A musical parody

Story and Lyrics by Alex Bobbs and Andrew Segina

Music by Alex Bobbs

Copyright 1998, Alexander S. Bobbs

"The Hamster of the Opera" was originally performed under the direction of Alex Bobbs in the year 2000 in Balch Auditorium at Scripps Women's College.

Michael Fanjul- Alan

Maggie Froelich- Lisa

Keith Stevens- Andy

Brad Reed- Ethan

Rick Bente- Gene

Dina Richman- Jane

Susan Caplow- Emily

James Thatcher- Daryl

Katie Compton- Lisa's Friend

Michael Price- Team Leader

Stephanie Grush- Casting Director

Jill Delsigne- Narrator

Henry Allen-Tifford- Luigi

Characters:

The Harvey Club:

Harvey- The wonder hamster

Alan- The fearless leader

Andy- The spiritual guider

Emily- The newest member

Ethan- The original Harvey fan

The Opera People:

Gene- The owner of the opera house

Jane- Gene's wife and business partner

Lisa- The star singer

Daryl- The janitor

Others: Casting Director and Dance Instructor

Plus:

The Auctioneer

The Team Leader

Lisa's Friend

Luigi Decapri-Stromboli

Prelude: The Auction

Cynic in audience: On the other hand, it's just a scrap of paper.

Other people at auction: (Jumbled shouting) Hey, he's right! It is just paper! We're all getting ripped off!

Auctioneer: Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain calm. If you have changed your mind about this exquisite poster, do not worry, for we have many other exquisite items you may bid on, such as this. (He holds up a smashed hamster wheel)

Cynic: Oh please! That wouldn't even be sold at a garage sale!

Auctioneer: Ah... but you do not understand. This is the wheel of the notorious ... (raises arms as if he is expecting something to happen) Hamster of the Opera!!! (the opening bars of Overture play). Anyway, are there any buyers? (no response) OK, since I can't seem to sell you anything, I guess I'll have to tell you a story. (people at auction huddle around him like a preschool story-time) Our story begins in a far off time, and a not-so-far-off place, where a geneticist named Ethan Lyon, father of a young singer, Lisa Lyon, who had the same last name as him because she was his daughter, was at a strange turning point in his life... (The Auctioneer holds the hamster wheel in one hand and waves the other hand over it like a crystal ball; His tone and mood instantly change to become spooky and mysterious) Yes... a very strange turning point indeed... (He pulls out a big, dusty book) This is a story that I like to call... "The Hamster of the Opera!" (He chuckles wickedly as the lights dim)

Act I

Act I, Scene I: Gentek Labs

Scientists: (unenthusiastically) Ooh!

Team leader: We are going to accomplish what no man has ever done before!

Scientists: Ah!

Team leader: We will be showered with fame and glory!

Scientists: Ooh!

Team leader: We will be held up in esteem on the same level as Edison and Leonardo!

Scientist #1: Uh sir, what are we doing?

Team leader: We're... uh... we're ... (reads from his clipboard) "cloning the first mythical creature".

Scientist #1: I don't get it, sir.

Scientist #2: Me neither.

Scientist #3: I don't get it either, but I'm going to fake it and pretend I do.

Scientist #4: That's cheating!

Scientist #1: Hey, I got it! Let's all fake it and pretend that we get it.

Scientists: Yeah! One for all and all for faking it!

Team Leader: Are you guys done yet?

Scientists: Yes sir, and we get it! Do you?

Team Leader: Well, of course. That's why I'm an executive! Now let's take a look at these "mythical creatures".

Scientist #1: Oh, the suspense!

Team Leader: (lifts up cover on box) Oh my God! They're .... hamsters?

Scientist #1: Hey, I like hamsters! I'm going to name this one "Joey".

Scientist #2: And this one's "Petey".

Scientist #4: Harry?! How uncreative! Every Tom, Dick, and Harry's named "Harry".

Ethan: (picking up a hamster) This one is Harvey and he is the only one in the litter who has the phenomenal powers that the ancient, "mythical" one had.

Team Leader: What did you say, Ethan?

Ethan: This hamster, Harvey, has fantastic powers.

Ethan: You only know half of it. If he keeps running at constant velocity forever, which is easily accomplished by placing him in a wheel, he can use his divine powers on all who chant his praise. Their lives will be changed forever! (Scientists get scared) For the best, of course. (Scientists relax)

Team Leader: That's pretty deep stuff. So these are all "magic hamsters"?

Ethan: Well... they've changed.

Team Leader: Changed from what?

Ethan: From what they used to be.

Team Leader: The hamsters have changed?

Ethan: That's what I said.

Team Leader: The hamsters have changed to what... gerbils?

Ethan: No, they've just changed.

Team Leader: Are they still hamsters?

Ethan: Yes, they're still hamsters, they've just changed.

Ethan: Different hamsters.

Team: Different from what?

Ethan: (getting impatient) From what they were supposed to be.

Team Leader: So, instead of "Hamster A", they're now "Hamster B"?

Ethan: That makes absolutely no sense at all, but... you get the idea.

Team Leader: How the heck did that happen?

Ethan: Due to various mutational factors that I won’t bother explaining to this audience, the gene for "wonderness" will often be inactivated during cloning.

Scientist: Wait a minute. You mean to say that you actually understand this whole "mythological cloning" stuff?

Ethan: Of course. Given the fact that I'm apparently the only one who knows what's going on here, how could this project have succeeded otherwise?

Team Leader: I resemble that remark!

Other Scientist: Why do the hamsters have to change?

Ethan: (condescendingly) Because that would explain why there is only one wonder hamster and a bunch of non-wonder clones.

Scientist: Holy plot device, Ethan!

Another Scientist: But what of the magic words you have to say to make the little bugger work his magic?

Ethan: Ah... Harvey's song of praise. I just so happen to know it. Here they are.

Team Leader: Ahem. I will read the magic words that Ethan has handed me. (really slow and poetic) Harvey, Harvey, Harvey the Wonder Hamster; He never bites; He never squeals; He just runs on his hamster wheel. (he chuckles) OK, where's the magic?

Ethan: You didn't do it right. You have to sing the words in order for to unleash the hamster's powers, and the hamster also has to be running continually and-

Team Leader: This is ludicrous.

Ethan: What are you waiting for? Get a wheel and get that hamster running!

Team Leader: You can't be serious.

Ethan: Do I look serious to you?

Team Leader: No.

Ethan: Then forget I asked, but I really am serious.

Leader: Really?

Ethan: Yeah.

Leader: You serious?

Ethan: I already answered that question.

Leader: Then you're crazy? Wait,-

Together: Forget I asked.

Ethan: Well...

Leader: Ok, this silliness has gone on far enough!

Ethan: That's what you think...

Leader: Besides, how could you possibly know for sure that this "Harvey" has inherited the powers of a legendary ancestor that probably never existed?

Ethan: Well, you see, sir. (Darth Vader impression) I feel his presence. The force runs strong within him. (breathes heavily)

Scientists: Oh dear! He's having another stroke! Call 911! Call 911! (They run back and forth and crash into each other)

Team Leader: You nincompoops! Stop fooling around! And Ethan, I don't know how to say this any nicer, but I think you're getting a little ...(makes gestures trying to say that Ethan's crazy) too old. You need to go home and relax.

Ethan: Free vacation time?

Team Leader: Not exactly. You're dismissed from this team. We really don't need any of this.

Ethan: Aww... (sob) Can I at least take Harvey with me?

Team Leader: Absolutely not. Cloned organisms are very expensive.

