("translating"):

You, Souflé. Marry? Yes! Now? No! People stupid. Uh oh! Marry in long time.

Maggie (continued):

However, there is no need to return home, as this delay will be brief. I trust you will enjoy your stay in our civilized country, and you may stay in the tower, the one not currently involved in beheadings , and- Oh for the love of god! Stop crying already!

Mario("translating"):

To France? No. Marry soon. England happy nice place. Sleep way way up. Head stay on. No wah wah!

Mario:

My lady, do you not see? She has been treated as nothing but a pawn in this scheme, and now she comes to fulfill the only destiny she has.

Maggie:

Mario, I am trying my utmost to explain. Princess Souflé, you shall marry Edward… next week.

Mario:

Marry in seven days.

Bishop:

Madam, he’s not in his quarters.

Maggie:

Check the library. (Bishop runs off) Seven days, next week, when we can have a proper ceremony.

Souflé:

No! No seven days. Marry tomorrow!

Maggie:

No! Seven days! Seven days to marry or head no stay on!

Souflé:

Oh. Seven days.

Maggie:

Yes. Seven days.

Mario:

If I may bring up a point, your majesty, perhaps seven days is too long. If John-Richard-Henry were to sense the delay as a weakness, he could be at our gates before the week is up.

Maggie:

Well, if the ceremony stands as is, he’ll be here tomorrow! No, we shall abide by my new capricious decision to have the ceremony next week. The princess is simply here early.

Souflé (not quite catching all of this):

Oh! I early? Very, um… punctual?

Maggie:

Yes, you are very punctual.

Souflé:

Still marry Edward?

Maggie:

Yes! It will be a grand ceremony, with all the nobility present, save for those vile Yorkcasters and Frenchmen, save for the bride. Once my power is secure, I shall unite England, and bring an end to the strife that currently tears us apart.

Mario:

You shall?

Maggie:

Acting through my good son, of course.

Mario:

Of course. And I full well understand your position, for when I was a father of three sons, I sought to rule through each of them.

Maggie:

I don’t recall you ever mentioning that you had sons, or ruled anything.

Bishop:

Excuse me. I hate to interrupt, but Edward is not in the library either.

Maggie:

Try that pub he’s always loafing around at.

Bishop:

Yes, my lady. (exits)

Souflé:

Edward no here? Where Edward?

Maggie:

Don’t worry, he’s around here somewhere.

Souflé:

But no here.

Maggie:

I’m sure the little brat is nearby. I just pray he isn’t off trying to court Lady Addyterum again!

Souflé (distraught):

What? Who?

Maggie:

Don’t even think about crying again!

Bishop:

Madam, I spoke with some-

Maggie:

Wait, how did you get to the pub and back so quickly? It must have taken at least an hour to do all that!

Bishop:

Well, I spoke to some extras backstage... I mean, I spoke with some common folk, and they claim that Edward has plotted to disappear into the Enchanted Woods.

Maggie:

What?!

Bishop:

There’s more. They say he is accompanied by a strange man of ill report. He is a fat man named... Springrod.

Maggie:

Springrod... That name sounds familiar. I know I have heard it mentioned before in this chamber, though I can not recall when!

Mario (aside to audience):

I’m sure that will be important later.

Souflé:

Edward gone? Edward leave Souflé?

Maggie:

The downfall of all England shall be the result if he does not return. John-Richard-Henry XXXVII may seize this opportunity to lay his claim on the throne! We must not let this news be known. Archbishop, send word of the coronation’s cancellation and make no mention of my foolish son’s disappearance. With what time we have, we must search Edward out and arrest this troublemaker Springrod! Come!

Mario (aside):

The downfall of all England shall come if he does not return? How simply marvelous! I shall see that he never returns, leaving England leaderless and in chaos, with a fallen king, a missing prince, and a queen running about in the wild. Oh ho, I am so evil! But how shall I ensure that Edward remains missing? Ah, this crazy girl, so deprived of wit... her wrath may be terrible if she were to think that Edward has betrayed her. She shall be my deadly instrument!

Why, young princess, what sadness has befallen you? Tell me, for I understand all sadness.

Souflé:

I come to marry Edward, but Edward no here.

Mario:

Oh, I am so sorry. It is unsettling that your suitor is not here to woo you. For a man with any interest in his bride would surely be present to meet her at the first opportunity. His absence must arouse your most paranoid suspicions. If only these suspicions could be laid to rest. I can not help but think of how tragic it is that no one has had the heart to tell you what Edward has done.

Souflé:

What Edward do?

Mario:

Oh, no, I dare not speak on such improper topics. It is not my place to say what strange things our Prince has done.

Souflé:

Strange?

Mario:

I know that he has a good heart, which is why I may not slander his name.

Souflé:

Tell me!

Mario:

I simply can not tell you, good lady, for your own sake. It would not be gentlemanly.

Souflé:

Please!

Mario:

I see that you are already much too distraught to receive such upsetting news. Why, if you knew that Edward had run off and chosen to pursue another woman, you might become incredibly furious at this man who has betrayed you.

Souflé:

Queen say that Edward "court" other woman...

Mario:

Oh, speak not of it! For you would only remind yourself that you have no future, and you would wonder what there is left for you.

Souflé:

Edward leave Souflé…

Mario:

I have said too much! I beg of you to keep your reason obedient and do not follow Edward into the Enchanted Woods. Of all things, you must not kill him in a jealous rage, and especially not with this knife (he hands her a knife). It would be just too suitable.

Souflé:

Edward leave me. Now I return to France and eat snails until grow old? No. I have no choice now, but to end this. Goodbye...

Mario:

Yes, goodbye. And remember, go for the jugular vein.

Souflé:

Goodbye cruel world... (She shoves the knife into her chest... handle first. She stumbles back, and then looks rather confused.)

Mario:

Um, the pointy end goes the other way, if that’s what you were trying to do.

Souflé:

Oh! (She throws down the knife) I always get wrong! Goodbye! (She jumps out the window, landing offstage) Ow. Oh, I get wrong again.

Mario:

First story windows… very poor means of suicide.

Souflé (offstage):

I try again. Ow Oh... Never works!

Mario:

On second thought, perhaps this princess is not the best tool to use against someone I wish to kill, given that she apparently can not kill herself. I shall seek out a more powerful means to achieve my villainous ends, and then, victory shall be mine! (exits)

Souflé (offstage):

Wait, I try again. Mario? Mario?

JRH:

Frederick, have I ever spoke of the deep longings I bear, to be recognized as the king of England?

Frederick:

Many times, sir... every hour.

JRH:

This paradox troubles my soul: To be a king, one must be born a king, and so have the grace of God to rule. Yet, I have that right, the grace of God, but I neither rule nor serve all men. It is a strange thing, is it not? To have the right but not the rule. To be and not to be king. Which am I?

Frederick:

I believe you are not, sir.

JRH:

This truth is the heart of all my troubles. What happens when the king has divine right, but nobody believes it? Can any imposter call himself ruler? Nay, I say! For I am king, and who can rule over a king?

Frederick:

The aces, sir, in many games.

JRH:

The aces?

Frederick:

I was being facetious, sir.

JRH:

Many disbelieve the truth, but why? Why, Frederick? For it is widely known that my great-great-great-grandfather’s brother’s marriage into the house of Gloucester, which, following the earlier adoption of the orphan Rubarb whose father’s mother’s sister-in-law’s aunt, though she was a foreign citizen at the time, was in fact a descendent of the Smithe family of Wales, which in a much later time period was united with the line of Dexter, who three hundred years before had diverged from the house of Lichten, which was founded by the step-brother of the great Sire Badolin, who, as every cow and peasant knows, is the illegitimate child of King Arthur, which makes me the rightful king of England!

Frederick:

It boggles the mind, sir.

JRH:

Aces... cards... I get it now. That’s rather clever.

Frederick:

I thought so too, sir.

JRH:

Oh, miserable England! Though King Edward may be gone, his son would block my rise to rule, and thus I am still doomed to a lesser fate than what I deserve. What may abate my sorrow in such times?

Frederick:

Perhaps, sir, you might be comforted by the fact that you are so rich and powerful that you might as well be king.

Mario:

Hail, most excellent sire! I bring you a very important message that I believe will please you very much.

JRH:

Speak, one who is apparently one of my loyal servants!

Mario:

I bring you word that prince Edward, the heir of the English throne, as disappeared.

JRH:

Disappeared?! Why, this is strange news if nothing else.

Mario:

I also report that Queen Maggie has left the palace, along with much of her guard, to search for him.

JRH:

Indeed?! Who is ruling fair England at this moment?

Mario:

No one! It is even said, among those who take entertainment in street talk and gossip, that any challenger to the throne could make his claim very soon.

JRH:

My opportunity may have finally come. (looks to the skies) It’s about time! (looks to Mario). However, I must ensure that these rumors are true. While I trust that such an honest-looking fellow as yourself would never deign to lie, your sources, whosoever they may be, might be incorrect. I must wait until I hear this news officially.

Mario:

I’ll be right back. I mean, I hope that fair news continues to come your way.

JRH:

The people look for a new king? The queen gone? The heir to the throne missing? How fantastic! Although, I was looking forward to attending the coronation today. No one ever invites me to parties.

Frederick:

The coronation was cancelled, sir. We received notice an hour ago.

JRH:

Interesting. Was any mention made of the missing prince?

Frederick:

No, sir.

Mario:

Most magnificent John-Richard-Henry, I have brought you today’s newspaper.

JRH:

Thank you, I do appreciate your gift.

Frederick:

I believe you are supposed to read it, sir.

Mario:

Yes, I noticed a profoundly interesting story on the front and only page.

JRH:

Of course. Excellent job, you… butler person. (Mario leaves) I wish I was better at remembering my servants’ names. That was quite embarrassing. But, the news on the prince… Ah, yes, indeed it must be true, as it has been published with 12th-century printing presses just hours after the news broke.

Frederick:

So it would seem, sir.

JRH:

Let us embark on a great enterprise, then! Rally my men! Gather my horses! To London we shall ride, and may God and St. George be at our backs! We’ll travel through the Enchanted Forest to conceal our approach, and the Yorkcaster line shall finally be redeemed!

Mario (entering, undisguised):

But there is still one who could challenge you.

JRH:

Who are you? I’ve never seen you before.

Mario:

My name is Mario, and I am defecting from the royal court to bring you good tidings.

JRH:

Oh, good tidings. Why, that is certainly good.

Mario:

I wish to warn you that Edward may return and challenge you to the throne. You can not hope to secure your rule as long as he lives.

JRH:

Aye, but what may I do? He is missing, and even his mother can not find him.

Mario:

I know of someone who may be able to dispatch him for you: a skilled assassin who can find any scoundrel and snuff the candle of his life in shadow.