Ethan: How can you do this to me?! You take away my pride, you take away my hamster-

Team Leader: It isn't your hamster, it belongs to the corporation! As project director-

Ethan: Project director my butt! I'm old, I'm tired, the boys have left home, and-

Team Leader: You don't have any boys, just your daughter Lisa, remember?

Ethan: Yeah, her too. Oh, don't you see, a man's got to have his... his... (an idea comes to his head) mercenaries... theft... phone... By God, I've got it! Can I use your phone?

Team Leader: All right. Just don't hurt yourself. (hands him cellular phone) (He and other scientists began observing the hamsters and don't notice Ethan)

Ethan: (dials) Hello, Mercenaries-For-Hire? (pause) Yes, I'd like to hire some thugs for a little "lifting". (pause) Gentek Laboratories (pause) a hamster (pause) hey, I thought you had a policy about no questions asked! (pause) OK, and I'll need to meet with your guys next Tuesday; actually, heck, I'll meet with them now! (pause) They'll be right over? Great... (hangs up and hands phone back to Team Leader) Thanks.

Secretary: Mr. Lyon, you have two visitors.

Ethan: Well, it's about time! Must've been the traffic...

Scientist #1: Sir, why are we just staring at these rodents? They don't seem unusual to me.

Team Leader: You're right, they do appear normal. However, as true men of science, we must put them to the test. Now, let's think... what do normal hamsters do?

Scientist #2: They bite!

Scientist #4: Then we should bite all the normal hamsters and see if they squeal!

Team Leader: (ponders on that thought) Not quite. First, let's separate the hamsters. (With some help, he puts Harry and Harvey into small, separate cages and labels the cages) OK, here's a cage for Harry and Harvey and...

Alan: (offstage) Excuse me!

Team Leader: You guys aren't from the IRS, are you?

Alan: (Fake Swedish accent) Nine... we've come to aid you in your experiment. I am Dr. Black and this is my associate... uh... Dr. White.

Andy: (Blurts out in gringo accent) We're Swedish dudes, yeah.

Scientists: Ya!

Alan: Yah... as I was saying... as Sweden's leading hamster experts, I'm sure we can crack this little enigma. Haha, I happen to know more about hamsters then most people will figure out in their entire lives! Watch this! (Alan pulls a long balloon out of his pocket, inflates it, and begins attempting to twist it into a balloon hamster, meanwhile, Andy slips over to the box of hamsters) Wah lah! A hamster! (the balloon untwists) ...that turns into a snake.

Scientist #1: Wow, a morphing balloon!

Team Leader: Show me how to do that!(they all gather around Alan, meanwhile, Andy begins stuffing the hamsters into his pants; he runs back to show Ethan, Ethan shakes his head; then the Team Leader glances over at the box of hamsters) What the..?! Where did all the hamsters go? (all eyes turn to Andy)

Andy: (Falling to his knees) Oh, it was horrible!

Team Leader: What happened?

Andy : So awful! I can't bear to describe it!

Team Leader: Tell me!

Andy: The hamsters.... they all... committed suicide! (Team Leader and Scientists appear disturbed)

Ethan and Alan: What?!

Andy: The poor little things... we shall never forget them... Oh, father, why did you put us on this wretched world to witness such sorrow!(Team Leader and Scientists begin to weep)

Alan: Where'd the bodies go? I mean, wouldn't there be... (suddenly, he notices Harvey's cage and reads the label; he gestures to Andy, then picks up the cage, and heads toward the door with Ethan)

Andy: (making his way to the door) Oh, my god, my god, why hast thou forsaken us? To die, to sleep, ... and by a sleep to say we end the heartache and the thousand natural shocks that rodent is heir to...

Ethan: Ok, boys, let's bust this joint!

Ethan: Yes, well, I must go home, but I beseech you: find a hamster wheel and put Harvey on it. After you've completed that, you'll get your reward. Oh, and here's a victory song you can sing once you finish the task... (he snickers conspicuously and hands them the lyrics to Harvey the Wonder Hamster...)

Alan: Wait, don't you want to take the hamster with you?

Ethan: That won't be necessary, just do as I have instructed you.

Alan: Ok, old man, take it easy. We'll come by for the money later this week.

Narrator/Auctioneer: And, so Harvey was stolen from the corrupt Gentek Laboratories by the mysterious mercenaries, Alan and Andy. Unfortunately, while they searched for a quality hamster wheel, Ethan's health began to decline. Enter: his daughter Lisa... when the stage hands finish setting up the blasted stage!

Stage Hand: Hey, give us a break!

Act I, Scene II. Ethan's House

Friend: Oh yes! You'll be a star! So, what's your father going to do with you out of the house?

Lisa: Well, I worry about him. Dad hasn't been really well lately. He's still depressed about getting fired, and he's really sick and hasn't left bed for the last few days. I guess I'll have to find a nursing home or something. Then again, I may not have to bother; the doctor thinks this one could be fatal.

Friend: Oh no! How terrible! What does he have?

Lisa: About $75,000 and a few failing stocks.

Friend: I mean, what disease?

Lisa: I think it's something like, um... (can't seem to recall it) ... constipation? Yeah, that was it, constipation.

Friend: (Realizes that Lisa has no idea what she's talking about, but humors her) Uh, yeah, constipation. Of course.

Lisa: It's just pitiful, he's too weak to walk or do almost anything... (All of a sudden, Ethan leaps out of bed and starts singing)

Ethan:(singing) Harvey, Harvey, Harvey the wonder hamster .... (refer to song lyrics)

Friend: (listens for a few verses, then...) Isn't that your father?

Lisa: It couldn't be, he probably just turned the TV up too loud or hired a clown to cheer him up. Here let's check it out. (enters room) Oh my gosh! It's a miracle!

Friend: Yeah, that clown looks exactly like your father.

Friend: Furthermore, where did that "bleep" sound come from?

Ethan: OK, to make this simple and logical: (Really fast) The burial place of the mythical creature, "Harvey" was discovered, so DNA was extracted and cloned, and, through the so-called splicing and chromosome remodeling tactic, the organism was materialized and reproduced, but with various mutations in the wonder gene due to recombination errors, so none of them retained their wonderness, except one. But then Alan and Andy, swiped him from the labs, put him on a hamster wheel, and, just as I predicted, (slows down) anyone who sings the song becomes jubilant and happy, sings the song continuously, and sort of... goes wacky.

Lisa: That's it. No more X-philes for you. (turning to her friend) Excuse me, could you leave us alone for a little while.

Ethan: Don't you see, Lisa, this is the ultimate cure for every problem in the world. Harvey can help you. He's a wonder hamster.

Lisa: Yeah, right. "Wonder" hamster, sure. And where is this "wonder" hamster?

Ethan: Alan and Andy, the guys I hired to swipe him, now have possession of him. The three of us are now the new believers in Harvey, and we will sing his song of praise for all eternity... maybe even longer.

Lisa: Dad, snap out of it! There's no Harvey, no Alan, no Andy, and you definitely don't need to keep singing that stupid song. Where do you get these crazy ideas?

Ethan: You don't understand, wonder hamsters are very powerful things. Think about it.

Lisa: Thanks for the tip.

Narrator/Auctioneer: And so, Ethan regained his health through the power of Harvey, which made him so insanely happy he could not stop singing Harvey's song, even if he wanted to... (Ethan starts singing) OK that's enough. (he stops) Finally, Lisa swore that if she had to live in a house with the singing crazy old man, she would kill someone... probably him. But her fate was soon to change...

Act I, Scene III: The Audition

1st Person: Ahem... Fiiiiiigero, figero, figero...

Casting Director: Yes, thank you very much. (dismisses him) Next?

Casting Director: I'm sorry, but I just don't think your talents are suitable for this opera house. (rapper keeps going, so he yells louder) I don't think your talents are suitable for this opera house. (rapper keeps going, so he yells even louder) CUT THE MUSIC!!! (rapper turns off the boom box)

2nd Person: So, whadya think, man? Ain't it cool, man? Did I got the job, man?

Casting Director: (pushing him out) We'll think about it. Go on, now. Don't call us, we'll call you.

2nd Person: But you don't have my phone number.

Casting Director: We can find it in a phone book. (Jane and Gene nod)

2nd Person: But you don't have my name, either.

Casting Director: That's in the phone book, too. (Jane and Gene nod)

2nd Person: Hey, why didn't I think of that! See ya later. (leaves)

Casting Director: Yikes. OK, next?

3rd Person: (high-pitched voice) We represent, the lollipop guild, the lollipop guild...

Casting Director, Jane, and Gene: NEXT!! (3rd person leaves, Lisa walks up)

Lisa: (sung poorly) There's a hole in the bucket, dear Liza, dear Liza, There's a hole in the bucket, dear Liza, a hole...

Gene: Sure, go ahead, take her.

Casting Director: That's very, uh, (cringes) nice, miss...

Lisa: Lyon, Lisa Lyon.

Lisa: Junior assistant understudy?

Casting Director: Yes, keep in mind, Miss Lyon, that all great stars must start from the bottom and work there way up.

Lisa: Junior assistant understudy?

Casting Director: Yeah, is there a problem?

Lisa: Junior assistant understudy?

Casting Director: Are you OK?

Lisa: I guess so, it's just that, I mean ... junior assistant understudy? Isn't that a bit low?

Jane: 6 feet under, to be exact.

Gene: Dear, that doesn’t even make sense. (to Lisa) Look at it this way, according to the tradition of this very old opera house, you'll get a bedroom/dressing room within the building.

Lisa: Oh cool! So I get to live here for free?!

Gene: Of course! I mean, it'll come out of your salary plus there's overhead, deposits, taxes, cleaning fees... but other then that, it's free.

Lisa: Well, OK. I'll take it.

Jane: All righty then... There's just a bit of paperwork involved. (Picks up a huge stack of papers and groans because of the weight) just sign everywhere you see a line, deary. (She collapses)

Act I, Scene IV: The Harvey Club

Andy: Who's?

Alan: Ethan, remember? You know, that loony old guy who had us swipe the hamster. We gotta collect our fee! He may be crazy, but I'll bet he's got loads of dough.

Andy: Crazy? I was crazy once...

Alan: Oh, this is so old...

Andy: They locked me in a rubber room with rats...

Andy: (stops and stares Alan in the face) I HATE RATS!!! They drive me CRAZY!!! (both of them begin chuckling as they continue the joke)

Alan: Crazy? I was crazy once. They locked me in a rubber room with rats. I HATE RATS!!!

Andy: They drive me CRAZY!!!

Alan: Crazy? I was crazy once. They locked me in a rubber room-

Andy: Hey, Alan, I just remembered something: remember that "victory song" Ethan gave us? I took a look at it. It's pretty crazy.

Alan: Crazy? I was crazy once...

Andy: It goes: (Pulls out lyrics and begins singing) Harvey, Harvey, Harvey the Wonder Hamster... (refer to lyrics) (Alan joins in; they sing one verse; there is a long pause after they finish the verse)

Alan: Well, that's about the stupidest song I've ever heard. Andy, I can't believe you even hung on to this... (A force overcomes Alan) Oh my god, the song is true! Harvey is the Wonder Hamster! We must sing his song some more. Yes... we must sing his song.... Must sing... Must sing...

Andy: We have been awry all this time. Why, to repent, I shalt sing the sacred song until the ends of the Earth crash into each other. The new age is coming!

Alan: (still droning on) Must sing... Must sing...

Both: (Groveling) We're not worthy! We're not worthy! (A passerby sees them)

Alan: Hey, I know! Let's start a club to glorify Harvey!

Andy: The Harvey Club! (to the passerby) Hey you! Wanna join our club? (Alan is embarrassed at Andy's behavior)

Passerby: Gosh, I dunno. In fact, I don't even know you! What do you want?

Andy: We want you to join the Harvey Club and serve Harvey! (Stares into his eyes) Look deep into my eyes... You will serve Harvey... You will serve Harvey... You will sing the Harvey Song and become like the rest of us...

Passerby: Stay away from me! You guys are crazy, man! (runs off stage)

Andy: Darn it, I almost had him. He was weakening... (Alan gives him a confused look) Really, I mean it. Harvey apparently can extend his seductive power through our song and praises to capture the minds of unsuspecting normal people.

Alan: I never realized a song could be so powerful... and dangerous.(Alan begins to ponder the implications of this, drifting into his own world, until Andy starts singing the Harvey Song softly) Oh, well, we'll have to worship Harvey on our own, ready?

Both: Harvey, Harvey, Harvey the Wonder Hamster... (go on 5-7 verses)

Voice off-stage: Will you guys, SHUT UP!!! (Harvey guys keep singing and walking down the street)

Passerby: (enters and points at the Harvey Guys) There they are! Those are the obnoxious noisemakers who were sexually harassing me! Let's get 'em! (On cue, several townspeople jump on stage and charge at the Harvey guys with torches in their hands; the Harvey Guys throw a few quick punches and knock them all on the ground)

Alan: Hey, Harvey has given us his blessing! We are invincible!

Stage Hands: That's what you think! (The townspeople spring up to join the stage hands in beating up the Harvey Guys, forming a confused huddle; The Harvey Guys slip out while the stage hands and townspeople begin fighting each other)

Andy: Those people... they have spit in the face of the good hamster!

Alan: We'll get our revenge... revenge on the society that is so cold and heartless towards poor helpless little hamsters and their loyal followers!

Andy: How will we do that?

Alan: We'll go into exile, where all good martyrs go! And we'll take our hamster friend too! People will think we're gone. Meanwhile, we will prepare to strike back! This way! I know the perfect place where we can set up our secret underground lair...

Narrator/Auctioneer: Possesed by the power of Harvey's wheel, Alan and Andy discovered that the world had no place for annoying hamster-worshipers like them, and that night, they disappeared from all public record.

Act I, Scene V: Lisa's Room

Lisa: Charmed.

Gene: I'm sure you'll become a wonderful performer. Why, some of the greatest singers of all time have sung here! Alfred Yankovic, Vanilla Ice, Frank Sinatra... Well, actually, Sinatra didn't actually sing here, but I did see him, in person, back in- (realizes that she's not interested). Oh yes, and we also received a package for you.

Lisa: (excited) Really? It must be my first fan letter! Let's see...(opens package and pulls out a tape, then reads label) it's from father.

Gene: Oh, how splendid! Let's hear it! (Puts the tape in a stereo)

Lisa: I wouldn't do that if I were...

Ethan's voice (on tape): Harvey, Harvey, Harvey the Wonder...

Lisa: (covering her hears) NOOOOO! SHUT IT OFF!!! SHUT IT OFF!!! (Gene begins fumbling with the stereo)

Gene: That's funny, it won't turn off. Maybe it's this switch.

Lisa: It's the curse of Harvey! Shut it off!

Gene: (more annoyed then alarmed) I'm trying!

Lisa: Stand back! (She picks up a crowbar from under her bed and begins smashing the stereo; the music slowly comes to a stop) Whew, that was close. When will Dad quit singing that darn song? He's probably driven the whole town up the walls.

Gene: I don't think I understand.

Lisa: Oh, never mind.

Gene: What is that song? Why are you so afraid of it?(Lisa doesn't react, instead she just stares right through him) Are you OK?