JRH:

Who is this man?

Mario:

‘Tis no man, but a woman. They call her, "The Black Widow." She is known to stalk men and pretend to love them. Then she strangles them with their own affections and leads them to a nasty death.

JRH:

Excellent! Good Mario, would you please arrange a meeting with this "Black Widow", so I may commission her services?

Mario:

I shall... my king.

JRH:

"My king..." How long have I waited to hear such words!

Frederick:

You could have just asked me to call you "my king," sir… my king.

JRH:

Now, Frederick, we must not get ahead of ourselves. We have preparations to make, dynasties to topple, and an empire to claim!

Mario (to the audience):

Ah ha, the fools do not know what disaster they spell! The Yorkcasters dream to simply replace the current fools with new ones, but I have better plans in store! Let me explain the plot: this "Black Widow" assassin I have chosen is none other than the object of Edward’s affections, Lady Addyterum! (music plays: dun, dun, dun...) Now, you may ask-

(JRH enters to retrieve a letter he has left behind. Mario freezes and finds his hands in an awkward position, so he acts like he’s straightening a picture) I noticed this portrait of the family dog was a bit off-center, my lord.

JRH:

That’s my mother.

Mario:

Of course it is. (JRH leaves, and Mario goes back to the audience) You may ask how a lady of the court could possibly be an assassin. The answer is simple. She may be no assassin by normal trade, but I will persuade her to accept this role and carry out the brutal deed. I know she will obey, because I read her diary and found that she is desperately in love with John-Richard-Henry of Yorkcaster!

JRH (entering):

Yes?

Mario:

Umm... (he calls out) Hail John-Richard-Henry of Yorkcaster! (to JRH) There are some peasants outside who I felt the need to call to.

JRH:

Oh. I thank you, then.

Mario:

Are you going to be here for a while?

JRH:

No, I was just leaving.

Mario:

As I was saying, the love of Lady Addyterum shall drive her to assume the role of an assassin. However, her love shall go unrequited, for John-Richard-Henry believes, as I have made him believe, that she kills all the men that she woos. A chain of distrusts and animosities is building, which shall end in the destruction and fall of England!!!! I love this job.

Springrod (singing):

So on we strode through mud and mist,

Our spirits can’t be dampened,

For now we’re in the "Enchanted Wood"

Where magical things can happen,

Oh rumor speaks of sights and things,

Of which one should be wary,

The forest folk, the wizard, and such,

The sprites, the ghosts, and the fairies.

Edward:

What an oddity I see: a man dressed in handsome garments wandering alone in the woods. A strange sight, as unlikely as a coupling between a hare and a rabbit. I say, good sir, what news on this fine day?

Donuevo:

No news, sir, no news. The forest is as it always has been. What business brings you to the Enchanted Woods?

Edward:

We are as any man faced with the brutal phase of fortune’s eye-

Springrod:

Ahem! We are simple woodsmen, sir.

Donuevo:

Woodsmen? Men of the woods? Then you are in the right place.

Edward:

But you, gracious sir, what is your position in these gentle woods? We have introduced ourselves but I fear we still do not know your role.

Donuevo:

I am Donuevo, the lord of the forest.

Edward:

So you are a lord?

Donuevo:

Yes.

Edward:

Then, what are you doing in the forest?

Donuevo:

I’m the lord of the forest.

Edward:

Who would you lord over in a forest? The mushrooms?

Donuevo:

I have always wanted be a lord, and no one else was calling themselves the lord of the forest, so I took the title. No one has challenged me thus far. This forest, you must understand, is a rare and strange place, one feared by many others. Many who journey through here find themselves wandering around forever, never able to leave.

Edward:

Why is that so?

Donuevo:

Some say that there are ghosts and spirits around, disorienting the senses. Others say that the fairies play tricks on people. But me? I bet it’s the wizard.

Edward:

What wizard?

Donuevo:

You’ve never heard of the wizard Eraep Sekahs? He is a powerful man, who knows the future and controls the present. He lives alone, in a cave, answering the mysteries of the universe to those brave enough to approach him. I’ve been trying to find him so I can ask why there’s been so many people running around my forest lately.

Springrod:

Many people, you say? Have you seen anyone of note wandering about?

Donuevo:

No. No, not really (pause) Although, now that you mention it... There was one gentleman who seemed like he might have been someone important. I say this because he was leading some sort of army.

Springrod:

An army?!

Edward:

How good and bad fortune may come together! That we have escaped to these carefree woods, only to be pursued by a dreadful army of fearsome foes, only to meet a man noble enough to warn us about such perils!

Springrod:

Ahem! Of course, as humble woodsmen, I’m sure we have no business with this man or his army. That said, was this man’s name, perchance, John-Richard-Henry XXXVII?

Donuevo:

John-Richard-Henry XXXVII? Let me think... three X’s, one V, and two I’s... Yes, that was him. I remember him now. Strange chap, fairly unfriendly, mumbled something about killing the king...

Edward:

Killing the king?! Why, Springrod, it is now clear as the sky on a clear day!

Springrod:

Thank you, sir Donuevo. We have enjoyed your company, but we will not keep you from your lordship duties any longer. (Donuevo nods and heads off)

Edward:

If that fiend John-Richard-Henry is involved with "killing the king", than he must have killed the king my father. John-Richard-Henry’s designs for the crown have been known, but that he would murder a man so fair as my father? It grinds the soul into confetti, I say!

Springrod:

Whatever the cause surrounding your father’s death, John-Richard-Henry, who believes himself to be your enemy, is venturing through these woods as we speak and may confront us soon.

Edwards:

Egads, what hideous fate possibility may unveil! These woods, which I but a moment ago deemed fair and sweet, now feel as dark and perilous as a dark, perilous forest! What dangers may await us?

Souflé (offstage):

Edward! Edward!

Edward:

Oh, angels and ministers of grace defend me! It is that blasted French twit, princess Souflé! Noble Springrod, what action shall I take to defend myself from her? To cast her away would please my sensibilities, but I dare not offend her, for they say that heaven hath no fury like a woman scorned.

Springrod:

Ed, it’s "hell hath no fury like a woman scorned."

Edward:

Oh good gracious gratuitous grits and granola! Is it really that bad? I fear I must fly and avoid confrontation altogether. We must leave the forest and leave fair England, and sail to the scornless shores of Gibraltar, or maybe Bohemia.

Springrod:

Bohemia’s land-locked. There are no shores to sail to!

Edward:

Excellent! She won’t be able to follow us.

Souflé (still offstage):

Edward!

Edward:

The woman scorned! All is lost now, Springrod!

Springrod:

If you would just calm down for a moment, perhaps you could easily escape her clutches by hiding behind that tree, leaving me to distract your pursuer.

Edward:

A cunning plan! Noble Springrod, may a thousand praises of all the ages be bestowed upon you!

Springrod:

Just go hide. (Souflé enters) Woman, what are you doing in this frightful wood all by yourself?

Souflé:

I must find Edward. You see Prince Edward?

Springrod:

Prince Edward? The one who is prince of England?

Souflé:

Yes. I must find Edward and marry.

Springrod:

Then you are in the wrong place, my gracious lady. I, a humble lonely woodsman, have never seen Edward nor any prince out here in the Enchanted Woods. A prince such as Edward would not be found in a forest, but in a grand castle.

Souflé:

Edward is in castle? No. I check. Edward is not in castle.

Springrod:

Well, sorry, madam, but our prince is in another castle. Perhaps you should check back in France or in Bohemia.

Edward (whispering):

But we might go to Bohemia!

Springrod:

It seems to me, young lady, that this prince of yours is playing "hard to get". So you must go to a place that is very very very hard to get to, such as-

Edward (whispering):

Not Bohemia!

Souflé:

Wait, I hear something. Someone else here.

Springrod:

Nonsense, milady, what you did not hear was just the sound of wind in the trees. (He hears some bagpipes) And bagpipes.

Souflé:

Edward? (MACDONALD, a beefy Scotsman with a heavy accent enters, playing the bagpipes) Oh, not Edward.

Springrod:

A Scot? What are the chances of that? (Souflé and Springrod go to greet MacDonald) Good sir, how fairs thee on this fine day, and what brings you to these woods?

MacDonald:

Eh? What’s it to ya? (he notices Souflé) What have we here? A fine piece of work indeed.

Springrod:

Quite so. I believe that this meeting may be very fortuitous, Mr.-

MacDonald:

MacDonald. Up in Scotland they refer to me as the great "Old Man MacDonald."

Springrod:

Wait, so you’re "Old MacDonald"? (He trys to restrain himself from laughing, but Souflé just lets loose)

MacDonald:

Yeah. What’s so funny?

Souflé (singing and laughing):

Chick, chick, here, chick, chick, there...

MacDonald:

You best not be making fun of me.

Springrod:

Sir, this poor girl is delirious, and I, a humble woodsman, am not fit to deliver her home. Perhaps you could take the poor princess to her homeland, where I imagine honor and reward would be waiting for you.

MacDonald:

She’s a princess? What kind?

Springrod:

She’s French. The best kind of princess.

MacDonald:

Well, that’s all right. If she was part of the royal line of England I’d be obligated to... I don’t want you thinking I’m the violent type, but I’ve got a bit of a vendetta with the royal family.

Springrod:

Then you must be a friend of John-Richard-Henry XXVII, of Yorkcaster.

MacDonald:

Nope. He’s just another obstacle, the way I see it.

Springrod:

Interesting. I suppose we all have our conquests.

MacDonald:

I’m going to be the king of England if it kills me... which it won’t, by the way, because no man can kill Old MacDonald! (Souflé giggles)

Edward (whispering):

Springrod! I must speak to me!

Springrod:

Oh, how rude of me to hog the conversation! Princess Souflé, this is Ol’ MacDonald. Why don’t you two get acquainted while I... uh... talk to the tree over there.

MacDonald:

So that’s what they call it in England.

Springrod:

Yes, sire?

Edward:

Springrod, I fear that Scot. I believe he means me harm.

Springrod:

There’s no mistaking it: he contends you for the crown, and will have you dead.

Edward:

When irony is cruel she is vicious! That the one thing I dread the most, my fate to take up the garland of the realm, should be my undoing!

Springrod:

Personally, I think he’s a nut, but I’ll find out what mischief he’s up to by pretending to support his cause. You stay hidden!

Edward:

One more thing, friendly Springrod. It occurs to me that we have just met another militant man pledged to fight my royal line. Perhaps he is my father’s murder!

Springrod:

I suppose that is plausible. Good observation, sire. You have exceeded my minimal expectations of you.

Edward:

Springrod, your praises are too great!

Springrod:

Indeed they are. (he goes back to Souflé and MacDonald) Hello, again. If I may ask-

Souflé:

Chick, chick, here, and

Springrod:

Oh good lord, lady, it’s not even that funny! Now, sir MacDonald, I may be nothing more than a humble woodsman, but I have often wondered why no one has waged a respectable battle against the royal pretenders. I can think of a thousand reasons why they should be ousted, but what are your reasons, if I may hear them?

MacDonald:

My reason is simple: I am destined to be the king.

Springrod:

Really? Then you must be the conqueror I have been searching for all my life! I would be interested in joining your cause, as I am certain there are many others who have already done so.

MacDonald:

Nope. It’s just me against all my enemies. Let me explain something I haven’t told many people. You see this? (he hands Springrod a tiny slip of paper) Go ahead, and read the prophecies!

Springrod:

"The throne of England you should seek,

For no man alive can kill you this week. (pause, and squints at the bottom)

Okataga Fortune Cookie Company." This is your prophesy? Where did you get this?

MacDonald:

As long as I can claim the throne in the next three days, I shall fulfill my destiny and become England’s king! Amazing, ain’t it?

Springrod:

I think I’m more amazed that you found a fortune cookie in these parts, but anyways... Three days... How fortuitous that your path has been made easier. The king just died two days ago.

MacDonald:

Yep, he’s good and dead.

Springrod (trying to push the question):

He is dead by the hand of an assassin who apparently makes his way through these woods. (Souflé has gotten bored and is looking around at the trees, getting near to Edward’s hiding place) I’m sure the king’s timely death fits into your plan quite nicely. (he notices Souflé and goes to pull her downstage) Oh, my lady! Have you gotten lost again?

Souflé:

Not lost. I look for Edward.

Springrod:

I’m sure you were. Now, Mr. MacDonald, you were talking about wonderful plots to kill the king, I believe.

Souflé:

Kill?!

MacDonald:

We shouldn’t talk about killing and death around ladies. It’s not proper.

Springrod:

Then perhaps we should talk about what you’ve been doing for the past-

MacDonald:

I’m afraid I must cut our meeting short, woodsman. I must hurry to London if I am to complete my conquest on time. Lovely girl, I leave you, but come to me when I am king of England, my sweet.

(MacDonald kisses her on the hand, which repulses her. He then picks up his bagpipes and begins leaving)

Edward (shouting curses at MacDonald after he’s already left and presumably is out of earshot):

Your playing is as foul as a sooty-footed cat! What a knave! To think to acquire my rightful throne and my promised bride? Granted, I never wanted either, but-

Souflé:

Edward! (she drags him out of hiding)

Springrod:

Oh no.

Souflé:

Edward! Silly boy talk to trees! I find you. We marry now?

Edward:

Words fail me, Princess, for I am not gifted with a tongue to respond to such an offer.

Souflé (sadly):

Edward no want to marry Souflé?

Edward (to himself):

What course of action shall avoid the most ponderous of peril? What speech can I give that would soothe her temper?

Souflé:

Why Edward not marry?

Edward (aside, to Springrod):

Springrod, I fear she is becoming scorned!

Springrod:

You must tell her the truth, or her feelings will only be more deeply entrenched in this matter.

Edward:

I shall explain myself as only I know how. I shall use a metaphor so grand that it will be a cushion for her soul as it falls from the window I push her out of, from the tower of her highest hopes. Beautiful princess Souflé, you and I, are like... um... two things that can’t be together, such as-

Springrod:

Oil and water.

Edward:

Yes! As oil and water!

Souflé:

Oil? I don’t know. I don’t understand.

Edward:

I shall illustrate the point visually, as God intended. What luck that I should happen to have found a glass of water and a flask of oil behind that tree!

Springrod:

What??? I won’t even ask...

Edward:

Princess Souflé, you are this oil, and I am this glass of water. Actually, I am the water in the glass. (he pours the oil) As you can see, the oil and the water do not mix, as the good Lord did not intend for them to be together, and you and I are never to be together. (Springrod claps)

Souflé:

You water?

Edward:

Yes, I am represented by the water.

Souflé:

And I oil?

Edward:

Yes.

Souflé (excited):

I go on top?

Springrod:

Egads, the one time Eddie does a metaphor right, he’s misunderstood!

Edward:

Springrod, I fear this wench does not comprehend my example correctly.

Springrod:

We’re going to have to try something more subtle. Princess, look over there!

Souflé:

Edward? Oh!

Stupid cheap matches! Ooh!

JRH:

That’s the last time we take directions from anyone who calls himself "Lord of the Forest." Oh, brutal futility! Shall we never find our way through this thick of trees? We are lost, Frederick, and have failed to find the honest Mario, who promised to introduce me to the deadly assassin he had spoke of.

Frederick:

Perhaps now that you have reminded us of that, sir, he will appear.

JRH:

What luck is this? Just as I had thought of him, he appears! Come, Frederick, and help me judge his companion. We must sound out this assassin to make sure she is fit for the job. Her methods of death by seduction seem intriguing, though highly unorthodox. (Calling out) At last we meet! What ho, friends?

Addy (intentionally playing on the pun):

Ho? I am no ho.

JRH:

Mario, what manner of man, er... woman is this? This can not be the famed assassin, "The Black Widow", is it?

Mario:

It is, my lord.

JRH:

Then I greet you, Black Widow.

Addy:

Please call me "Addy", my dearest lord.

JRH:

"Addy?" I suppose that such a moniker is more melodious, but the image it conjures is not as impressive as "The Black Widow." Well, let it be, I shall call you Addy. My first purpose here is to gauge your commitment. Let us have it then: Addy, do you love me? (note that this is used in the royal, plutonic sense, not in a romantic sense)

Addy (taken aback):

Why, my lord, you are so direct…

JRH:

If I am to be king than all must love me, and those whose support I call upon now must already love me as their king.

Addy:

I do love you.

Frederick:

I love you too, sir.

JRH:

I sense no lie in your voice, Addy, but only heartfelt sincerity. I will not doubt your devotion. However, I have not been extensively briefed as to your past experience. Have you killed many, Addy?

Addy:

Yes, of course. I have killed many.

JRH:

How many?

Addy:

Have you ever heard of something called "The Black Plague"?

JRH:

Yes!

Addy:

That was me.

JRH:

Incredible! And to think we blamed it on the rats. You must have more experience than any other killer alive, dead, or unborn! "The Black Plague" must have accounted for at least one hundred deaths!

Frederick:

25 million in 5 years, sir.

JRH:

Don’t interrupt, Frederick.

Frederick:

I am sorry, sir.

JRH:

Now, Addy... I’m sorry, but do we have to call you Addy? "The Black Widow" sounded so much more ominous. (Addy sighs) "The Black Plague" would also be acceptable.

Addy:

If your grace will have it so.

JRH:

I shall. Mario has told me of your unconventional method of killing. Do you kill all your victims that way?

Addy:

Um... (she looks to Mario for a hint, who nods) More or less.

JRH:

Really? And you have no qualms?

Addy:

No, none at all. I perform my work with great passion. I’ve even taken jobs against women and children. (Mario slaps his forehead)

JRH:

How perverse. What means shall you use against Prince Edward? A dagger, or a rope, or perhaps a candlestick?

Addy:

I shall use... this poison, my lord. (she pulls out a bottle of perfume)

JRH:

Ah, how clever of you to hide your poison in a perfume bottle. It is even scented!

Addy:

I have always believed that the best weapons are the ones that no one can detect.

JRH:

You are not only resolute and skilled, but clever as well. I believe you shall be well-suited for this job. I need you to hunt down and eliminate my rival to the throne, Prince Edward. What payment shall you require for this task?

Addy:

Only your affection, my lord. That is all I ask.

JRH:

You shall have my love, as all those who support me shall. When the time comes, whatever land or title you would wish shall be yours. Is this satisfactory?

Addy (resigning):

Yes.

JRH:

Than we part, and leave you to your delightful murderous plots.

Addy (after a pause):

I must be straight with you, my lord, as I fear I have not been so thus far. When I say "I love you", I mean I love you with all my life, as the heifer loves the bull. For many years I yearned for your affection, but I hid behind the fear that you could not reciprocate my feelings. Now I have seen the future, and that future lies with you, a king, with I by your side as your queen. I must pursue this dream. Let me know that my reward lies in thus and not in land or titles. It is the only way I can continue to believe in this vision. (pause) Can you speak, my lord? Can you bid me an answer?

JRH:

I... can not give you an answer... now. We must wait until Edward is deceased.

Addy:

But may I live in hope?

JRH:

All women I hope live so.

Addy:

I shall report back when the deed is done. My poison can not fail.

JRH:

What think you, Mario? Could she be earnest? I long to believe her, for she is beautiful, passionate, and clever. Yet I know that many men... and women and children... have believed such tales of love before and fallen into death. What thinkest thou?

Mario:

My lord, I dare not speak ill of any lady, especially one so good at her trade of deception and murder.

JRH:

I wish to believe that all she said were true, but I must keep my guard watchful. We must be wary of those who claim to be true allies.

Mario:

Indeed we must. We shall meet again, my lord.

Edward:

Our journey seems fraught with one oddity after another, as though we trekked the path of Odysseus. This is a man I know only too well: the honest Mario. Should I address him? Though I hold the man in regard reserved for... people held in high regard, he remains a servant of my mother. I can not hold back but to reason that he has been sent here to retrieve me. Why else is he here?

Springrod:

And why is he just standing there laughing maniacally?

Edward:

He must have stumbled upon a great bout of humor while alone in the forest. That settles it! My enterprise lies in addressing him, for I must know the cause of his joyous disposition.

Springrod:

Ed, I don’t think that’s such a good idea.

Edward:

Noble Mario, how fairs thee on this fair day?

Mario (caught off guard):

I was not aware that you and your companion were in this pleasant grove, here where we are.

Edward:

We observed you in a great fit of jollity. Come, share the cause of your humor with us.

Mario:

Oh, that. I was simply thinking about one of my favorite riddles.

Edward:

Well, out with it. Let us have it.

Mario:

Here goes: Why did the chicken cross the road?

Edward:

This is a strange riddle, for much remains unknown. Does the chicken cross the road of his own free will?

Mario:

Um… It doesn’t matter.

Edward:

Perhaps you are right, for we have not even established that the chicken is in fact alive, or if he is even a chicken.

Springrod:

We know he’s a chicken, the joke tells us so.

Edward:

Ah, but perhaps this is an allegory. The chicken represents the collective human soul, trying to cross a road.

Springrod:

What does the road represent?

Edward:

It’s just a road.

To cross or not to cross? That is the question.

Whether ‘tis nobler in the bird’s eye,

To bear the bore and tedium of outrageous sidewalks,

Or to take steps across the road of troubles,

And by crossing, be at the other side?