Lisa: (Mimics Danny Lloyd from Stanley Kubrick’s "The Shining") Sorry, Mr. Gertsman, Lisa's not here. Please leave a message after the beep. Beep! (shakes it off) Oh... Harvey almost had me that time.

Gene: Miss Lyon, do you feel capable of...

Lisa: Oh, I'm fine. Just a little tired. And this whole thing with dad losing it, it's just a little much.

Gene: I'll check on you later. The last thing I need right now is for a singer, even a junior assistant understudy, to have a nervous break-down while under my name.

Lisa: I think you should know I haven't gotten much sleep because, well, I've been hearing this... weird sound every night. What could it be?

Gene: I don't know.

Lisa: Rats, maybe?

Gene: Oh no. We do not permit rodents in this building. Little-bitty bugs, maybe, but no rats. Well, good night. (Gene leaves)

Lisa: That sound. It sounds like... like a wheel! Like a hamster wheel...

(spoken): What does this mean? That repetitive rhythm, it just makes me want to (sung beautifully) SCREAM!!!!

What the... That sounded great! I can sing! Imagine that, a singer who can sing!

Auctioneer: Within a few days, Lisa's newfound singing ability was noticed and she was instantly promoted and given high roles. Her first performance was dazzling, and all who attended instantly fell in love with Lisa's sweet voice and it was just magnificent. In fact, I really wish you could have been there because it was just so exquisite and the whole production was so wonderful and there really wasn’t a false note in the cast. Of course, if you had been there you would have been there to see Lisa so maybe you wouldn’t care about anything else, but anyway, it was really quite lovely and Lisa had many great songs and many (shouts to the wings) COSTUME CHANGES!

Stage Manager: Keep stalling, she’s almost ready.

Auctioneer: And… anyway, it was really really nice and I’m really running out of things to say and believe it or not in the original version of this script I only had about twenty words worth of material here and it wasn’t until they got to dress rehearsal, I’m not kidding, that they realized that there was not place in the script for the necessary- Oh bugger, this is getting ridiculous! Is that wench done changing yet?!

Stage Crew (offstage): YES!!

Auctioneer: Oh right, let’s move on then, shall we?

Fan #1: Oh, Lisa, you were simply wonderful!

Fan #2: Oh, yes! It was just gorgeous!

Fan #3: Everyone's so excited about your performance!

Fan #4: Imagine that! One day, she's junior assistant understudy, and the next day... Prima Donna! Tell us Lisa, how did you do it?

Lisa: Well...

Fan #2: Oh don't be modest! We all know you're the best!

Fan #3: Absolutely the greatest!

Lisa: Of course!

Fans: (jumbled shouting) I want an autograph too!

Lisa: Hang on people, you'll all get autographs. (she signs a few) Actually, you know what? My hand's getting tired. How about you guys just photocopy the ones I've done.

Fans: OK, thanks Lisa! (fans exit)( Lisa starts towards her room as the ludicrously timid DARYL rushes in)

Daryl: (nervously) Hi! I'm Daryl. (shakes her hand and doesn't let go) You see... I'm a really big fan of yours, and, well... I think you're great!

Lisa: I'm flattered. Can I have my hand back?

Daryl: (gets embarrassed) Oh, yeah. Sorry about that. (lets go of her hand) And, you see... um... I also think you're... uh... good looking.

Lisa: You have good taste.

Daryl: (chickens out)Yeah. Bye. (walks away quickly) (Lisa stares and then starts towards her room again) (Daryl runs back) Oh yeah, I also wanted to ask you... do you like pink?

Lisa: Uhh...

Daryl: Never mind, but what I do want to ask you is: are you doing anything Friday night?

Lisa:(comprehending his meaning) Sure, I'd love ...

Daryl: (chickens out again) OK, just curious. (walks away quickly) (Lisa stares and then starts towards her room again) (Daryl runs back) Wait. Umm... what I'm trying to say is... well... (talking to himself) how do you do this? Oh yeah, the key thing! (He pulls his keys out of his pocket, they fly out of his hand and Lisa catches them)

Lisa: (handing him his keys) I'd love to, meet you in the front around 7:30.

Daryl: Thanks. Bye. (begins walking off) YES!!! (Lisa turns, Daryl rushes off)

Lisa:(wanders around her room, not noticing Emily as she enters) Hey, this is great! One day, I'm just some nobody, and the next, I've got a fan club and a really hot guy! It's all so incredible!

Emily: Yeah, it kind of makes you wonder what's really going on.

Lisa: Who are you?

Emily: I'm Emily. I was the lead at this opera house.

Lisa: Pleased to meet you. But what do you mean by "what's really going on"

Emily: You know what I mean!

Lisa: I do?

Emily: You'd better, because I don't.

Lisa: Then what are you doing here?

Emily: I may not know exactly what's going on, but I know that something ain't right!

Lisa: What are you.... Who do you think you are? You can't just charge in here and make accusations like that!

Emily: Like what?

Lisa: Like the accusations you just made.

Emily: What did I accuse you of?

Lisa: Well, nothing yet, but you're treating me as if I'm the Wicked Witch of the West.

Emily: (laughs) In that case, I'd just splash water on you! Of course, that wouldn't work because witches don't really melt when water is splashed on them.

Lisa: And how would you know that?

Emily: Well, if water dissolved them, what would a witch drink?

Lisa: Blood.

Emily: Blood is mostly water.

Lisa: Motor oil, then.

Emily: But, what would she eat? Wouldn't her food contain water? Though... I suppose she could eat dehydrated food.

Lisa: Exactly.

Emily: But, what would she breathe? Think... every time she took a breath the vapor in the air would dissolve her lungs. Just imagine what would happen on a humid day!

Lisa: Fine, you win. Thank you for coming, the door is over there.

Emily: Wait! I'm haven't made my accusation yet...

Dance Instructor: Emily! You're supposed to be at dance practice!

Act I, Scene VI: The Harvey Lair

Lisa: OK, slow down. We've just had three songs in a row and I don't think I follow what's happening.

Lisa: Believed in him? Is this one of those crazy cults?

Lisa: Are you saying that you guys worship a hamster?

Andy: (thoughtfully) Aren't we all worshiping hamsters?

Alan: (admitting the truth) Actually, we are a bit short on believers.

Andy: People just don't seem to comprehend the divine righteousness within Harvey. It must be too great for them.

Lisa: But... he's a hamster!

Andy: I know that.

Lisa: What could possibly be so great about a hamster?

Andy: Oh, ye who have faith like a mustard seed... may many more be pelted at thee.

Lisa: Many more what?

Andy: Mustard seeds.

Lisa: Mustard seeds?

Alan and Andy: Mustard seeds.

Lisa: Oh, for crying out loud...

Alan: For speaking softly too.

Lisa: (Begins to say something, then changes her attack) You know what, I'm not believing this. I've just been kidnapped by two lunatics-

Alan: Three.

Lisa: Huh?

Alan: Harvey counts too.

Andy: Call him "Harvey".

Alan: No, Harvey counts as two.

Lisa: (counts on her fingers) Then how are there three?

Alan and Andy: (point at each other and say exactly together) Because he doesn't count.

Lisa: (frazzled) Objection. Sustained. May I please rephrase the question? (pauses) Let's try this again. Where was I?

Andy: Mustard seeds.

Lisa: Right. I can't believe that I've just been kidnapped by three lunatics and dragged underneath the opera house so that I can be preached about mustard seeds and hamsters. (There is a long moment of silence as the Harvey Guys ponder her meaning)

Alan: But you have been kidnapped by three-

Lisa: I KNOW THAT!!!

Alan: Then why can't you believe it?