For who would stay where he is when he himself,

Might his crossing make at a bare crosswalk?

He ponders whether he will leave his ills

To fly to others he knows not of on the other side.

To cross, to walk, no more.

Then it occurs to him: what if there is no other side,

And what dreams may come may not come at all?

What if this side is all he has?

Thus, conscience does make cowards of us all,

As we sit on one side, too "chicken" to cross the road.

Springrod:

That’s beautiful, Ed.

Edward:

I thought as much. Is this the answer to your riddle, Mario?

Mario:

Yes. That was exactly what I was thinking of.

Edward:

Excellent. Why is that funny?

Mario:

It is a rather sophisticated joke, but come, tell me of your adventures, as I am sure you have had many,

Edward:

Indeed we have, and now we flee from the most fearful adversary any man could have.

Mario:

What foe is this?

Edward:

Princess Souflé. I fear she will never stop tracking me. I have tried everything. I even showed her visibly by using oil and water.

Mario:

Oil and water?

Springrod:

It’s really not worth getting into.

Mario:

Perhaps I may offer a simple token of my counsel.

Edward:

Your counsel is always welcome upon my ears, Mario.

Mario:

Then hear this: to lose the trail of the princess, you must convince her that you are completely inaccessible to her.

Edward:

She would not consider me such unless I were in a grave, and even then I’m not certain (he shudders).

Mario:

Nay, there is another method. If you were married to another woman, she would be forced to drop her pursuit. No princess would dare subplot the blessed bonds of holy matrimony, and since everyone knows that marriage lasts forever, she would have to abandon all hope.

Edward:

Who would I commit myself to marry?

Mario:

There is one who walks these woods who cares deeply for thee. Lady Addyterum is a frequent wanderer of these parts, and I know that her heart yearns only for you, Edward.

Edward:

Can it be? Does the desire of mine eyes turn back to reflect upon them? Mario, dost thou speak true? Of course thou must. If anything can be true, so must this be! Thank you, Mario. I will find my lady, and thus be rid of Souflé.

Mario:

Here she comes now. (aside to audience) How convenient. (to Edward) I wish not to interfere, and thus, I leave you to your own.

Edward:

There she stands, Springrod! What words shall I use? What verse shall I recite that may entwine the heart of my beloved? I wish I knew what she felt right now, waiting over there on stage right.

Addy:

To kill, or not to kill? This ruse I have taken, posing as an assassin, I used merely to obtain the fair glance of my love, sir John-Richard-Henry XXXVII. This allowed me to approach him and proclaim my love, but to advance further it seems that I must perform the wicked deed to which I am employed. While it may serve my designs, I think I can not do this. I must not, for murder most foul would surely stain my name. I shall discard this poison I sought to use against Edward. Not that it was actually poison, but I shall discard it anyway as a symbolic gesture. (She turns to dump out the "poison". Mario sneaks over and leaves a dagger where she will find it and then hides nearby.)

Edward:

Think you, Springrod, that I should approach her? It seems that we are waiting here for a very long time, doing nothing.

Addy:

What illusion is this I see? Is this a dagger I see before me, the handle towards my hand? (She turns away and blinks several times, as if she expects the dagger to disappear. Mario realizes that the handle is not towards her hand, so he quickly reaches out and flips it.) It is still there! This is no phantom at all. What a strange sign this is! This simple and seemingly inconsequential object must cause me to re-examine my thoughts. Now, let us consider: If Edward is a marked man, chosen by the rich and powerful to die, than die he shall, whether by my hand or another. His death is inevitable. Is it not best then, that he die by the hand of one who does not hate him, than by one who does? And is it not best that his death should gain another her true love, than to simply be for naught? Why yes, it is. I must do this!

Edward:

She approaches, Springrod. She is walking this way!

Springrod:

Very slowly and nervously, I may add.

Edward:

Addy, is it true what is said of you?

Addy (stopping in her tracks, afraid):

What is said of me?

Edward:

It is said that you love me, and desire my love in return, as is often the nature of love.

Addy (relieved):

Why yes, my lord, that is true. I am yours if you will have me. You are the one object of my affection. You are my day, my life.

Edward:

So am I to you! Or, you to me… however that works.

Addy:

I... I wish... I pray you, send your companion away. For I wish to confess my true feelings to you and you alone.

Edward:

Springrod, leave us be.

Addy:

Edward, your rugged fairness is comparable to the gods themselves.

Springrod:

A dagger? What evil is afoot here?

Addy:

Could you turn that way, my lord? (She turns Edward, who is so swept away that he doesn’t even seem to be paying attention, and then readies her dagger. Then time stops, with her dagger in mid-strike, and Springrod ready to pounce, such that he freezes while balancing on one foot.) Wait. I can not do such a deed. I am not the foul beast I have pretended to be!

So am I to now abandon my plan, and forsake all hope of gaining the affection of John-Richard-Henry XXXVII? It seems foolish to quit now, but perhaps I may take a different path. John-Richard-Henry need not see the body, so perhaps I could win his love without actually committing the deadly deed. Instead, I shall take Edward’s belt, bearing the royal crest, and use it as proof of a job completed.

With this, I shall win my lord’s love. Ah, but what when he discovers that Edward lives, as he very well may? Perhaps I shall simply explain that Edward was too strong for my poison, and although he appeared dead, he recovered. If our love is true, then such a failure would be forgiven. And if he can not forgive, then our love was not meant to be.

Now, where was I?

Springrod:

Look lively, my lord!

Edward:

What is the matter, Springrod?

Springrod:

This false lover, this deceitful Medusa, means to murder you with her words of soft affection.

Edward:

Let her do so, for I very well like her words.

Springrod:

I mean that she is distracting you with her charms while seeking to put a dagger in your back.

Edward:

A dagger? (he looks to Addy) I see no dagger.

Springrod:

My lord, I saw her ready to strike!

Edward:

My friend Springrod! I know not what has affected thy mind to conjure such dreams, but I beg you, be rid of them. This woman is of the sweetest variety! How can you slander her name with such concoctions of the imagination?

Springrod:

Edward, I tell you: this foul wench means to murder!

Edward:

Enough, enough! I will hear no more wretched talk to disgrace my love. This woman is my love, and I will not have her insulted! Will you withdraw your rude complaints and apologize?

Springrod:

I can not.

Edward:

Oh, it grieves me that it should come to this! Springrod, I must send you hence forth, never to cross my sight again, for your insults bear as heavily on my soul as the guilt of misplaced judgment would. Away with thee! Away!

Springrod:

It is with sorrow that I leave thee. For what fondness you still keep of me, heed this warning: beware of those you meet under strange circumstance.

Edward:

Now, I do ask thee, fair Addy, to continue.

Addy:

I can not. I am not who you think I am.

Edward:

What means thou by this? Will you not stay? And why do you have my belt?

Addy:

I must go, not for your fault, but for my own shame. I can not hurt you any more. Goodbye.

Edward:

Well, that was an unfortunate turn of events, was it not, Springrod? Springrod? Oh, shit.

So far we seem to have gotten nowhere. We have seen no sign of Edward, that foolish princess remains lost as well, and word has reached me of John-Richard-Henry’s advance toward London. I don’t think this could get any worse, or any sillier. (Mario enters) Mario, where hast thou been?

Mario:

Merely scouting the forest. I am afraid that I have nothing to report. It seems your son is well hidden.

Maggie:

What of John-Richard-Henry? I have heard that he marches towards London as we speak!

Mario:

May I never be called an honest man! I had no knowledge of this incredible and unbelievably shocking news. Are you sure it is true?

Maggie:

Of course I’m sure! Have I ever been unsure of anything?

Edward:

Oh no! Mother!

MacDonald:

The only one I fear! Only now does my strength disappear…

Edward:

She means to force me to become king.

MacDonald:

I know what to do!

MacDonald and Edward (in synchrony):

I must disguise myself!

Maggie:

Mario, how can it be that John-Richard-Henry grows a spine at the worst of all possible times?

Mario:

Perhaps he was informed of your son’s disappearance and sensed an opportunity.

Maggie:

How could this be? We kept that knowledge secret.

Mario:

This is unknown. But, if we may use our wits we may discover that there are few fitting explanations. The news is new, is it not? Too sudden for rumor to carry. This indicates that spies, eyes of the enemy, are among us. It may be that some rascal, some treacherous fiend who cares neither for god nor country, some foul-blooded traitor and all-around no-good-nik, has carried the news to John-Richard-Henry’s ears.

Maggie:

If that is true, then we must find this traitor at once and have him beheaded! No... that’s not harsh enough. The traitor shall be double-beheaded, I say.

Mario:

Double-beheaded? How does that work?

Maggie:

Think about it.

Mario:

I try not to.

Maggie:

Of all things I hate, and there are many, treachery is one that I abhor the most.

Mario:

Then let us be watchful, and suspect even those closest to us, such that we may find the knave.

Maggie:

Wait a minute, who is that behind those trees?

Could it be? Has he finally come back? (Calling to Edward dressed as MacDonald) MacDonald, you wretched man, how could you not write me?

MacDonald and Edward:

Huh?

Maggie:

I deemed our cause lost, as my heart turned to stone. Do you know what our separation has done to me?

Edward:

What’s this all about?

Maggie:

Now you claim to have you lost all memory of me? You could not have not forgotten how you left me: shattered, bitter, and broken. Time has hardly mended me, MacDonald. You can not apologize for what you have done. Please take me back! (She embraces Edward)

Edward:

Mother!

Maggie:

You mock my age, do you? You are a heartless scoundrel, and have become more so with the passing of the ages. And no longer quite so fat, I see.

MacDonald:

Now, just one minute! I was never fat! I-

Maggie:

Edward? There you are, you naughty little boy! (to Edward) Excuse me, but I must berate our son.

Edward (horrified):

What?!

MacDonald:

Son? Now, that can’t be right.

Maggie:

Now, you listen to me! (She grabs MacDonald’s ear and drags him upstage) I will not hear your protests, your whining, or anything else you have to say! You will behave yourself, or you will be sent to your room with no dessert for the rest of eternity! Do you understand me? (She continues dragging him)

MacDonald:

Ouch! Maggie, I mean, whatever I’m supposed to call you... do you have to hurt me?

Maggie:

Yes! (Edward has been watching in terror. Now Maggie comes to him and grabs him firmly by the hand) Now, MacDonald, will you not come with me? I shan’t let you escape again. I mean it this time (She tightens her grip on both of them).

MacDonald:

She never gives up.

Maggie:

Quiet you!

MacDonald:

Ouch! That does it!

Mario:

Are you OK, my lady?

Maggie:

That awful son of mine! When did he get so big and strong?

Mario:

I have no idea, but I think I saw him running off... (he looks to where Edward is, who is pleading with Mario not to reveal him) this way. Yes, right this way. (He leads her offstage, giving a thumbs-up to Edward)

Edward: (to himself)

It is good to have someone as reliable as Mario on my side. To think that for a moment, when I saw him with my mother, I supposed he had worked against me.

MacDonald:

Now, who the bloody hell are you?

Edward:

Had I the rough nature of... a ruffian, I would not use such harsh language. My identity is of no importance. My mother, I mean, the queen, I mean, that lady (actually, I guess "the queen" would do fine)… The queen appears to be seeking me out, and you as well. Do you know why?

MacDonald:

Nope.

Edward:

Perhaps we should procure disguises, so that she will not recognize us any more. I’ve got what we need right here. (He opens his cloak to reveal a pair of fake beards and glasses and hands a set to MacDonald)

Souflé:

Edward!

Edward:

Oh crimony of crimson! She has found- I mean, not that I have anything to fear, being someone who is not Prince Edward and in fact completely unfamiliar with this girl.

Souflé:

I find you!

MacDonald:

The French Princess!

Edward (suddenly jealous, but trying not to show it):

Well, it is fortunate that this mysterious doppelganger should appear. Maybe she will leave me alone and take him instead. Grrr... I can not stand to watch anymore.

MacDonald:

That was rather sweet. I see you’ve followed me through these woods.

Souflé:

Yes, I follow 'til we marry, Edward.

MacDonald:

Oh no, Miss. My name’s MacDonald. Remember? Chick chick here, and… Ah, the disguise!

Souflé:

You not Edward! You fake! Oh, I betray the true Edward.

MacDonald:

Holy sweet anachronism! I’m leaving this crazy lass alone. Wait for me, young lad!

Souflé:

What is this anyway?

Frederick:

We are making progress towards London, sir.

JRH:

How can you be so sure, Frederick? How could any soul know which direction is which, lost in these perilous woods?

Frederick:

I can tell our direction by the sun, sir.

JRH:

Frederick, it is not wise to place our trust in foolish superstitions. Worship of the sun is a foul and outdated pagan tradition.

Frederick:

If you say so, sir.

JRH:

What strange contraption is that? Frederick, bring it to me. It appears to be some French device. Some useless ornament, perhaps?

Frederick:

I think it has a use, sir.

JRH:

I am amazed. With no lordship or nobility to your name, you just felled that poor eagle!

Frederick:

That’s an albatross, sir.

JRH:

This machine may enable the common man to rise against us, or me (as the case may be). Frederick, let us never speak of it again!

Frederick:

If you insist, sir.

JRH:

It is our friend, "The Black Widow."

Addy:

Addy.

JRH:

Right. "The Black Widow," also known as Addy. What have you to say, Black Widow?

Addy:

I have done as you wished. By venturing through these perilous woods, I located your enemy, Prince Edward.

JRH:

Exceptional! What happened when you met?

Addy:

I seduced him with words so pleasing that even the wisest could not turn away.

JRH:

And he fell for it?

Addy:

He did. He knew nothing of my plans for him.

JRH:

So it is done?

Addy:

Yes, I am done. I have brought you his belt as proof of the deed.

JRH (examining the belt):

The royal crest!

Addy:

My lord, may I ask of you what you think of me now?

JRH:

I must say I am impressed. Did he die well?

Addy:

Well, my lord...

JRH:

He did? I am glad to here it.

Addy:

As I am glad to hear your approval. I beg of you, my lord, to speak unto me as you would-

JRH:

Did you use the poison, or something more traditional? Come, I long to hear the details.

Addy:

I like not to dwell on my sins past. I wish to move beyond this, and speak on what we may share together. You promised me that I could live in hope.

JRH:

I did. I suppose we could discuss that at some time fitting, which is not now nor the future.

Addy:

Why are you so cold, my lord? Am I so repulsive unto you that you would continue to send me away?

JRH:

If you must know, I have reason to... suspect.

Addy:

Suspect what?

JRH:

As an assassin, I respect thee greatly, and would give unto thee whatever earthly rewards required to make payment for your services. However, you are a woman who uses her affections falsely, to not only mislead men, but to lead them to their deaths. Such would be honored and praised so long as the service is loyal, but to be a lover? It can not be. For I can not think of thee as a wife so long as I know that affection is a tool of your deadly trade.

Addy:

I can not dispute with your sentiments, but I must ask how you would react under different circumstances. Would you take me if I were not an assassin and had not killed a soul in my life? Do you consider me worthy in all other respects?

JRH:

I suppose I might.

Addy:

Would you, or would you not?

JRH:

I suppose... Yes, yes I would.

Addy:

Then take me, my lord, for I am no killer. What you thought of me before, put aside, and renew your vision of me as your tender innocent wife.

JRH:

I don’t understand. What do you mean when you say you are no killer?

Addy:

I mean to say that I have not killed.

JRH:

But you just killed Prince Edward.

Addy:

Edward lives as of this very moment.

JRH:

And all those victims of the Black Plague?

Addy:

Well, they’re still dead.

Frederick:

I think she means that she had lied previously, sir.

JRH:

Indeed! I had not fathomed that such treachery could lie deep within a lady who on the outside appeared to be an honest killer of woman and children. You must have not only lied to me, but also to Mario! How could you deceive such an honest and honorable man as Mario?

Addy:

The idea was his!

JRH:

Enough! I will not hear any more of your lies, lying woman! Away with you! Away, or death shall be your reward! If Edward lives, than I must seek him out myself. However, since my plans may have been revealed, I must have the ability to travel undetected. Disguises, Frederick!

Frederick:

Here is your favorite outfit, sir.

JRH:

Excellent. Disguise yourself as well, Frederick.

Addy:

"Hello, my name is Bob"?

Frederick:

I don’t know why I bother.

Addy:

Tell me, Frederick, why does your lord spurn me? (There is a long pause, and Frederick smirks, in a rare show of delight) Tell me, Bob, why does your lord spurn me?

Frederick:

I think it may be that you suddenly changed your identity and revealed that you had tricked him.

Addy:

Alas, I have done everything wrong. But was there anything right that could have been done? Had I not told him the truth, he would have rejected me, for he feared me. Had I not played the part necessary to gain his audience in the first place, I would not have even been afforded the opportunity to be rejected. It makes one wonder at the futility of it all.

Frederick:

You still have time. There are ways to prevail, one way or another.

Addy:

There is nothing left for me to do. Your lord would kill me before he looked at me softly.

"Hello, my name is Rachel." You’ve got to be joking.

Frederick:

I wish I was.

JRH:

If my own father saw me now, he would not call me son.

Frederick:

Nobody would, sir.

JRH:

Who are you? Bob? I’ve never seen you before. What is your business in these parts?

Frederick:

It is me, your attendant Frederick, sir. I’ve disguised myself as a guy named Bob.

JRH:

Incredible! I can not believe it! Are you certain you are not Bob?

Frederick:

Positive, sir.

JRH:

I beg your pardon, strange lady Rachel, I did not see you. What fate brings you out here to these most unfriendly woods?

Addy:

I... I’m with Bob.

JRH:

Indeed. Well, I dare not leave such fine people stranded here alone. Bob, Rachel, follow me.

Frederick:

No, sir, it’s me. I’m... oh, never mind.

Edward:

Oh, come with me, and you shall see,

The strange encounters I have said,

The many folk I’ve had to meet,

All competing for my head,

Now though we’re in the wilderness,

The wild place of beasts and bees,

It seems that, against likeliness,

There are more people here than trees.

Hey! Merrily, merrily ho!

Stopping for nothing wherever we go,

Hey! Merrily, merrily ho!

Pick up the pace, we’re too slow,

Now look at this, that I should spot,

A very handsome, pretty sight,

This is the finest of the lot,

Oh, dance for me, kind lady sprite!

JRH:

Um... OK. I guess that is what we sprites do.

Chorus:

Hey! Merrily, merrily ho!

Stopping for nothing wherever we go,

Hey! Merrily, merrily ho!

Pick up the pace, we’re too slow,

JRH:

I am a pretty fairy thing,

Laughing spirit, full of wit,

All complete with magic wings,

(pant, pant) Can we slow this down a bit?

Everyone Else:

No!

Chorus:

Hey! Merrily, merrily ho!

Stopping for nothing wherever we go,

Hey! Merrily, merrily ho!

Pick up the pace, we’re too slow,

Addy:

My name is Rachel,

Frederick:

And I’m Bob

Together:

Our name tags say so, thus it’s true,

Addy:

And though I find this rather odd,

Frederick:

It made sense in Act 3, Scene 2.

Chorus:

Hey! Merrily, merrily ho!

Stopping for nothing wherever we go,

Hey! Merrily, merrily ho!

Pick up the pace, we’re too slow,

Mario:

And now I’ve come to speak my part,

For it’s said I act bitterly,

Though many’ve given me their hearts,

I’d like to have them literally!

Chorus:

Hey! Merrily, merrily ho!

Stopping for nothing wherever we go,

Hey! Merrily, merrily ho!

Pick up the pace, we’re too slow,

Maggie:

Mario, now what have you found? And what in God’s name are all you people doing here? Forget I asked. Have any of you seen my worthless son, Prince Edward? No? Well, hear this: whoever turns him in shall receive a small but very honorable title of land.

Edward:

Ooh! A title of land!

Maggie:

I will have the traitor brought to justice, I say! There is a conspiracy afoot here, and while John-Richard-Henry XXXVII moves towards London, another force grows to seize the crown from our other flank! There is only one explanation for Edward’s disappearance alongside that of Princess Souflé. Clearly, they have banded together to sell out England and lead France to conquer us all!

JRH:

Those French bastards! They plan to make us eat snails!

Addy:

Think you that this is true, Bob? I didn’t notice that French girl near Edward last I saw him.

Frederick:

You mean back when you weren’t killing him?

Addy:

Shush!

Edward:

I knew that girl was bad news! Wait a minute... This plot doesn’t make any sense!

Maggie (interrupting the babbling):

By all that is holy I call upon every citizen to find them and bring them to justice! My rule shall go unchallenged, be it by Yorkcasters, Frenchies, or unfriendly relatives!

MacDonald:

Don’t forget the Scot.

Maggie:

Whatever.

Edward:

What hope is there for a man when all hope has deserted him? None, I guess. I have lost my companion, Springrod, I have lost my dear Addy, and now even my wretched mother has named me a traitor. I stand all alone on the plains of solitude. Is there not one soul who would stand by me? Not one? I have no faction, I have no allies, there is nothing left of me. Do you hear that, fiends? There is nothing left! There is nothing for you to take and I have nothing left to lose! What do you want of me now?! (he strips off his disguise)

Addy:

Edward!