Lisa: Because... Because... I don't know. It made more sense the way I originally phrased it, before I was so rudely interrupted.

Andy: Well, I sure am glad that's over with. Will you serve Harvey?

Lisa: Me?

Andy: (sarcastically) No, the other prisoner.

Lisa: Where?

Alan: He got away.

Lisa: Too bad, 'cause I won't serve Harvey. No, nope, never. Not a chance.

Andy: Why not?

Lisa: He's a hamster!

Andy: So is Stevie.

Lisa: Who's Stevie?

Andy: A hamster.

Alan: Really?

Andy: Well, I'm speculating, but there must be some hamster who-

Lisa: Look, I really really don't give one damn about any hamster, and anyone who does is just plain sad. And believe me, you guys are really sad.

Andy: And you are very disrespectful to both Harvey and our congregation of believers.

Lisa: Oh, heavens me. Wouldn't want to disturb them now, would we? And, exactly, how many believers are there?

Andy: Well, there's me, Alan, and then there's... Ethan (Lisa doesn't react) your father.

Lisa: What?! Oh no, too late do I understand.

Alan: Wasn't it obvious? I mean: crazy dad, hamster, crazy boys, hamster. Connection?

Andy: Exactly. And now, you too will be captured by the devastating glory of Harvey's wonderness!

Lisa: This is why you brought me here, isn't it?

Alan: That's just part of it. You see, we're also planning to take over the world.

Lisa: Bully for you.

Alan: ...and we need information from you.

Lisa: Listen. I don't know who you freakos are or what sort of abyss spawned you, but I do know that I'm not helping you do anything. Whatcha gonna do now? Huh? Watcha gonna do?

Alan: We're gonna to do the best we can. (He gives here a sly look)

Lisa: (Lisa realizes what they are about to do) NO! HAVE MERCY!!!

Entre-acte:

Auctioneer: Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome back to the show. Did you enjoy the intermission? Quite lovely, if I don't say so myself... and I did. Well, before we continue, here's a word from our sponsors.

Alan: And now...

Alan: Meanwhile...

Auctioneer: Excuse me... (pushes Alan off) While Lisa was trapped in the secret lair of the diabolical Harvey Guys, her still-singing father was determined by the state to be mentally... err. mentally... insane. He was placed in an asylum run by the cruelest, most vicious asylum-keeper known to mankind: Luigi De-Capri-Stromboli!!!

Act II

(knocks on a door) (Spoken:) Hello, Mr. Pickergel, how are you doing today? (Barking noise is heard from within the cell) He he.... Just as usual, I see.

(knocks on another door) (Spoken:) Get more mail today Kris Kringle?

Luigi: Oh dear, we wouldn't want to disappoint them, would we? (chuckles wickedly)

Ethan: Wait, Mr. Rigatoni-

Luigi: STROMBOLI!

Ethan: Yeah, yeah, Stromboli, Rigatoni, Fetteccini, whatever... Let me out. Harvey will reward you generously!

Luigi: A bribe, eh? (nods thoughtfully) How do I know this "Harvey" will deliver?

Luigi: Who is Harvey, a militant maniac?

Ethan: No, he's a wonder hamster.

Luigi: A hamster?

Ethan: No, a wonder hamster.

Luigi: Oh, a wonder hamster. Well, that's something else. (Chuckles) So, basically, you want me to let you free, and risk my entire livelihood, in hopes that some rodent will someday command the world? Is that your best offer?

Ethan: Only for you, my friend.

Ethan: If you don't, I'll tell everyone that the "Italian" song you just sang is a bunch of gibberish and sheet music terminology.

Luigi: Works for me. You're free. (He unlocks the door)

Kris Kringle: Hey, I've got a gerbil.

Luigi: Hang on.

Ethan: (grabs Luigi after exiting his cell) Actually, I can't have you running off and telling the world about Harvey's takeover. So... (tosses him into the cell and slams the door)

Luigi: You ungrateful little... I curse you in the name of my mama's spaghetti!

Ethan: What do you expect? I'm a deranged pycho-maniac! HAHAHAHA! (He runs out of the asylum laughing wickedlyYes! I am free! They have struck me down, but I shall return twice as strong! (Thunder crashes) And then... Well, then I'll... Nevermind! I’ll think of something evil later! HAHAHAHAHA! (Thunder crashes, Ethan runs offstage)

Narrator: I'm sure we'll hear from him later... Meanwhile, back at the opera house...

Emily: I haven't seen her lately, sir.

Gene: Oh dear. Where did she go? Fine time for the girl to decide not to show up. (Jane enters) Jane, have you seen Lisa?

Jane: No, why? Is she missing?

Gene: We can't seem to find her, but I don't know that she's actually...

Jane: Oh dear! LISA'S BEEN ABDUCTED!!!! THE INVASION HAS BEGUN!!!! (everyone screams and runs around)

Gene: Now listen everybody, THERE IS NO CAUSE FOR ALARM!!! (everyone calms down)

Jane: But there will be soon. (everyone panics again; Gene shakes his head)

Gene: SETTLE DOWN!!!(everyone stops) Hey, people, the show must go on. If we all work as a team, we can succeed even if Lisa doesn't show up. Emily, would you be so kind as take Lisa's place until she shows up?

Alan: So... this is what you fools do for fun. If you don't surrender to Harvey, A disaster beyond imagination will occur!

Auctioneer/Narrator: You know, I feel kinda silly right now because there's really no narration needed between these scenes. So... how bout that local sports team?

Act II, Scene III: Gene's Office

Jane: Here's my proposal. To find these troublemakers, we need to brainstorm everything we know about them, and then start eliminating suspects. I've got a list of everyone they could possibly be (Pulls out huge list that falls to the floor) First of all, we know that they know how to make hand shadow puppets

Casting Director: Anyone can do that.

Jane: I can't. I remember that time back when Geney and I used to... Hey, that means I'm not a suspect. Oh joy! (Crosses herself off the list) What else do we know?

Gene: Not much. We couldn't track down that loathsome guy in the front row, and we don't know for sure that he had anything to do with the other incidents anyway.

Dance Instructor: Wait! I have some data! (She pulls a letter from her pocket) It says: "This is an anonymous note" and has a symbol on it. (She reveals the "Harvey Logo")

Jane: Hey, I've seen that symbol before! I saw it... oh yeah, on this piece of paper. (She withdraws an identical letter)

Gene: You got a letter too?

Casting Director: So did I. I forgot to tell you. (Brings out letter)

Gene: You as well?

Emily: So did I. (Brings out letter)

Gene: Not you too! (pause) Oh wait, I also got a letter. (Brings out letter)

Casting Director: If you ask me, we're getting nowhere fast.

Jane: That's not so bad, I here the weather's lovely down in nowhere. (Everyone groans)

Gene: Emily, what did that caped fellow say?

Emily: Something about a "disaster beyond imagination"... and "Harvey"

Emily: Harvey... hmmm, I could've sworn that... (something clicks) Oh my Lord! (whispering to herself) It's all my fault... that argument about Harvey... it was...

Gene: What's that, Emily?

Emily: Uhh.. nothing sir, just pondering.

Jane: You know, I've heard that name before... There was a time long ago when a young man told me a story about Harvey the Hamster.

All except Jane and Emily: Harvey the Hamster?

Emily: Of course! Why didn't I think of this before? Harvey is the hamster in the story of "Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Wonder Hamster".

Jane: Go on. Tell us about this hamster.

Emily: The hamster was a curse. Whoever started singing the hamster's praises would never be able to stop. He would be the hamster's slave as long as the hamster's power abounded!

Jane: Where did it get this power?