Edward:

Rachel? (Addy takes off her name tag) Addy? My dearest Addy! I did not see you there before. But where did Rachel go?

Addy:

Edward, I want to help you. I was also betrayed and left alone. What I once thought great has since become ignoble. However, in this midst of darkness, you stand, possibly the only honest man left. I will not see you slandered and defeated.

Edward:

As so the sun shines through the dampness! No longer am I alone and vulnerable, but I have my love Addy to protect me! But Addy, there are so many things I don’t understand. Why is everyone trying to kill me? Who could have possibly led my mother to believe I am a traitor? What does this have to do with my father’s mysterious death? Why are eggs considered dairy products?

Addy:

There must be someone who can answer your questions...

Donuevo (as a flashback):

Eraep Sekahs is a powerful man, who knows the future and controls the present. He lives alone, in a cave, answering the mysteries of the universe to those brave enough to approach him.

Edward:

Of course! Donuevo, lord of the forest, can help me!

Donuevo:

No, you idiot, this flashback is supposed to remind you about the wizard Eraep Sekahs.

Edward:

Oh. Then I know whom we must seek. Come, this way!

Who am I supposed to seek?

Donuevo:

Eraep Sekahs.

Edward:

Thanks.

Wait, can you write that down for me?

Donuevo:

I suppose. This is a lot more than most flashbacks would do, you realize.

Edward:

I’m sorry, lord Donuevo, but that’s such a hard name to remember.

Donuevo:

No need to apologize. I am not the actual physical Donuevo, but a figment of your imagination created by your memory. We memories are simply born into a life of servitude.

Addy:

Edward, what are you doing? Do you know where we are going yet?

Edward:

Yes, we’re going to find (reads) Ee-Rah-Eep... How do you pronounce this?

Donuevo:

Eraep Sekahs.

Edward:

Eraep Sekahs. Come Addy, and let us find this mysterious gentleman!

Addy:

Who is this Eraep Sekahs? What manner of man would live in this wretched cave?

Edward:

A man so powerful that the civilized life can not contain him.

Addy:

That doesn’t make any sense. If he’s so powerful, why doesn’t he live someplace that’s accessible to potential clients so that he can actually capitalize on his skills? Why would wizards live in strange caves and distant islands? They’re rather useless if no one can ever find them. This often leads me to the conclusion that they must be the work of legend.

Edward:

A legend is just what we need right now!

Addy:

I suppose…

Eraep Sekahs:

Who enters my domain? State your names!

Edward:

My name, as all men must have a name, and nary a man in Christendom-

Addy:

His name is Edward. Mine is Addy.

Eraep Sekahs:

What is it that you seek?

Edward:

I must know what has happened to my life. For once was I a prince, a son of kings, and, well, I guess I still am, but I have also become the subject of many foul plots and accusations.

Eraep Sekahs:

Ah ha! You are Prince Edward!

Edward:

How did you know?!

Eraep Sekahs:

I have been expecting you, and now that you are here, there is someone that you must meet. Come, but beware, for what you will see may daunt your senses and baffle your mind. Come forth, spirit from beyond the grave!

Edward:

I say, who are you? (pause) It speaks to me not.

Eraep Sekahs:

You must approach. You must show that you have no fear.

Edward:

I feel an icy hand clench my throat as I look upon him. Is this phantom a benefactor or enemy?

Eraep Sekahs:

Approach and see!

Edward:

He looks as pale and insubstantial as a shadow, elusive and vaporous as the logic of governments.

Eraep Sekahs:

Approach!

Edward:

Dare I approach? For to contact such apparitions, be they family or be they friends or be they random strangers who just want to talk, is to circumvent the natural order of things. Oh, the dilemma I feel, which- (he has been pulled right in front of the ghost) Oh! Hello there.

Ghost:

Edward! I... am your father.

Edward:

No! That’s impossible!

Ghost:

Search your feelings, you know it to be true.

Edward:

Oh, I guess I do. I really should have seen this coming.

Ghost:

You are not as alone as you perceive yourself to be. Ally with those true friends who love you, and fight back against your enemies.

Edward:

How will I know my enemies?

Ghost:

You can always start with those who have sworn to kill you, of which, unfortunately, there are many. I’m not quite sure how you got yourself into this mess, but whatever. The point is that you need to stand up against your foes.

Edward:

Don’t leave me! As quickly as this ghost appears, he vanishes!

Ghost:

Hang on. I just wanted to get something from the other room.

Take up this sword, and use it to cut your path through your enemies. Do this for me. OK, now I’m going to disappear.

Edward:

There is one more thing that I must know: who killed you?

Ghost:

It is not time for you to know the answer to that question.

Edward:

I see. (pause) How about now?

Ghost:

Sigh… OK, now I’m really going to disappear.

Edward:

I must do as the ghost of my father has instructed me. I must prepare to fight. If only fate had afforded me allies to help me in this quest.

Eraep Sekahs:

You have allies, even if you can not see them.

Edward:

Addy?

Addy:

Woah, I’m still trying to figure this all out.

Eraep Sekahs

There is another, one who’s devotion runs deep, that came to me earlier.

Edward:

It must be my good friend Springrod! (Souflé enters)

Souflé:

Edward! (She clings lovingly to Edward)

Edward:

Perhaps I don’t need many allies after all…

Springrod:

Hello, fine folk, I don’t suppose you have… Edward? -and you!(points to Addy) –and –and you! (points to Souflé) –and… (he points to Sekahs) I don’t know who you are but I’ll point at you anyway.

Edward:

Springrod, you have come to rejoin me!

Springrod:

Rejoin you? I was just looking for shelter from the rain. As soon as I got to this part of the woods it started pouring.

Addy:

It would seem that this is not a coincidence, but some work of fate, that we meet together at this time.

Springrod:

Slow down a bit. What’s going on here?

Edward:

Perhaps we’d better go back a little. Mr. Sekahs, bring back my father.

Eraep Sekahs:

Your father is dead, Edward.

Edward:

He was just here.

Eraep Sekahs:

Nonsense. It was a dream you had.

Addy:

You summoned him!

Eraep Sekahs:

I am also part of the dream. In fact, you can’t even see me. (He pauses, and then attempts to disappear offstage) Whoosh! (He trips and falls into the wings) Can I get some help here?

Edward:

Why it is so clear now! Eraep Sekahs was nothing more than a spirit.

Eraep Sekahs (offstage):

Help, I’ve fallen and I can’t get up!

Edward:

Come friends, we must put aside what differences we had and unite against our foes.

Springrod:

So you’re challenging John-Richard-Henry and MacDonald?

Addy:

And his mother.

Springrod:

How? Never mind, I don’t want to know.

Eraep Sekahs (offstage):

Hello, anyone? Edward? Springrod? Stage hand?

There was a time when I asked myself why,

I pursue the course of life that I have set upon.

Why should I not be contented with what pleasures I have?

Why must I plot against and lie to those who bid me well?

Why play a villain when I might be a lover?

Because it’d be damn boring, that’s why!

To take fortune as it comes, never daring to change it,

Playing melodious parts of contentment,

Is a path that I would never choose, but rather,

The route of fiendish and implausible machinations.

I’d best leave now before things get hot,

When Maggie and Yorkcaster meet at this spot.

Maggie (about JRH):

I suppose they couldn’t call this the Enchanted Forest without some of those stupid fairies running around.

JRH:

I take great offense at that remark! I am a sprite, not a fairy.

Maggie:

What’s the difference?

JRH:

Well, for one… I can not tell you, dear lady, for such secrets are only to be known by sprites.

Frederick:

Brilliant, sir.

Maggie:

OK… Can you tell me what you have seen in these woods, or is that also a secret not meant for mortal ears? I much desire to know where my son, Prince Edward, has been, as well as any information on John-Richard-Henry’s march to London.

JRH:

John-Richard-Henry, you say? Why would you care about him? Is he a friend of yours?

Maggie:

No, he is not! John-Richard-Henry is the most disgusting, vile, vomit-inducing shape of man that ever walked the earth!

JRH:

Weren’t you once his lover?

Maggie:

What? Never! Me with a Yorkcaster? Impossible! Well, maybe once… for a few weeks… in Junior High. It doesn’t matter, for I left John-Richard-Henry for a more respectable man long ago. I have forgotten him.

Frederic:

This is starting to make a lot of sense.

Maggie:

Who are you?

Frederic:

I’m a guy named Bob.

Maggie:

That’s all well and fine, but what are you doing with this fairy?

JRH:

Sprite!

Maggie:

Shut up. You’re the only one who cares about that distinction.

Frederic:

Now that you mention it, I’ve been trying to rid myself of the blasted thing.

Maggie:

Why don’t you have those guards of yours chase it off? Speaking of which, you have quite an army following you… Wait a minute, these troops wear the sigil of the house of Yorkcaster!

Frederic:

No… you are mistaken. The Yorkcaster sigil is blue on red. Ours is cobalt on crimson.

Maggie:

Indeed…

Mario:

Here she is, the queen of England herself! Most honorable lady, seeing as how our country’s enemies increase with every passing moment, I have brought us another ally. This man, the great MacDonald, wishes to join your cause!

Maggie:

MacDonald! Is this true? Have you returned to my side?

MacDonald:

I have, my queen. Your honorable messenger Mario has persuaded me to join your cause.

Maggie:

Excellent! With MacDonald’s strength, and the sheer numbers of Bob’s army-

JRH:

Halt a moment! What assumption is that?

Maggie:

Oh don’t mind him, he’s just a fairy.

MacDonald:

Looks more like a sprite to me.

JRH:

Thank you! But on the note of my initial objection, Bob and I would like to know what you are planning.

Maggie:

Since all of you present seem loyal and worthy enough (either that or my standards have been lowered), I propose that we eliminate my treacherous and worthless son, such that I may return to the throne as the unchallenged Queen.

JRH:

It seems that an opportunity to seize all my aims at once has presented itself.

MacDonald:

Once Edward, the heir to the throne is eliminated, there will be less to hinder my conquest.

JRH:

For glory, right, and power, I think I must accept her proposal, for my chances are better if we fight together.

MacDonald:

If we fight together, most of those loyal to the current heir will be destroyed, along with much of Maggie’s forces and the Yorkcaster Army.

JRH:

The Yorkcaster Army, strong though they are, would be doubly powerful when allied with Maggie’s guard, and my plans would be fulfilled once we have achieved victory.

MacDonald:

Victory shall be mine, I say!

JRH:

Say, what role does she have in mind for that great Scot?

MacDonald:

Great Scot, I could be king by the end of the day!

JRH:

By the end of the day, I must ensure that the Scot is dead, such that I will be the only hero left to receive Maggie’s love and admiration.

MacDonald:

Maggie’s love and admiration for me has led her to foolishly accept my false loyalty, but I shall see that this battle leaves her, the sprite, and all my competitors dead, ensuring that I shall be the unquestioned king of England!

JRH:

Mario (muttering):

Idiots!

JRH:

Great Maggie, I think that I… and Bob… shall accept your offer.

MacDonald:

This alliance shall be grand, I say!

JRH:

Yes, and you, MacDonald, are just the perfect man to lead the front lines!

Mario:

They think themselves so clever,

Masters of their own destiny,

Yet they do not see,

How they together have been deceived,

By each other and most by me,

The unholy trinity is now complete,

Oh, isn’t evil scheming neat?

Well, we made it back to London.

Edward:

Even as we do, I still feel baffled by my encounter in the cave. Was it truly the ghost of my father that we witnessed, and if it was not, then whose ghost was it? No matter, for the resolution is the same. It is as if the presence of the specter was merely a device of motivation. The answers he states are true whether he states them or not, and thus his existence is of no concern, except as a pointer to truths within.

Addy:

So, in other words, you don’t care if this is a good idea or not.

Edward:

If what is a good idea or not?

Springrod:

Don’t confuse him; he was on a roll there. (to Edward) If we are to oppose those who oppose you, then we may need assistance. As it may be, I am not one of the fighting vein.

Addy:

There must be some who would follow the rightful heir.

Springrod:

There probably are many drunk enough to do so at this hour.

Addy:

That’s not enough. If Queen Maggie has indeed allied with the mean and nasty John-Richard-Henry, then we fight both the armies of the Lanshire and Yorkcaster together.

Edward:

An army! Of course, that is what we need! Why didn’t we think of this before?

Addy:

We did. That’s more or less what we’ve talking about.

Edward:

Then let it be more, rather than less. For an army is what exactly we need when set in dire opposition against armies. Fight fire with fire I say!

Springrod:

Wonderful, Ed.

Random Village Person:

Hey, are you people starting an army?

Edward:

If such were true, and if it were and you overheard it, and if it were true and you did overhear it and judge it to be more than the blathering of fools, and if it- Now I’ve lost my train of thought.

Springrod:

Yes, we are.

Village Person:

I have always wanted to join an army! I have often dreamed of being part of one of those big climactic battles. You can not understand what it is to be a lowly villager, a character of no importance whatsoever! I don’t even have a name! Can you imagine what it is like to have no name? To be given only a footnote in the playbill of life?

Springrod:

Well, if you’d like to join our army-

Village Person:

To swing swords and clash shields and dance around like a member of something important! That I dream of more than anything!

Edward:

Very well. You may join us.

Village Person:

Can I have a name?

Edward:

I am not gifted at picking names.

Springrod:

How about "Bob"?

Village Person:

Bob? Not what I had in mind, but it shall do. I shall rally more to your cause!

Addy:

This strange man seems all the more fantastical by the illogical forces that motivate him. I have never seen anyone show such enthusiasm to partake in something he has little to gain from.

Springrod:

Your followers are growing, Edward, and you must address them.

Edward:

A speech? A speech would be a marvelous thing for a leader to give, but I am not that leader, nor can I give the speech. Alas, who can I fool? I have made my attempts, but you all know of my weakness. My tongue is rough as a pickle, and speaks with neither poetry nor wit.

Springrod:

The speech before battle must be given, good or bad! The speech of a leader can cause 300 men to overcome 10,000.

Addy:

Really?

Springrod:

Well, only if the 10,000 are French.

Souflé:

Hey!

Addy:

Edward, you must inspire your men with words of valiance and honor. You can not expect to beat your foes with sheer numbers, you have already lost that front. Nor can you beat them with experience, nor tactics, nor superior weaponry, nor... we’re sunk, aren’t we?

Springrod:

Just give the speech. It can’t hurt.

Edward:

I shall try my utmost. But if my entreaties fall on deaf ears, I will have to print them out in Braille.

There are those of you who say that we do not have enough men to win the day. Many of you would wish that we had more. Perhaps a thousand men, perhaps even a hundred, or at least a few guys to serve us beer during lunch breaks. I say to you, I would not have one more man! Not one! Not even if he begged and pleaded and made a big annoying fuss, and offered bribes and promised to do my laundry and… you get the idea. I would send his whiny butt home, I say! For what honor is there in winning a battle that has already been won? If we were to face a pitiful army, what pride would we share? It is in such fearsome and difficult battles as we face today that true heroes are made.

As fate would have it, today is St. Crispie’s Day-

Springrod:

Psst....It’s Labor Day.

Edward:

Right… Labor Day. Forever this day will be remembered, and every year, men shall say, "Today is Labor Day, the day of our blessed victory!" Many shall curse that they were not among the lucky few chosen to fight on Labor Day. You, my friends, my countrymen, my tech crew, and whoever you are-

Producer:

I’m the producer.

Edward:

Isn’t that special? You my fellows are those most blessed. The fewer the men, the greater the glory!

We do not have too few men. If anything, we have too many. You guys back there, you may leave! (laughter) No, really, you can go. You shall not have any share in the glory that the rest of us shall enjoy. (Still, no one’s sure whether he means it or not) Really, get out of here! (Some soldiers shrug and leaves) I can feel the glory rising already! It is concentrated in those of us left behind to fight on Labor Day! Still, I feel we still bear too many souls. What honor is there in winning a battle when we already had fearsome weapons to slash down our enemies? All you with swords, take up and leave!

Springrod:

Ed, that just leaves the pages and stable boys.

Edward:

No, the truth has eluded me thus far. If glory is to be distributed among all those present, let us not dilute its grandeur! Damn it, as king I shall claim it all for myself! May God and St. George guide me! (Edward grabs his sword and heads off, while what little remains of his army leaves. Souflé grabs him.)

Souflé:

Edward no leave Souflé!

Edward:

There is no other way.

Addy:

That was the most blatant act of stupidity I’ve ever seen.

Springrod:

I wish I could say the same.

Addy:

You barely had enough men to pose a threat as it was, and now you have none.

Edward:

But the glory-

Addy:

You shall find no glory, but only the shame of defeat and death. You can not hope to conquer beat John-Richard-Henry and MacDonald by yourself!

Springrod:

I have an idea. It just may work, but we have to break a few rules. Well, one rule to be exact. (points to Addy) You must take up arms and fight.

Addy:

Surely you jest.

Springrod:

I jest not. You and Princess Souflé must fight.

Addy:

How absurd! You expect us women to pick up such manly instruments of war and do battle? That offends the natural order of things! We females are not gifted with any violent tendencies whatsoever.

Springrod:

Yet I spied thee with a dagger.

Addy:

I don’t know what you’re talking about.

Springrod:

But a while past that I spied the bloody instrument in your hand. You had a dagger, woman, a dagger! You wielder of daggers, Dagger Girl, Addy McDagger and her band of stabbing daggerettes-

Addy:

OK, fine! What’s your point?

Edward:

Daggers have points.

Springrod:

My point? Element of surprise. How will John-Richard-Henry and MacDonald react when they see you on the battlefield?

Addy:

You make a very interesting argument. Such a battle has never been fought, so none know how to fight it. Our enemies would be unable to see past our soft, feminine aura.

Springrod:

Exactly! Now, will you fight for king and country?

Souflé:

I fight for Edward!

Addy:

I shall as well.

Edward:

Well, if these women see it fit to fight for me, then so shall I!

Springrod:

I kind of assumed you in to begin with.

Edward:

Oh.

Now we shall meet our unworthy foe, Prince Edward!

JRH:

Do we know he’s coming?

Maggie:

Of course we do, this is the battle site!

MacDonald:

I asked that Lord of the Forest to tell us where it was.

JRH:

Then there most definitely will not be a battle today.

Maggie:

Quiet you. Here comes our foe now.

Edward: Traitors of England! I demand, as the rightful heir to the throne, that... um... (Addy hands him his lines, which he reads) you discontinue your rebellion and surrender. And support my renaming of today, being Labor Day, to St. Crispies Day, such that the speech I gave about an hour ago -you weren’t there, but I assure you it was splendid- may be known as the "St. Crispie’s Day Speech" and not as the "Labor Day Speech", which just sounds dumb. What say you?

Maggie:

Is he serious? He must have gone mad.

JRH:

He has a point. St. Crispies Day is a much more inspiring name.

Maggie:

Not that. I mean, he dares march onto the battlefield with no army? This war is over. Make me proud, MacDonald, and finish this quickly.

MacDonald:

All units, advance forward.

Maggie:

He will be carved into ribbons! How can he just stand there?

JRH:

Oh crimony, I just remembered something. Call them back!

MacDonald:

Call them back? Are you mad, lassie?

JRH:

They can not beat Edward!

Maggie:

Why not? We’ve got thousands of unnamed, anonymous extras of no importance, and he’s just one prince with a major part and... Oh, shit.

JRH:

Nobility can not be struck down by common soldiers! How could we have forgotten the most important rule of combat?

MacDonald:

Than I’ll have at him!

Maggie:

Do it for me.

JRH:

No! I shall do it!

Maggie:

You? Since when was any battle won by a fairy?

JRH:

I am no fairy-

MacDonald::

Yes, we know. You’re a sprite.

JRH:

Wrong! I am a man named John-Richard-Henry… (he pulls off his wig) the thirty-seventh! Today, I will be king, with you as my queen.

MacDonald:

What the bloody hell? You cross-dressing freak!

JRH:

Says the man in a skirt.

MacDonald:

It’s a kilt!

Maggie:

Gentlemen, take care of Edward first!

Maggie:

Now see how he runs! He can not beat both of them, and with any luck he’ll take out that stupid John-Richard-Henry in the process.

John-Richard-Henry:

Addy? The false Black Widow? What are you doing here, carrying a sword of all unusual objects? I bade thee be gone, and never appear in my sight again!

Addy:

How do you like me now?

John-Richard-Henry:

Not much better, actually.

MacDonald:

Good gravy, a violent woman! Princess Souflé, I shall protect you from- (he looks down and sees that Souflé has stabbed him) Oh, now that’s cute my dear princess, but I can’t be killed by any man this week.

Souflé:

I am woman.

MacDonald:

Yes, but I think the fortune spoke of man in a general sense, not referring to specific genders. No human can kill me.

Addy:

No, I think Souflé’s interpretation is correct.

MacDonald:

Here, let’s get some unbiased opinions. (to the army extras) What do you guys think?

Frederick:

We decided that we prefer the French Princess’ interpretation, because we like ironic loopholes.

MacDonald:

Damn, that backfired!

Maggie:

Well, that settles it! I’ll handle this! (She falls over, dead from a knife in her back; Mario appears from behind)

Edward:

Mario! I had forgotten that I had you as an ally! Many thanks to you! Our enemies are now dead, and the battle is over.