Emily: From a wheel. The hamster could run forever on his wheel.

Dance Instructor: Jane, I don't see any relevance between an urban legend and our current situation. Besides, I think hamsters are cute and can do no harm.

Jane: Don't you see? The hamster is back and it's behind all this.

Gene: Hold on a second, Emily. We know that Lisa replaced you (Emily nods) , and so far, we've seen that you had all the data pertinent to this enigma, (Emily nods) and that you had all this obscure, necessary background information (Emily nods), and yet, somehow, you didn't start to put it together until this moment right in front of us? (Emily nods) Well... would I be out of line to suspect... I mean... what am I to think? (Emily gives him a blank stare)

Emily: (Emily realizes that she's being accused) Well, I suppose you could conclude that I'm just totally clueless, blissfully ignorant, slightly naive, but also completely innocent.

Gene: And if I didn't?

Emily: OK, I admit it.

Gene: Admit what?

Emily: (Shouts out boldly) I CALLED UPON THE CURSE OF THE HAMSTER! (Gene is not satisfied with this explanation, so she continues, rambling) See, I provoked her to deny Harvey and then, well, I mean, apparently, Harvey came and kidnapped her. I didn't mean it; it's not my fault; I hadn't even figured out that this was the same rodent from the legend, as you remember. Actually, I think it's Lisa's fault, yeah; she provoked me to provoke her, and, it's a good riddance, aye?

Gene: You're right, you are totally clueless (knocking at door).Who could that be? (he goes to the door; no one is there, but he finds a letter on the floor) Another mysterious letter! (He opens it and reads it silently) I don't get it.

Emily: Let me see that. (reads letter) "The tune of 'Sailing'"; it's a song. (sung) Harvey, Harvey, Harvey the Wonder Hamster...(Emily continuously sings the song, everyone is at a loss of words)

Casting Director: How interesting...

Gene: What does it mean? OK, thank you, Emily, that's enough. (Emily can't stop) That's enough, we get the idea. Emily?

Emily: HAHAHAHAHA! I will serve Harvey!!! (runs away singing; breaking glass sound effect)

Jane: It's the hamster, Geney, just like little Emily said. Whoever starts singing the song is controlled by the hamster and... (Jane appears to enter a trance for a few seconds) and... (She wakes up) where was I going with this?

Casting Director: Nowhere.

Jane: No, really, I had a great idea! I came so close to cracking the mystery when suddenly, my mind cleared and... it's the hamster, he's got me too!

Dance Instructor: Absolutely absurd! Hamsters can't harass theaters! The only logical explanation is that there are some insane psychopaths living down in the... (She experiences the same effect as Jane did) the... I just blanked out... What was I about to say? I can't remember anything!

Casting Director: This is too strange. I'm leaving right away. (He rises and walks towards the door, but Gene blocks him)

Clerk: OK, would you like to go to your room quietly, or be dragged away kicking and screaming.

Emily: Kicking and singing, please. (Security guards drag Emily off as she sings "Harvey the Wonder Hamster"; The 3 bystanders throw off their coats: it's the Harvey trio!)

Andy: The world will bow to our feet before we even have time to tie our shoe laces! Eh, Ethan?

Ethan: Yes, you two are very clever... I must admit, however, that this espionage business is taking it's toll on me. I hate to be a burden, and I should have mentioned this earlier, but, I never really wanted to take over the world; I just wanted the joy of understanding Harvey and... I think we should go our separate paths...

Andy: What are you saying?

Ethan: I've been thinking about settling down in a cabin in the mountains. Don't worry, I shall never forget about Harvey. Perhaps I will build him a shrine.

Alan: Well, so long. It was good to be together for once last mission. (they all shake hands)

Ethan: By the way, if it turns out that Lisa's not dead, and if you can find her, tell her I said hi. (Ethan exits, his sudden departure has an emotional impact on Alan and Andy, but they try not to show it)

Andy: Do you think we should tell him that we have Lisa?

Alan: Nah.

Andy: It might convince him to stay with us.

Alan: We don't need him here.

Andy: Well, it might at least be interesting to see how he reacts

Alan: Ooh, bad idea. Ethan's one of those "shadowy" characters: He comes and goes like the wind in mating season. Let's let him be and put this behind us... (They both bow their heads and sniff)

Andy: (Rushes over and hugs Alan) I LOVE YOU, MAN!!! (backs off suddenly) Like a brother, I mean...

Jane: This is terrible! Geney, we must find that hamster and remove him from his wheel! If we don't, that "disaster beyond imagination" may occur.

Gene: What kind of disaster could possibly occur? (A plastic hamster ball rolls by) What was that?

Casting Director: It looked like a hamster ball.

Gene: Excuse me!?

Jane: It's Harvey! Too late, we're surrounded!

Casting Director: (looks out door) Egad, the opera house is chock-full of plastic hamster balls! (another ball rolls by) I'm getting out of here!

Dance Instructor: Me too! (they both exit)

Act II, Scene IV: The Harvey Lair

Lisa: All right. All right. I'll tell you wierdos whatever you need to know.

Lisa: You're planning to take over the world and you need information from me.

Alan: That's right.

Lisa: But, why are you asking me? I don't know anything, I'm just a civilian.

Andy: So was John Wilkes Booth the night he shot President Lincoln.

Lisa: Lincoln's dead?

Alan: Forget the history lesson. We just have a couple of simple questions for you. Please answer them to the best of your ability.

Lisa: I'm ready.

Alan: What does "M&M" stand for?

Lisa: Is this a test? I haven't studied!

Alan: Just answer the question as best you can.

Lisa: Uh... Mickey and Minnie?

Alan: (writes her answer down) Interesting... What is the atomic number of Mercury?

Lisa: Including neurons_?

Alan: No, just the atomic number.

Lisa: Let me think. I should know this.

Andy: (to Alan) I knew she wouldn't know it. How come you didn't bring a periodic table with you when we went into exile?

Andy: I don't think I got all that, but let's see if we can figure it out without a chart.

Lisa: That's what I'm doing.

Alan: Let's see... there are 18 elements in the first 3 rows... and in the next 2 rows we have an s-shell, a p-shell, and a d-shell...

Andy: Totalling 18 elements per period.

Alan: Right. So we multiply 18 by three...

Andy: And get one-hundred and six thousand...

Alan: Then add 2 for the next s-shell, 14 for the next f-shell, plus 10 to get over to the end of the transitional metal block, which is not the correct terminology by the way, and we get...

Lisa: Well...

Alan: I'm not sure.

Andy: Don't tell me you forgot to bring a calculator!

Lisa: Can't you just use pencil and paper?

Alan: I'm using the pencil and paper to write down your responses to the questions. Let's go on to the next question. What is the current geopolitan situation? Are the proletariat on the move again?

Lisa: As always.

Alan: And are the armed forces preparing for a massive invasion from below?

Lisa: A what?

Alan: A massive invasion from below.

Lisa: What massive invasion from below?

Alan: Sorry. You're on a need-to-know basis.

Lisa: I see.... I need to know in order to answer the question.

Alan: Andy, tell her the plan.

Andy: It's quite simple: we're going to produce an army a Harvey clones to take over the world. We've already finished the first batch.

Lisa: Where are they now?

Andy: In the opera house right above us. We've equipped the troops with hamster balls and are currently taking over the opera house so that we can use it as a base of operations.

Lisa: You're taking over an opera house in preparation to overthrow the world's governments? How's that supposed to work?

Andy: Well, about that time, the planets will be aligned just right, and the moon will be full... and the Academy Awards will be going on, so we can catch everyone off guard. Then, the invasion shall begin!

Alan: Today, the opera house....

Andy and Alan: Tomorrow, the world!

Alan: No, you can never leave. Now, if you'll excuse us, we have some scheming to do. (he unrolls a large military map, and spreads it across a table; Alan and he begin studying it and discussing strategy)

Lisa: Oh yeah? Well... what if I just got up and walked out?

Alan: Well, jeepers, why didn't you think of that one before?

Lisa: I'm outta here! (she dashes off stage; the Harvey Boys just watch her; she comes back) Aren't you going to try and stop me?

Alan: No. (Lisa runs off again, then returns)

Lisa: Are you sure about that?

Alan: Yes.

Lisa: Good, because I don't want to get half-way down the tunnel just to be dragged back down again. (she runs off again; then returns) Uhh... which way leads out of here?

Alan: That way (he points to the opposite wing of the stage).

Lisa: Oh, yeah. I knew that. (she runs across the stage and exits off the other side).

Andy: (pointing to a spot on the map) Wait, I've got it, maybe if we set up- (Lisa returns) Can we help you?

Lisa: I don't think I can climb out of here by myself, can you carry me out?

Alan: (laughs) Of course. Lisa the great opera star can not walk or run from her captors, she must be carried out. Unfortunately for you, there are no chivalric, muscle-bound heros around, so you'll just have to kill some time while you wait for one to arrive. I knew that you couldn't escape this place. You will have to wait for a search party to arrive. And don't expect your little pal Emily to save you. (snickers) I've already taken care of her. She knew way too much about us.

Lisa:(crying out in despair) Oh Daryl! I know you will come to save me!

Gene: Are you sure we need to pass through the Himalayas?

Jane: Especially in high heels?

Daryl: Look sir, I know this is terribly inconvenient, and I'm really sorry about that; and I also realize that this is very uncomfortable and, well, I'm really sorry about that too, but I still think we should give Harry a chance.

Gene: Whatever you say.

Andy: Do not despair over your predicament, think of the stories you can tell your grandchildren! After we have conquered the Universe, you'll be able to say that you once knew us.

Lisa: And then they'll shoot me for not having stopped you.

Andy: I'm hurt!

Alan: You have the entirely wrong idea. When the Harvey Club is in charge of the world, we will bring peace and happiness.

Andy: All shall bathe in the spiritual wonderness of Harvey!

Narrator: Led by Harvey's not-so-wonderful clone, Harry, Gene, Jane, and Daryl close in on the secret Harvey Lair.

Act II, Scene V: The Opera House

Gene: It should, this is where we started! (to Daryl) What's going on here? Why on Earth would we have to go through the Himalayas just to get back to the Opera House? I think your Harry might be just a little confused.

Daryl: Let's not jump to conclusions. OK, I admit it, so Harry didn't take us on the shortest route possible.

Jane: Shortest route?! We went around in a big circle!

Daryl: It's not his fault, he's just a hamster!

Jane: Look here, I've had enough of you and your rat.

Daryl: It's a hamster, not a rat.

Jane: I'm not talking about the rat.

Gene: Dearest, let's not get dramatic. We've got work to do.

Jane: I'm not getting dramatic. If I were getting dramatic I'd stick the little rodent in the blender-

Gene: Now there-

Jane: - and set it on puree!

Gene: This is not in the script (holds "Hamster of the Opera" script).

Daryl: Really?

Jane: No. But the point is that I'm not getting dramatic. I'm just expressing my frustration about your idea of a "shortest route".

Daryl: I said it wasn't the shortest route.

Jane: Oh. Then what's with the rat?

Gene: I think the more important question is: "Where is everyone?"

Daryl: I guess they must have fled from all those hamster balls. Wait, Harry's telling me something! He says we're very close and that he can take us from here. (Puts Harry down) OK little buddy, lead the way!

Act II, Scene VI: The Harvey Lair

Alan:(rushing in) I know. Intruders are coming! I'm calling in the troops.

Andy: Where are they now?

Alan: I sent them out on a scouting mission.(grabs radio transmitter) Come in, Harveys, come in. There is an emergency at this time. Return to base. Over and Out.

Andy: This can not be happening!

Lisa: Hurray! Daryl is coming to save me!

Alan and Andy: Shut up!

Andy: Harvey is our only hope now... Oh no! They're here! Hide quickly! (Andy grabs Harvey, Alan grabs Lisa; they duck behind a desk and Andy pulls out a pair of binoculars) Wait a second, there are only 3 of them and a hamster, and we've got one... two... three(he counts Lisa)...

Lisa: I'm on their side.

Andy: Then get on their side (throws her toward the side the rescuers will enter from; Alan grabs her)

Andy: Or something?

Alan: Better than nothing.

Andy: We haven't any bombs.

Alan: Then chain her to yourself so at least she won't get away (Andy handcuffs her to him).

Daryl: (off stage) Hello? Anybody there? (Lisa runs towards his voice, dragging Andy with her)

Andy: HELP!!! I'm being abducted. The invasion has- (Alan grabs his foot and pulls him and Lisa back)

Alan: (unfastens the cuff from Andy and puts it on Lisa's other hand) Well, never mind that....

Daryl: Hello? (Alan grabs Lisa and pulls her behind a desk or large box then motions for Andy to take cover; he crawls over GI Joe style over-dramatically) Lisa, are you there?

Lisa: Dar- (Alan covers her mouth; she trys to kick him but kicks Andy instead)

Daryl: Lisa, was that you? (Alan and Andy are both trying to restrain Lisa)

Alan (in falsetto voice): Lisa's not here right now. Go away. (Daryl enters followed by Gene and Jane)

Daryl: Lisa, where are you? (Alan and Andy are still struggling violently to keep Lisa from running toward them throughout, the rescuers don't notice the obvious commotion)

Gene: I doubt it. How many secret lairs could there be underneath the opera house?

Jane: Perhaps a dozen. Perhaps more.

Gene: That's silly.

Jane: But possible.

Daryl: No, the structure would collapse if there were enough caves beneath it.

Gene: It's sturdier than that I hope!

Daryl: Not really, it was built back in the days before modern engineering and earthquake-proof buildings, so you know..

Daryl: Well, Harry seems to like it here.

Gene: How can you tell?

Daryl: It's sorta like, you know when you see a friend on the street and they say they're fine, but you just somehow know that they need a little...

Lisa: Help! (The Harvey Guys finally get her down, gag her and put a valuable vase on top of her to keep her from getting up; they nod to each other)

Daryl: Right, help. It's just that kind of feeling.

Gene: Wait, I hear something.

Daryl: Me too. It sounds like... a spinning wheel. (walks over to where the Harvey Guys are hiding) (Alan jumps up)

Alan: Hello, we're not ready for guests right now, so if you would please... (Daryl pulls out a pistol) Holy Cow!

Daryl: (shaking) Please don't move, sir. If you move... I'll... I'll have to shoot! I... I'm very nervous about confrontations and I've never killed anyone before... if you would be so kind as not to move then I would feel much more... (Alan nudges toward him, taunting) YAH!!! DON'T SCARE ME LIKE THAT!!! (Alan nudges toward him some more, taunting, Daryl becomes more uneasy and talks much faster) Look, this really isn't funny, I'm very out of place right now and I don't know what to do. I mean, I'm not the type of person who caries around a gun! I'm really a very nice person once you get to know me, and I wouldn't be taking the offensive except that Lisa's my love interest and that makes me the hero and... (pauses) you're going to taunt me more, aren't you? (Alan nods) OH GOD!! Angels and ministers of grace defend me! (Daryl is almost brought to tears) Please don't move any closer, please! Look, I'm getting on my hands and knees and...