Souflé (clinging to Edward):

Now we marry!

Edward:

Well, actually I was hoping... (He stumbles over towards Addy with Souflé still clinging on to him) Addy, I have been afraid to ask you directly, but, what do you think of me? Do you love me as you said before?

Addy:

I can not love you, for I am spurned and can no longer find love. But if any man would lord over England, I wish it be you. You have a pure heart, fit to rule. That is my only wish for you. Long live King Edward!

Army Extras:

Long live King Edward!

Addy:

Aren’t you guys against us?

Mario:

It seems that everything worked out just fine, (ominously) OR DID IT?

Edward:

I think it did.

Addy:

Yeah, it definitely did.

Springrod:

I see I have come just in time: after the work has been finished, but before the drinks are brought out.

Edward:

Springrod, you old fool, you missed a most glorious battle!

If I had lived to be a thousand three hundred and forty-two, I would have to put this battle among, well, at least the top five.

Springrod:

So it is true that the fewer the men, the greater the glory?

Edward:

Indeed, and I am so glad I thought of it. We had one man, and two women, and- Why does my dear Addy lie on the ground such?

Addy:

Oh, I am slain!

Mario:

She has been stabbed by a foul traitor!

Addy:

Edward, don’t trust-

Mario:

And the traitor has been such that his name is Springrod! While we were fighting this glorious battle, where was he? At the pub, perhaps? Or was he plotting the death of Lady Addyterum?

Springrod:

What?! That doesn’t make any sense!

Addy:

Edward...

Edward:

Springrod, is this true?

Springrod:

Posh! This-

Mario:

Indeed it is! He also tipped off John-Richard-Henry as to your departure, hoping that the ensuing battle would finish off Lady Addyterum and leave you all to him! He had planned everything, down to the fair girl falling at Queen Maggie’s hand. I thought I had stopped the chain of events he plotted by striking down the wicked queen, but he succeeds in his designs nonetheless.

Edward:

I don’t think I understood all that, or any of that, but it does ring true to me that none of these strange events make sense except that they be the work of a master plan. Someone has been manipulating everything from the beginning. Confess yourself, Springrod!

Springrod:

I can not, for this crime is not my own!

Edward:

Then, for the sake of your own soul, I must strike you down, to prevent you from continuing this unholy plan.

Addy:

Don’t do it, Edward-

Edward:

In a moment, Addy. Springrod, it grieves me to be faced with this choice. I did love thee, and you have stood by me. But for what cause did you stay? For noble causes, or un... dis... however you say "not noble" causes. This choice is the harshest that ere man should face, and (Mario has gotten tired of waiting, and directs Edward’s sword into Springrod, who dies) That was jumping the gun, was it not, Mario?

Mario:

What’s a gun?

Edward:

I have no idea. Now, Addy, what were you trying to say?

Mario:

She was saying, my lord, that-

Addy:

MARIO KILLED ME!

Mario:

She lies, my lord! You must strike her down for this crime!

Edward:

Oh, what mistake have I made? In the flailing winds of conflicted information I spoiled the very cause that I strove for! Mario, you have tricked me!

Mario:

No, my lord, you are-

No, how can this be? My plan was perfect!

Edward:

Though the true enemy has been brought to justice, I can not live with the mistake I have made by killing my friend Springrod. What’s done is done.

Souflé:

Edward! No die Edward, please no die! (She picks up the sword for one last suicide attempt) This is my last try. (She trys to fall on the sword but misses) No, this is my last try (She trys again and misses) .

Frederick:

Here, try this.

I suppose I should have known better.

Souflé:

Arg!!! How come they so good at dying?

Eraep Sekahs (entering):

Now, dear girl, things are not as bad as they seem. All this tragedy must come to pass, but the ending may still have hope.

Souflé:

They all dead! All except Souflé.

Eraep Sekahs:

Child, what kind of wizard would I be if I couldn’t fix a mess like this?

Souflé:

You kill Souflé?

Eraep Sekahs:

No, no. You see, I am in a strange position. For many years I created the paths of such people as yourself, often leading them to nasty ends. The end of the road, one always knows, leads to death, or worse, marriage. Impossible though it may seem, I now find myself living in the world of these paths and stories that I created. Do you follow me?

Eraep Sekahs:

Then I will have to illustrate the point. Let me tell you how it all really happened: First, we have the question of the king’s death. Ah, you haven’t forgotten about that, have you? The king’s death was mysterious because in fact he did not die at all. You may come out, sir!

King:

Ahoy Mr. Sekahs! Oh dear, it looks like everyone is dead.

Eraep Sekahs:

It may appear so, but this is not true. First of all, you are not dead.

King:

Indeed, I simply faked my death as part of a grand plan to see if my wife was a crooked as I suspected her. I was aided in this by Springrod, who is an old friend of mine. I’ve been hiding in his house the entire time

Souflé:

But Springrod is-

Eraep Sekahs:

-in on the entire scheme, of course. After Springrod hid the king, he took Edward Junior off into the forest, thus drawing both Maggie and her former lover MacDonald out to the same location.

King:

Their reunion turned out for the worst, so I’m sure this taught them a valuable life lesson.

Souflé:

They dead!

King:

Not so, because MacDonald can not be killed by any man this week.

Souflé:

But I am woman.

Eraep Sekahs:

Huh?

Souflé:

These people decided that MacDonald can be killed by a woman.

Eraep Sekahs:

Well, that’s dumb, so I’m over-ruling their decision.

MacDonald (waking up):

Eh? What happened? What’s going on?

Eraep Sekahs:

As you can see, MacDonald is still alive. But that’s not all.

King:

Oh no, that’s not all. I also wanted to use this opportunity to reunite with my long-lost brother. Alas, my poor brother and I had split many years ago, over the love of a woman, and have not spoken since. Now he has come back and been humbled. Yes, my brother is none other than John-Richard-Henry.

Eraep Sekahs:

Who is still alive, right?

King:

Yes, um... thanks to the sword-proof shirt I gave him for his tenth birthday.

Eraep Sekahs:

Sword-proof shirt? Oh well, it will have to do.

JRH:

Brother? Is that you? After all these long years!

King:

Yes, my brother, I have not forgotten you entirely. But there is more that must be righted! Our fair lady of the court, Addyterum, was needlessly brought into this, but she also will recover as she was stabbed with...

Eraep Sekahs:

The royal trick dagger! Mario must have grabbed it from the royal armory, and did not kill her, but struck her with a blunt instrument that stunned her.

King (aside):

I think my sword-proof shirt was better than the "royal trick dagger." (To all) But yes, as a result, Lady Addyterum will recover-

Maggie:

What about me?

King:

She was stabbed by the same dagger, right?

Eraep Sekahs:

I think so. But we were talking about Addy, who finally will have her love for John-Richard-Henry reciprocated.

King:

Of course! We must have weddings to seal off this event! They shall be married at once.

JRH:

If it’s not too much trouble, "brother", could I marry Maggie instead?

Addy (aside to the King):

I think he’s still mad at me for killing him.

King:

Well, I guess I’m not interested in going back to Maggie after she betrayed me.

Maggie:

You were dead!

King:

Exactly! Since I was "dead", Maggie is free to marry another. I think that’s how that works. Brother, our old quarrel is finally resolved. I give to you, my wife.

Maggie:

You give me to him? What am I supposed to make out of that?

Eraep Sekahs:

It means that you are now the head of the powerful Yorkcaster faction.

King:

And it’s all you’re getting so be happy with it.

Maggie:

Well, I guess that isn’t so bad. (aside to JRH) But you have to wear that fairy costume.

Eraep Sekahs:

Excellent. You two are married now.

Addy:

But what about me?

Eraep Sekahs:

You find Edward dead, and are brought to tears. The warmth in your love and tears will revive him. Well, go ahead and cry.

Addy:

I’ll try.

Eraep Sekahs:

Now, go revive Springrod... (she runs over to cry on Springrod) and Frederick... (she runs upstage to resurrect him) and everyone else (Now Addy is running all over the stage, crying on people. Finally, she brings Mario back).

King:

No, he can stay dead. He’s the bad guy.

Mario:

Mama mia!

Springrod:

For once it seems that old Jack was wrong. Addy, you have saved us, and I thank you humbly.

Edward:

And well that she has. I had misjudged thee even worse than you had misjudged her, but now all is right in the world, so it doesn’t matter. Addy, now that you have saved me, I must ask you for one thing: will you marry me?

Addy:

I think I can’t.

Eraep Sekahs:

Whatever guilt you may have, let it be gone, for you have redeemed yourself, and can take his hand.

Addy:

I guess you’re right. Edward, I will marry you!

Eraep Sekahs:

Good! You’re married now.

Souflé:

Hey! I supposed to marry Edward!

Eraep Sekahs:

Oops, I forgot about that.

King:

Princess, you are betrothed to marry Edward of England, correct?

Souflé:

Yes.

King:

Then I take you as my new wife! For I am also an Edward, and King of England.

Souflé:

But... OK! So I am queen!

King:

Yes, you are! Do you know how to be queen?

Souflé:

Yes! (mocking Maggie’s exact mannerisms and voice) Do this! Do that! I’m so great! Blah blah blah!

Maggie:

How dare she take my position! John, we Yorkcasters must challenge those pretenders to the throne.

JRH:

Some day, dear.

Eraep Sekahs:

Are there any unmarried women left? Excellent! Everything has been resolved according to my design!

Edward:

Thank you, Eraep Sekahs. This never would have worked out without your help.

Eraep Sekahs:

There is no need to thank me. I only do what I can, which is a lot. However, I fear that I must leave you all. My own world needs me, and there is nothing more I can teach you.

Edward:

We won’t forget you.

Addy:

None of us shall. Goodbye, wise sage.

King:

Well, that was a fine resolution if I ever saw one. There is nary a soul more contented then I am right now. My son has been bound in holy matrimony to his love, my country is at peace, and my horrible wife has been replaced with this young sparkplug.

Maggie:

Hey!

JRH:

How dare you insult my wife like that, brother! Have you no decency? My Maggie is twice the woman that this French harlot pretends to be!

Souflé:

He insult queen? Off with his head!

MacDonald:

Oh, fine words from the woman who, for a moment couldn’t do anything but cling after that scrawny prawn!

Addy:

Edward, he was talking about you.

Edward:

Huh? What? I mean, I’ve had enough of your treachery! To war!

Springrod:

Well, heck, I guess I get to be king now.

Other Stuff by Alex Bobbs:

Attack of the Killer Clones from Outer Space (2005, hosted on newgrounds.com)

Verpor (2003)

Final Fantasy: Circle of Time (2003)

Zort! Return of the Hamster (2002)

That Prequel Movie (2001, hosted on theforce.net)

The Hamster of the Opera (1996, produced in 2000)