Alan: Bye. (ducks back down; Daryl almost faints)

Jane: Come on, boy, you're our only hope!

Daryl: Gene, he didn't listen to me, what do I do now?

Gene: You need to be more forceful, like this. (cups his mouth and yells) Get out from there, all of you!(they obey) Thank God you're all right, Lisa. Come over here and you will be safe. (Lisa won't get up for fear of breaking the vase) Take that ridiculous thing off Lisa, you scalawags. (Alan pulls a scrunchy or some other hair thingy out of her hair and smiles)

Alan: Did you really think it would be that easy?

Gene: Daryl, shoot them.

Alan: Ha! You won't shoot through Lisa!

Gene: Just shoot. Come one, you've got it! No one uses their left arm anyway...

Alan: You can't win, drop the gun now!

Daryl: (Trying to sound heroic) Oh, yes I can! (he shoots into the air; we hear a cable snap, then a chandelier comes crashing down on Daryl while he screams "Mommy!"; The Harvey Guys crack up at the sight)

Alan: Did you see that?

Andy: "Mommy!"

Lisa: Come on, Daryl. Let's get out of here!

Ethan: (entering) You're not going anywhere!

Lisa: Father!

Andy: Hey! He's back!

Ethan: (to the Harvey Boys:) Yeah, well someone had to come at the critical moment and complicate the climax. Besides, I couldn't find any plutonium to carve my shrine out of. (To Lisa, in a booming, echoing voice) Yes, it is I. You can not escape because you have already been captured by Harvey. Your mind is his, and you don't even know it. You fight and fight the inevitable, only weakening yourself, but now the time has come for you to seize your destiny. Turn to Harvey! He is your destiny!

Mysterious Voices: (repeating over and over) destiny... destiny... destiny... destiny...

Ethan: And...

Ethan: I

Mysterious Voices: I... I... I... I... (Ethan notices the voices)

Ethan: Hang on. (Every one except Ethan freezes) Alright, who's doing that?

Ethan: Shut up!

Mysterious Voices: shut up... shut up... shut up.. shut up...

Ethan: *&%$%$ (bleep)! (The bleep is echoed over and over; Ethan gives up and returns to preaching at Lisa) He is your destiny! (Everything returns to normal)

Lisa: (as if in a trance) Yes... I think I understand... I do... I must sing for Harvey...

Daryl: (picks himself up) Come on, Lisa, please wake up. LISA!!! (he tackles Ethan, but Ethan throws him off)

Ethan: Ha! Harvey has empowered me! Look! He runs even faster in his wheel! (a green light is emitted from Harvey's cage) (Ethan challenges Daryl, who cowardly retreats; Ethan chases him back and forth around the lair)

Gene: Dear, act quickly! (Jane pulls out whip, trys to snap it, but it flys from her hand) Never mind, I'll just have to take you guys on myself. (He rips off his shirt) I'll take you both down! Come on, put up your dukes! (With surprising agility, he knocks over Alan and delivers some hard blows to Andy; Alan crawls over and picks up the gun that Daryl dropped, Gene rips it from his grasp and passes it to Daryl, who readies to shoot Ethan, than chickens out and continues running; Gene is occupied with Alan when...)

Andy: Oh Harvey, I beseech you to invest upon me the power over time and space so that I may banish this despicable old fougie from our myst! (The green light surrounding Harvey expands until the whole stage is enveloped in green; Suddenly, a might cracking sound is heard and lights begin to flash and loud rumbling noises are heard)

Alan: No, don't do it! Harvey's powers are out of control! INCOMING!!! (An mighty "earthquake" begins; everyone panics)

Gene: It's an earthquake! Run for your lives! Come on, Jane! (Jane is already hurrying off)

Daryl: (grabbing Gene and shaking him) Remember what I said about the structural integrity of the building. We must get out of here!

Gene: I was on my way out.

Daryl: Then go! (Gene runs off; Daryl follows after a pause)

Andy: Protect Harvey! (He grabs the wheel, stopping it's motion, when suddenly a large jolt knocks all three off their feet. Andy almost drops the wheel, but recovers it, than realizes what he has done) The wheel! It's stopped! NOOOO!!! (Daryl comes back and grabs Lisa, who is still in a trance; Ethan is seen crawling out as the scene closes)

Narrator: The catastrophic quake proved to be the end of the story. With a gigantic "Kaboom!", the opera house collapsed, leaving only the fittest to survive. The not-so-local law enforcement was sent to investigate...

Act II, Scene VII: Outside the Opera House

Jane: Now you arrive... Where were you when we needed you?

FBI guy: Writing parking tickets, of course.

2nd FBI guy: I hope you've got insurance!

Gene: What are you people doing here?

2nd FBI guy: Some fellow down at the asylum swore that an evil terrorist organization was based here.

Gene: Well, that's not quite right, but-

FBI guy: Clearly he was delirious, but we thought we might as well follow up on the lead and since my favorite pet store is around here-(Luigi enters in a straight-jacket)

Luigi: It's true I tell you! Hamster worshippers! Thousands of them! They're going to take over us all!

Gene: I think you should listen-

FBI guy: Don't mind him, we'll get him out of here.

Gene: But-

2nd FBI guy: Glad to have been of service.

Gene: The part about the hamsters-

FBI guy: They've got hamsters at that store I like.

2nd FBI guy: Really? Well, I guess everything's fine here. Let's pack it up. (they grab Luigi and escort him off-stage)

Gene: Wait! You can't just walk off! What about- (he gives up on trying to reach the FBI guys) What about Daryl? What about Lisa? What about our careers? (begins crying)

Jane: Oh, don't worry Geney. Maybe this is a new beginning for us. Look, I found Harry! (She picks up Harry The Hamster)

Gene: Let's check the rubble, maybe we can find something worth salvaging.(they exit)

Lisa: (waking up) Oh... What happened?

Daryl: It doesn't matter. Nothing can hurt you now.

Lisa: Oh Daryl! (they embrace as the music to "All I Ask of You" continues) (Ethan enters)

Ethan: I HATE TO INTERRUPT YOU TWO... (Music screeches to a halt; Daryl and Lisa get embarrassed and stop)

Lisa and Daryl: huh?

Ethan: I just had the strangest dream... I was in a cave with a hamster... and you were there (points at Lisa), and you (points at Daryl)! Oh Lisa, it's great to be home! (Jane and Gene enter)

Jane: We found something! Behold!

Gene: (holds out a hamster wheel) This is all we found. No bodies, nothing but this. It's all very mysterious, but I think we can safely say that we've seen the last of those "Harvey Guys". (Every nods in agreement)

Jane: Wait a minute! (looks out into the horizon) What's that?

Gene: What's what?

Jane: That... thing.

Daryl: (straining to see it) I see it too, it looks like some sort of... flying saucer.(everybody stares at him)

Lisa: You don't suppose they somehow...

All: Nah!

Auctioneer: And so, Lisa was saved from the grasps of the Harvey Club, Jane and Gene went on to bigger and better things, Daryl was united with the one he truly loved even though he hardly knew her, and Harry was voted "Sexiest Hamster Alive" by People magazine! Oh yeah, and I hear that Emily will recover soon. However, they never did find out what happened to Harvey and his followers. Did they perish in the quake? Or did they somehow escape? What was that flying saucer, and were Harvey and his followers aboard? The world may never know...

Special Thanks to: All loyal followers of the "Harvey Club", "Weird Al" Yankovic, Andrew Lloyd Weber, Meredith Wilson, Steven Spielberg, The Beatles, Gilbert and Sulivan, Euday Bowman, Shakespeare, George Lucas, Disney, Steven King, and all of the unfortunate people who are mocked in this fine dramatic production.